Category: dirty jokes

12. Greenpeace won’t let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.11. Neighborhood kids offer: “Mow your Volvo, sir?”10. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.9. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.8. “Wash Me” appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.7. Its impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.6. Your “cell phone antenna” is really a sapling which took root.5. The kids are convinced that those crumpled old newspapers at the floor of the car are housing varmits.4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs squaling around your tires.3. Kids write “PLOW ME!” on your trunk.2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing cat!

This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.The vet says. “I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the cows eyes will straighten out. The vet – a 70 year old man – inserts the pipe and blows. The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again. The vet looks at the farmer – a young healthy man – and says, you look like a strong man, why don’t you give it a try. The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cows ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.Holy smokes, says the vet. What in the hell did you do that for. The farmer replies, “You don’t think I am gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on.”

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, “I have some very bad news for you. I’m afraid that you’re afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease.”So the guy asks, “Well isn’t there ANYTHING I can do, doc?””Hmmm… maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths.” The doctor tells the patient.”Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?””Probably not… but at least you’ll get used to being covered in dirt!”

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.”I’m so ashamed, Doctor,” she said, “I guess I let myself go.”The physician was checking hers eyes and ears.”Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.””Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked.The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo.”

In The Oregonian, a Meier and Frank department store
advertisement for women’s bras and panties reads:

The perfect gift for that special woman in your life,
or great to keep for yourself.

Scene: A crowded city bus.Fat Lady: “PTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPT!!! aaaaaahhhhh. Guy in the set in front of her: (gag)One block farther along: Fat Lady: “PTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPTPT!!!!” Guy: (opens window)A minute later: Fat Lady: “PTPTPTPTPTPTPT! PTPTPTPTPT!”A couple of blocks along: Fat Lady: “PTPTPTPT! Ptptptpt!” Guy: (Sticks his head out the window.)Another minute: Fat Lady: “ptptpt. ptptpt.”A few minutes of silent stench later:Fat broad: “Pardon me, sir, would you happen to have the morning paper?”Guy: “No – but the next time we pass a tree I’ll reach out and try to grab some leaves for you.”

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price check on Tampax, supersize please.”

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the store misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “thumbtacks.”

In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, “Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Little Johnny refused to eat. So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, “What would you like to eat?””Worms” Little Johnny said. The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, “Here they are.””I want them fried” was the response.The nurse took them and had them fried.When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one. The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, “Here is only one. Now eat it.””I only want half and you eat the other” was the reply.The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry. The doctor asked what was wrong.Little Johnny said, “You ate my half!”

TWO people where sreaming push! pull!
when I went in I found them makig love an dthe woman was pulling and the man was pushing!
later they did hard core and did a blow job!!!

have you ever been spit on?

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.

Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all.

The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.

She speaks to the other bum and says, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”

Other bum says, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.�

Shouting out he say�s, �HEY WILLIE, FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”

if a 12″ dick was coming out of your forehead would you see it? no the balls would be covering your eyelids.