Category: dirty jokes

“What do you call a dog that humps you 24-7″A rout around the week dog

What does caviar and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both come on little white crackers.

Submitted by MrsVerm
Edited by calamjo

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, �Mmmmm, I smell sausage.� The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said �Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.� The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, �The only thing I can smell is molasses.�

Three morticians were having a few drinks one night and started discussing their hardest cases. The first said I believe I had the hardest. I had a young man that ran into a tree, it took a week before I could show him.The second smiled, “That’s nothing” he said. I had this couple that hit a train. It took two weeks before I could show them.The third grinned and said “You two didn’t have anything, I had a woman who jumped off a ten story building. She landed on a fire hydrant. It took me three weeks to get the smile off her face.

This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor.”Doctor I think I have the crabs.””When was the last time you had sex?” The doctor asks.”I have never had sex. I’m still a virgin.” she replied.The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her.After the examination he said, “I have some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you don’t have the crabs. The bad news is you’ve got fruit flies.””Fruit flies?” asks granny.”Yeah,” says the doctor.”Your cherry rotted.”

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce, and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. ”Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,” she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, ”Now you know why they call that mustard ‘Poupon.”’

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. “I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.”Just place this between your cheek and gum.”The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.”And what if I swallow it?””No problem,” says the barber.”Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.

I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, “Deepest Condolences,” and sent the card to the funeral home that said, “I know it’s hot where you’re going, but you deserve it!

A bloke goes into a pub. The barmaid asks what he wants.

“I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off.” he replies.

“You dirty bastard!” shouts the barmaid, “get out before I get my husband.”

The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again. The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.

“I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off.” he replies.

“What???” screams the barmaid, “That’s it, you’re barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, GET OUT NOW!”

Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.

“Right. I’ll give you one last chance,” says the barmaid, “now, what do you want?”

“I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.”

The barmaid screams, starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.

“What’s up, love?” says the husband.

“There’s this disgusting bloke downstairs! When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted too put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,” she says in a flood of tears.

“What?! He’s a dead man!” shouts the husband getting out of his chair.

“Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off!” screams the wife.

“Right, he’s going to need a body bag, the bastard!” shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

“Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me” she concludes.

When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.

“Aren’t you going to do something?!!” shouts the wife in hysterics.

“Listen love, I’m not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness…”

The only thing missing from my sex life is other people.

Why is a bowling ball like a hooker?

Cos they both get picked up, fingered and then banged down an alley.

An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.

“These, senor,” replied the waiter in broken English, “are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today.”

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, “These cojones, or whatever you call them…are much smaller than the ones I had last night.”

“Yes, senor,” replied the waiter, “You see…the bull, he does not always lose.