Category: dirty jokes

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.
He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and
sit some more — would never do those little household repairs that
most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said
sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?” Her
husband snarled, “What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?” and sat
down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work. When her husband got
home, she said, very nicely, “Honey, the disposal won’t work. Would you
try to fix it for me?” Once again, he growled, “What do I look like?
Mr. Plumber?”

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband
got home, she steeled her courage and said, “Honey, the washer isn’t
running. Would you check on it?” And again was met with a snarl, “What
do I look like? The Maytag repairman?”

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three
repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.
When her husband got home, she said, “Honey, I had the repairmen out
today.” He frowned, “Well, how much is that going to cost?” “Well,
honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having
sex with them.”

“Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?” he asked. She smiled.
“What do I look like? Betty Crocker?”

Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What’s the diference in a bowling ball & a prostitute?

You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

One day a medical professor and his class were standing over a corpse and the professor said, ”There are two things to being a medical forensicist. First: Don’t fear anything.” After saying that, the professor shoved his middle finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. He then told the class to do the same. After hesitating, they all did it. ”Next,” the professor said, ”you have to have a key observation finger. Thus, I licked my index finger.”

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads”

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband’s funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, “Wouldn’t it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he’s wearing?”

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.

When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, “Actually, it didn’t cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So… I switched the heads”

Have you heard about the university Michael Jackson is founding?

It’s called Bringem Young.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Q: How can you tell the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?
A: At a straight rodeo they yell “Ride them suckers!”

A guy’s driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying “Apples – $
5.00 each.” He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what’s up.

He goes up to the farmer and says, “Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?” The farmer replies, “They are peanut butter and jelly apples.” The farmer hands him one and says, “Here, try one.”

So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, “Peanut butter – that’s great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples.”

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims “son of a gun – jelly!” The man says, “These apples are great – give me some!”

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign “Apples – $10 each.” Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, “Hey, what’s up with these apples?”

The farmer says, “They’re ham and cheese apples. Here, try one.”

The guy takes a bit and exclaims, “Son of a gun – ham!” The guy then says, “Let me guess – I have to turn it around.”

The farmer says “You got it.” The guy bites the other side and says, “Cheese.” Again the man says, “These apples are great – give me some.”

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says “Apples – $50 each.” The guy really wants to see what’s up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, “What’s the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?”

The farmer tells him that “These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one.”

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, “Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!”

The farmer says, “Turn it around!”

There was an old man in a nursing home who always fell out of his wheelchair. Finally, the nurses decided to do something about it, so they appointed a nurse to watch him all the time. He started to lean foward so the nurse stuck a pillow in front of him. Then he started to lean backward so she stuck a pillow behind him. Then he started to lean to the left so she stuck a pillow to the left of him. Then he leaned to the right and she stuck a pillow to the right of him. Later on that day, his son came to visit him. ”Dad, why do you have all those pillows around you”? ”Well, the nurses around here won’t let me fart!”

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy : Either way, you get your dog back!”

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified husband, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to… to… cut it off, are you?”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye said, “No, You are!!! I’m going to set the garage on fire.