Category: dirty jokes

Q.What do you call someone when everything on their body looks good but their head?
A.An Butterhead

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs — without even a torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it.

Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. ‘I know,’ he said, ‘how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.’

The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, ‘Honey… Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!’

‘Noooooo!,’ shrieked the head, ‘Not another hat!’

In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were Hillary, she would have left President Clinton a long time ago.

In response, Clinton said, “Well if Pamela Anderson were Hillary, nothing would ever have happened in the first place!”

Ok, so a man walks into a bar in Milwalkee and goes to the bartender, “Give me ANYTHING BUT Coors!!”

And the bartender is like “Dude, this is Colorado, we ONLY sell Coors here!” And the man is like “But I have to drink something OTHER than Coors!!

See, last night I drank a case of Coors, and I blew chunks!!”

And the bartender says “Man, anyone who drank a case of ANY BEER would blow chunks!!”

And the man replies “No, you don’t understand, Chunks is my dog!”

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man: “Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence?

Look how well it’s built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands.

Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Fence-Builder? Nooo..”

Then the old man gestured at the bar. “Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and polished it is?

I planed that surface down by me own achin’ back. Carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eighteen days I worked.

But do they call me McGregor-the-Great- Bar-builder? Nooo…”

Then the old man points out the window. “Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see?

I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board, hands blistered and swollen by the salt.

But do they call me McGregor-the-Great-Pier-Builder? Nooo…”

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. “Ya screw one little goat . . . “

After God had created the world, he decided to come down and take a look of his creation of human.

He walked by several white men and went on with his business.

All of a sudden he walked by a black man and yelled out…..OOOPS, I BURNT ONE.

(and yes I do love black people, its just a joke)

One day this girl goes to her father, “Dad, I really want to see that movie that just came out, can I please go watch it.”

The dad replies, “Only if you suck my dick.”

The girl refuses but says, “please dad, I really really really want to go to the movies.”

The dad says again, “Only if you suck my dick, then Ill take you.”

Eventually the girl gives in and sucks his chop. As soon as she does, she leaps back and goes “Eewwww, it tastes like shit!”

The dad says, “Yeah, your brother wanted to go to the movies too.”

One morning a long-wed couple were in an amourous embrace and the wife says: “Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast… eggs, bacon, toast…” The husband says: “No, I’m not hungry, the viagra takes away my appetite.” Later in the day, the wife says: “Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favorite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets…” The husband again refuses, “I’m just not hungry after using that viagra.” Long about dinner time, the wife tries again, “Are you hungry yet?, I’ll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls.” The husband still refuses, “No, that Viagra just kills my appetite.” The wife then firmly says “well, I’m getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!!!”

a man walked into a pub and saw a donkey in a corner with a sign round his neck he asked the barman what it was about he said if u can do it you get the money in the jar near the donkey.so the man went over to the donkey read the sign and whispered in his ear and made him laugh so he took the money.the next nite the man came into the bar and saw the donkey with a different sign so the bar man said the same so he went over and looked at the sign and whispered in his ear and made the donkey cry and took the money,then he was just about to walk out when the barman stopped him and said what did u tell the donkey to win the money twice he said the first time i read the sign it said if u had a bigger cock than him u win money yeah said the barman and man said i did so i took the money and second said the barman i made him cry said the man cos i proved it

why does michael jackson act like a 28 year old?

because he gets 20 8 year olds

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, “Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?” The drunk replied, “Yes ma’am, I have indeed shit myself.” The woman says, “Well, why don’t you go somewhere and clean yourself up?” The drunk says, “‘Cos I’m not finished yet…”

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass, and the action immediately stopped.The lady was amazed. “How did you do that?” she asked.The little boy said, “That’s my dog! He can dish it out, but he can’t take it!”