Category: dirty jokes

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog. When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food. One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food. Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, “It smells like poop!” The old lady replied, “It is! Can I buy some toilet paper now?”

what do you call a dinosaur with a sore bum!

answer: a stegasore-ass

a tyranosore-ass

a megesore-ass

A rather fat woman with a sagging figure was vacationing in Florida. She goes into a shop and buys a bikini.The next day she comes back and wants to return the bikini top and get half her money back.The clerk says, “But you need the top too.”The woman replies, “No, I don’t. I can get everything into the bottom.”

I haven’t sold one tractor all month,” a tractor salesman tells his friend.

“That’s nothing compared to my problem,” his buddy replies. “I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with its left hind leg, so I tie its other leg up to the rafters. Then my wife comes walking in and I’ll tell ya, if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow, I’ll buy a tractor off ya.”

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize they’ll have to inform his wife. Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns carrying a six-pack of beer. ‘So did you tell her?’ asks Jeff.

‘Yep,’ replies Bob.

‘Say, where did you get the six-pack?’

‘She gave it to me.’

‘What?’ exclaims Jeff. ‘You just told her that her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?’

‘Sure,’ Bob says.

‘Why?’ asks Jeff.

‘Well,’ Bob continues, ‘when she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steve’s widow. “Widow,” she said, “no, no, you’re mistaken. I’m not a widow.”

So I said, “I’ll bet you a six-pack you are!”‘

I like to hang out around the playground, just watching the kids running and screaming. They don’t know I’m just using blanks.

mum,mum,come quickly,grandad has got his dick in the biscuit tin!,oh hush dear,you know he is fucking crackers!

What’s the worst stain to try to remove from a little boy’s underpants?

Michael Jackson’s makeup.

What does Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their greatest hit was THE WALL.

a lady was giving birth to a baby on the kitchen table when the baby finally came out the doctor grabbed the baby by the imbilical cord and started salmming it against the floor and then booted it to the other side of the room the lady then asked in a screaming voice “why did you do that to my baby” and the doctor replied “april fools it was already dead”

what did you do with that box??
what box??
the one you stood to kiss my ass

erick nelson is so fat he has a 24 pak of hot dogs on the back of his neck. and his best friend js has so much butter on his teeth