Category: dirty jokes

A really conceited guy is screwing a really conceited chick.

“Tight, aren’t I?” says the chick.

“No,” says the guy, “Just full!”

What is Rodeo Sex?Well, it’s where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her, “This is the way your sister likes it too.” You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle.

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, “You’re right,that ‘hind-lick’ maneuver works like a charm.”

A guy shows up at the emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his head.The doctor asks the guy how this came to be…”I was playing at that new course out in the country. Because of the only bad tee shot I’ve made in my life, my ball ended up in the cow pasture. While I was out there looking for it, some fat broad hit her ball into the same place.””So we’re both out there searching, and she’s swearing like she just invented it and beating the hell out of the forage with her club. I find a ball. She claims it’s hers, and we end up continuing to search for the other one while she bitches and I listen. Finally, I know I’ve looked everywhere except where some real cows are standing.””So I pick up the cows’ feet one by one, but there’s no ball under a cow. Now there’s only one other chance. I lift up the biggest cow’s tail, and sure as hell, there’s a golf ball! When I turned to the fat broad, the ball fell out. I pointed under the tail and said ‘Does that look like yours?'”

Q: What do Micheal Jackson and Saddam Hussein have in common?

A: They both pulled out of Jordan.

A guy comes home from the bar one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, “What in the world was that?”
He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.”
She thinks to herself “I’m gonna fix him.” Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, “What was that?”
She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”
Now he thinks, “I’m gonna fix her.” He’s lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?”
He replied, “Half time, switch sides.”

Q-why did the blonde screw the mexican?
A-Becuse her teacher told her to do an essay

little miss muffet
wanked on a tuffet
with a dildo the size of her arm
along came a nigger whos cock was much bigger
and did her some serious harm

A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off, and he
observed someone near him shouting at one of the departing passengers,
“Goodbye. Your wife was a great lay! Your wife was a great lay!”
He was stunned.
After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man who’d done the
shouting, and asked, “Did I hear you correctly? Did you tell that man
his wife was a great lay?”
The other man shrugged his shoulders. “It isn’t really true,” he
said, “but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.”

Two guys are out hunting and the one stops to take a pee and while he has his penis out he gets bit on the head of his penis by a snake. The other hunter takes out his cell phone to call his family doctor to ask what he should do for his friend. The doctor replies, “make a small incision between the two fang marks and suck the poison out and then take him to the hospital for further treatment”. The hunter that was bitten asked his friend what the doctor said and the other hunter replied “you’re gonna die”.

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.”Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.