Category: dirty jokes

Q. What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A. A pick pocket snatches watches.

A drunk man walks into a bar and says, “I’m gonna take a dump on all of you except for…you! Why me? Because I’m gonna wipe my ass with you!

Q: What’s the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?

A: The taste!

james sucks so much you scrape his teeth and all you get is ten pounds of left over cum

what if you were fixing a bowl of cereal and when you took the first bite, it was PORKIN’ beans and cereal?What if your knees were coconuts?What if you opened up your backpack and there was an evil, bloody baby inside?What if you were eating a candy bar and it had PORKIN’ beans instead of peanuts?What if somebody stabbed you in your asshole with a used cake knife?What if a gross, hairy eyeball was crawling up your leg?What if you took a shower with a stinking, dead heart of an armadillo instead of soap?What if you were stuck in a small, pitch-black closet with a thousand nasty sewer rats, and they were crawling over your body, especially your knees, neck, and mouth?What if you were brushing your hair with a used tampon?What if you bit into an apple and it was filled with cottage cheese – small curd?What if you were ugly?What if you were having sex with a diseased billy goat?What if you took a bath in sweat from a woman named Bertha?What if you had fresh produce and this sweaty cashier with nastiness on his hands touched it?What if your skin was peanut brittle?What if your skin was stucco?What if your toes were penises?What if your gel deodorant was mayonnaise?What if your nuts were bleeding bile?What if your eyes were nipples?What if (you were a woman) you took off your maxi pad and it had boo boo in the front of it?What if someone put pepper in your cereal?What if GOD was one of us?

There was a married couple in their living room, watching television. Suddenly the guy got the urge to have a hot 69 with his wife, “Hey, baby,” he said, “How ’bout I take you to the room and we go down on each other?””No…” she replies, “I’m having my period.””I don’t care let’s do it anyway.” the guy replied.”Ewww… okay.” She said, “But what if someone comes to the door.””I’ll just tell them I was eating a jelly sandwich and that I’m a messy guy.” So they go in the room and they’re going at it hardcore, when the doorbell rings. The guy looks up, and he decides to leave it. The door bell rings again, and a third time. The man finally gets up and opens the door and it’s a Fed Ex mail carrier. “I have a package for you.” The mail carrier said looking at the guy in a weird way.”Okay, I’ll sign for it.””What’s the matter with your face?” The mail carrier asked.”I was eating a jelly sandwich.” The guy replied.”Yeah? Well, you got some peanut butter on your nose.”

There were three Roosters… a straight rooster, a retarded rooster and a gay rooster. The straight rooster says cockeldoodeldoo.The retarded rooster says doodledoodlecock, and the gay rooster says anycockeldoo!

Q. Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect “10”?

A. Two 5 year olds.

The world was stunned by the news, this morning, of the death of the
Energizer Bunny. He was six years old.

Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42PM
last evening.

Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and going and
going, “Pinkie” as he was known to his friends and relatives, was
alone at the time of his death.

An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical Examiner,
Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest
induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone had put Mr.Bunny’s batteries in backwards, and he
kept coming, and coming and coming…..

What is the high point of a bulimic’s party?

When the cake comes out of the girl.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Superman is bored fighting crime everyday. So one Friday night he decides to go out in the town to have some fun. He drops by Batman’s house.

“Hey Batman”, he says “Wanna’ go out tonight?”

No I can’t”, replies Batman. “The Batmobile is broken and I gotta’ stay home and fix it, or else I won’t be able to fight crime”.

“You loser,” says Superman and flies away. He decides to stop by Spiderman’s house. “Hey, Spidy, how about hitting the town tonight, you and me,” he says.

“I’d love to, but I can’t”, replies Spiderman. “My web is broken and I gotta’ fix it to fight crime”.

Superman, all disgusted says “You loser. Stay home on a Friday night and fix your damn web”.

So he flies away. While flying from up above he spots Wonder Woman stark naked and lying down on her back spread-eagle. Superman thinks, “Hey, I am Superman, I can fly down there at the speed of light, have a quicky and fly back out and she won’t even feel it.”

Superman flies down, does a quick in-out-in-out and flies back out at the speed of light.

Wonder Woman says, “What the hell was that?” The Invisible man says, “I don’t know but my ass is killing me!”

A guy farted oops!