Category: dirty jokes

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified husband, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to… to… cut it off, are you?”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye said, “No, You are!!! I’m going to set the garage on fire.

There is a lady laying in bed.

At about midnight her drunk husband comes walking in with a sheep under his arm and says, “Thats the fat pig I’ve been sleeping with when I’m not sleeping with you.”

His wife gets a confused look on her face and states, “but honey thats not a pig its a sheep.”

Her husband says, “Shut up pig, I’m talking to the sheep!”

A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.”Excuse me, sir” he asked the old gentleman, “where did you get all this money?””Vell, I’ll tell you,” the old man began, “for many years, I travelled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say ‘Give me a dollar for Israel or I’ll cut off your testicles vit my knife.'””That’s quite a story,” the customs agent said, “what’s in the second suitcase?””Vell, you know,” said the old man, shaking his head, “not everyone likes to give…”

yo mama is so hairy her breasts look like coconuts.

These two guys go camping, and after two weeks, decide they need a break from each other. So they decide to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the campsite.When they return, the first guy says, “I had the most wonderful time! I hiked for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a little deer, drinking out of the stream.it was wonderful! I spend the whole three days there.””Well, that’s okay,” says the second guy, “but check _this_ out. I followed some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her, and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!””Wow!” says the first guy, envious. “Did she give you oral sex?””No,” says the second guy. “I couldn’t find her head.”

A farmhand is driving round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, “Boss, I’ve got a problem! I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He’s still wriggling � what should I do?”

“In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it into the bushes.”

The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

“Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it into the bushes.”

“So what’s the problem now?” his Boss snapped.

“The blue light on his bike is still flashing!”

yo moms ass is so fat it can crush earth

I haven’t sold one tractor all month,” a tractor salesman tells his friend.”That’s nothing compared to my problem,” his buddy replies. “I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I’ll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I’ll buy a tractor off ya.”

what is a cocoon?

A NIGGER WITH A STUTTER!

A man was walking through the desert and had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, “Good God, give me some food!”As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.Puzzled he looked up… There was a leper painting the ceiling.

The Sergeant had a Colonel who was an absolute ass. So before the next inspection, the Sergeant cleaned the toilet in the barracks very carefully, and then floated a dab of peanut butter on a piece of toilet paper.The Colonel proceeded with inspection, came to the toilet and screamed, “Sergeant that Looks Like SHIT”.The Sergeant leaned carefully over the toilet, inhaled and said well maybe…. then leaned over picked up the peanut butter and put it in his mouth and said, “Colonel, you’re right because it does indeed TASTE like shit”.

Q: What do a tampon and an Old Southern Debutant have in common?

A: They’re both stuck up cunts!!