Category: dirty jokes

One day 3 dogs wer sitting in front of the vets office. The 1st dog notcies the othher dogs and asked them what they did.”i ate my owners cord” said the first dog.”and im getting put 2 sleep.””me 2″said the 2nd dog.”what did u do”asked the 1st dog to the 3rd dog.’well u c my owner likes 2 do her house work in the nude so yesterday she was vacuuming in the nude of course and i couldn’t resist i jumped on and had the ride of my life.”responded the 3rd dog.”so your getting put 2 sleep 2?”asked the 2nd dog.”no, i’m getting my nails trimmed.”

What’s the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed?A blonde let’s you leave the bed when you are satisfied – a redhead let’s you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied.

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel’s home for an evening of bridge.The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel’s wife and vice versa. After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar.When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel’s wife smiled demurely, “Don’t worry about it, this is the first time all evening that I’ve been able to tell what he has in his hand.”

Q. What’s the definition of Trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

wat is grey and hairy and has a big arse?

Scotts mum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away,” the boy said. He was then sent to the principal’s office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.”He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.”He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.”A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.”Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, “Open your hands!” “Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him.”

There was 3 guys walking down a road together. There was an Indian, a White man, and a Black guy. Everytime someone walked by they would talk about there race. Well the Indian piped up and said once there weremany but noe there are few(talking about his race). Then the black guy said, “Once there was few but now there is many.” The the White guy looked the black guy in the eye and said, ” That is beacues we havent played cowboys and Niggers yet.”

A textbook nerd is at the beach one day, baring his chest and showing off his pale, shrunken chest, and of course all the girls are laughing at him and drooling over the weight-lifting hunks. So in desperation the kid goes to the lifeguard and asks, “How can I do something to get these girls interested in me? What can I do to show off?”The lifeguard takes pity on this poor guy, with his puny muscles and baggy trunks and lanky hair, and finally he says, “Tell you what – why don�t you take a potato and stick it down your swim trunks. That way the girls will think you�ve got something really big and hard down there, and they�ll want you.”So the nerd decides to give it a try. He struts around the beach with a potato in his shorts, and all the girls give him weird, disgusting looks and tell him to get the hell out of there. The nerd can�t understand what�s going on, so he goes back to the lifeguard and asks, “What am I doing wrong? You said they�d like me if I put a potato in my shorts!”Without even batting an eye, the lifeguard says, “You gotta put the potato in the FRONT, kid!”

Did you ever see the movie Constipated ?
It never came out!

Two tall trees, a Birch and a Beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them.

The Beech says to the Birch, ” is that a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch? ”

The Birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The Birch says, ” Woodpecker — you have the reputation of being a tree expert, can you tell us if that is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He then replies, ” It is neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch.

That, my friends, is the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in.

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him. “Your boyfriend then?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

“What do you call a dog that humps you 24-7″A rout around the week dog