Category: dirty jokes

your so FAT that you went on the scale the scale said”A-B-C-D-E-F-G, GET YOUR FAT BUT OFF OF ME

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, “IF YOU DON”T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I’LL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!”

A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, “did you jump?”

The boy said, “A little at first!”

DOCTOR DOCTOR I THINK I NEEDE GLASSES
YOU CERTENLY DO SIR THIS IS A FLOWER SHOP

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a proctologist?

A: A proctologist doesn’t pay for the assholes he’s poked around in.

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.”Are you my doctor?” he asked.”Yes, I am.”The baby said “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.”He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?””Yes, I am,” she said.”Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born” he said. He then looked at his father and asked “Are you my father?””Yes, I am,” his father answered.The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying “I want you to know that THAT HURTS!”

There was a teacher who wanted two boys to make up a sentence with timbucktwo.
Firstboy:
me and my mum went on holiday to timbucktwo.

Teacher:
very well done.

secondboy:
Me and my mate tim were walking down the street and saw three ladies I bucked one and timbuckedtwo

There were three prostitutes living together: a mother, a daughter and a grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down.”How did you do tonight, dear?”asked her mother.”Not too good.”replied the daughter, “I only got 20 dollars for a blow job””Wow!” said the mother, “In my day, we were glad to get 5 dollars for a blow job!””Good God!” said the Grandmother, “In my day, we were glad to just get something warm in our stomachs!”

A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, “Come here quick, Charlie! I’m paralyzed! I can’t get up!”

He comes in, takes a look, and says, “Stand up, you silly old bat. You’re kneeling on one of your tits.”

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”

So these three people are hiking in a forest, and all of a sudden these headhunters catch them and bring the hikers to the head headhunter.

The head headhunter says “If you want to live you must complete some tasks. First you must go into the forest, pick some fruits, and bring them back”

So the hikers did that and came back.

The head head hunter said “Now you must take the fruits you picked and stick them up your ass.”

So the first hiker has apples… Ok, apples it shouldn’t be too hard.
1 up okay… 2 up the hiker starts screeming, so the headhunters chop off his head.

The second hiker has grapes. Ok, grapes this should be easy!
1 up okay… 2 up fine… 3… 4 the hiker starts laughing like crazy! The headhunters chop off his head.

So the two hikers who got their heads chopped off are up in Heaven and the hiker who had the apples askes the hiker who had the grapes “What happened… you had grapes, I mean you got killed c’mon what happened?”

The guy who had grapes says, “Well the other hiker…….. he…….. he……… he had watermellons!”

1. Clifford the big red dog is put to sleep

If you get malaria from mosquitoes, and lime disease from ticks, what do you get AIDS from?

Asshoppers.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci