Category: computers

1. You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name.

2. You’d only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you’d be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.

4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

5. The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

6. The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.

7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you, “Really are important to us.”

8. Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, “We’re sorry, this store is temporarily unavailable.”

9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

10. You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.

11. You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.

12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She’s finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.Some features she’d like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:1. A “Yes I’ll cook, clean etc.” button.2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You’d think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.Another thing–all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.Bug WarningHusband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.More applications that won’t run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espresso’s as “getting wasted.”

You no longer own a real deck of cards. Solitaire, spades, and
hearts are all played on the computer.

Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the
bottom of the screen.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to
make a purchase is foreign to you.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is
ready, and he emails you back “What’s for dinner?”

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C: is the root of all directories.

8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There’s no place like http://www.home.com

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:

You start introducing yourself as “lord at pacbell dot net”

Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like

You check your mail. It says “no new messages”. So you check it again

Your phone bill is delivered in a box

You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom

All of your friends have an @ in their names

You tell the cab driver you live at http://
123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t have a job.

You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape
3.01″

You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet

You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile 🙂

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button

Your computer goes down, you haven’t logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this “unusual” handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was “Do you notice anything unusual about me?” The guy said, “Now that you mention it, you have no ears.” The man got really upset and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”

The guy also noticed, “Yes, you have no ears.” The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”

The guy replied “Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses.”

Surprised, the man then asked, “Wow! That’s quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?”

The guy burst out laughing and said you can’t wear glasses if you don’t have any ears!

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

There were two kids (both african american) it was halloween night and the two kids the brother and the sister wanted to go out trick or treatting but to do so they had to put on a costume first they dressed up as batman and robbin so they went next door dressed up and their neighbor says so who are you two supposed to be and they reply” batman and robin” she says batman and robin are not black so they go home and dress as raggady Ann and Raggady Andy they do the same they go next door and knock the woman asks the same question and they reply Raggady Ann and Raggady Andy and the woman says but Raggady Ann and Raggady Andy are not black so they go home and they change once more but being frustrated by all the remarks the girl says oh I have an idea take off all your clothes so they do and go next door and knock they woman asttonished opens the door and says oh my! and now what do you say you are ? the kids reply two hershey bars, one with nuts and one without!

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?
Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now….”

“Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea — massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.” — Gene Spafford

Editor’s note: I usually say, “take it with a grain of salt” but I verified this with the gent who sent it in and I trust him. It happend.——-I had a minor but vexing problem with Windows98 Second Edition in June 2000, so I navigated the MS-Maze(tm) at http://search.support.microsoft.com/. Once I was at a page that looked like it was suitable, I articulated my problem and clicked SUBMIT.I got a nice reply which seemed sensible, but in the end didn’t solve the problem. I let them know that the solution they offered didn’t work. I went on to tell them that the process for getting their suggested solution (separate and apart from the fact that it was useless), by navigating a website with logins and passwords was pretty silly. Why not just send me an email?I got This Reply [typos are left in because it shows this was from a real person who did not use/have a spell checker:> > Delighting our customers is our top priority. We welcome your > > comments and suggestions about how wecan imporve the support > > we provide to you. > >> > We look forward to hearing from you. Heh. If you know me at all, you know I did just that:> Sirs:>> 1) The question was about running a simple DOS progam under Windows. >> 2) I think that it is absurd to have to access a website to get > your answer to my question. >> 3) Your answer to my question is indistinguishable from an email, > and does not look better or easier to understand on a website. >> 4) I feel it is absurd to lock this email on a web page that> requires login and password that I am unlikely to ever use again.> My question was as generic as can be. There is no need to place> the discussion of this issue in a secure environment.> > 5) Your web server refused to recognize my login and my password, 24> hours after accepting them.>> 6) It is my strong recommendation you award this systems designer and > manager, “Dilbert PHB” Certificate for silly non-functional > system of the week.> > 7) Kindly do not recommend that I should use a Microsoft Browser> or email client to access your system.[The login and password worked 24 hours later. They explained that the password database had crashed.]Here is their NEXT reply:> Hello :> > I apologize for the fact that we did not meet your expectations in this > particular instance. My goal as a Manager is to make sure that every > customer receives the service they deserve.>> Please accept my apologies!!Well not being one to let a straight line like that pass I replied:> Hi there Customer Feedback for PSS Customers, good to hear from you.>> Thank you for your kind note. I shall take it in the spirit in > which it was sent.>> Warm regards,>>

Subject: If cars were *really* like computersWhat if cars really were like computers? You’d have a helpline to assist in solving problems as they came up… Now just imagine if the same people that answer the phones at Microsoft had to answer the General Motors helpline… HelpLine: ‘General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?’Customer: ‘I can get in through the driver’s side door just fine, but I can’t open the passenger’s side.’HelpLine: ‘How did you try to open the passenger’s side?’Customer: ‘I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side.’HelpLine: ‘People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger’s side. Remember, you’re always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It’s more consistent that way.’ HelpLine: ‘General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?’Customer: ‘How do I turn my windshield wipers on?’HelpLine: ‘There’s a little button on the radio console . . .’Customer: ‘Radio console??’HelpLine: ‘Yes, it’s more efficient to have all the controls in one central position. Look for the one with a shape like a piece of pie on it.’Customer: ‘And that’s the windshield wiper button? I was always wondering what that did.’HelpLine: ‘People are always asking that. You’d think they’d be more familiar with the principles of graphic design.’ HelpLine: ‘General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?’Customer: ‘My car will go forward, but when I put it in reverse, nothing happens.’HelpLine: ‘What model do you have?’Customer: ‘It’s a brand new 1994 Mongoose.’HelpLine: ‘Yes, but it is a 1994R with a big R or 1994r with a small r?’Customer: ‘I don’t know. Let me find out and I’ll call you back.’HelpLine: ‘Alright, but let me tell you you’ve probably got the small r model. You’ll need to upgrade to the big R version to go in reverse.’ HelpLine: ‘General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?’Customer: ‘I just called about the car that wouldn’t go in reverse.’HelpLine: ‘Well, yes, we get a lot of calls about that.’Customer: ‘It turns out I have the small r model. But I bought the one with the ‘Reverse gear option’.’HelpLine: ‘Yes, that’s the option to upgrade to a reverse gear.’Customer: ‘Why don’t they all just come with a reverse gear in the first place?’HelpLine: ‘Well, that’s very difficult to do, even for our world-class engineers, and not everyone may want it. Also, it makes the car more complicated to drive. So we offer it as an option to our ‘power drivers’.’Customer: ‘How come all the Jupiters have had it standard since 1974?’ HelpLine’ ‘Ahem. Well, yes, they’re not a market leader, they’re just for people who really like working on cars. If you really want to get involved in those kind complicated details, go right ahead . . .’But really, we’re leaving out an important part: HelpLine: ‘General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?’Customer: ‘My car just caught fire.’HelpLine: ‘I see. And what model was it?’Customer: ‘1994r Mongoose.’HelpLine: ‘Big or small . . .’Customer: ‘ . . . small r.’HelpLine: ‘And your registration number?’Customer: ‘426917-woof-271828-arf-314159-spam.’HelpLine: ‘And where did you buy your car?’Customer: ‘Fast Eddie’s Sports-o-rama in Glendale.’HelpLine: ‘And what was the name of the salesman?’Customer: ‘I don’t remember.’HelpLine: ‘I see. Are you sure you didn’t steal this car?’Customer: ‘Of course I didn’t steal it!’HelpLine: ‘And would you be interested in purchasing our extended service contract?’