Category: computers

IBM: I Bought a Mac

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four hundred and seventy-two: One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb one to write WinGetLightSwitch- Handle…

Q: How many technical support personnel does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK. Now, exactly how dark is it? OK. There could be four or five things wrong… Have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We’ve formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We just notice that the room is dark; we don’t actually fix the problem.

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into the faucet.

Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.

Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.

Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The light bulb works fine in my office.

Q: How many shipping department guys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m., and pay an extra $15, we can get the light bulb changed overnight.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.

Q: How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85.00 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider . . .

Q: How many quality assurance techs does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, and you’ll need a 48 hour burn-in, two hours of cool down, and a very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb so don’t expect to see either bulb for a week or so.

Q: How many receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Zero-well, actually one: the one who told the office manager about the light bulb problem in the first place.

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. That’s a hardware problem.

The Vatican has unveiled a email address for the new Pope.

In related news, the Pope has received a confidential financial offer from the President of Nigeria.

A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: “You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong.” Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked.

Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000 and up. Here are a couple of examples:
* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.

Guess which has occured?

Air Force One, the jet that carries the President, was on it’s way to a summit meeting in Washington, DC on the status of the Internet.On board were Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates. Halfway to DC, the plane suddenly crashed and all on board died instantly. Up in Heaven, God sat upon a large throne and looked down to pass judgement on the three men.’Bill Clinton’, God said, ‘What do you believe in?’Clinton replied, ‘I believe in freedom of speech, in music and in serving the public.”Very well,’ God said, ‘You may enter Heaven, Mr. Clinton.’Al Gore stepped up. ‘Mr. Gore, what do you believe in?’, God asked.’I believe in saving the environment, I believe in fresh air and trees and I did everything I could to ensure that our children would inherit a clean environment.’ Al said.’Very well,’ God said, ‘You may enter Heaven, Mr. Gore.’Bill Gates stepped up. ‘Mr. Gates,’ God said, ‘What do you believe in?’Bill adjusted his glasses, looked up at God and said,’I believe you are sitting in my chair.’

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says “Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish.”The hardware engineer went first. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.The software engineer went next. “I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.” The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.Last, but not least, it was the project manager’s turn. “And what would your wish be?” asked the genie.”I want them both back after lunch” replied the project manager.

Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch).These instructions are frequently abbreviated into total incomprehensibility. Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of instructions. Frequently when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions. These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first time. ARG: Agree to Run GarbageBDM: Branch and Destroy MemoryCMN: Convert to Mayan NumeralsDDS: Damage Disk and StopEMR: Emit Microwave RadiationETO: Emulate Toaster OvenFSE: Fake Serious ErrorGSI: Garble Subsequent InstructionsGQS: Go Quarter SpeedHEM: Hide Evidence of MalfunctionIDD: Inhale Dust and DieIKI: Ignore Keyboard InputIMU: Irradiate and Mutate UserJPF: Jam Paper FeedJUM: Jeer at Users MistakeKFP: Kindle Fire in PrinterLNM: Launch Nuclear MissilesMAW: Make Aggravating WhineNNI: Neglect Next InstructionOBU: Overheat and Burn if UnattendedPNG: Pass Noxious GasQWF: Quit Working ForeverQVC: Question Valid CommandRWD: Read Wrong DeviceSCE: Simulate Correct ExecutionSDJ: Send Data to JapanTTC: Tangle Tape and CrashUBC: Use Bad ChipVDP: Violate Design ParametersVMB: Verify and Make BadWAF: Warn After FactXID: eXchange Instruction with DataYII: Yield to Irresistible ImpulseZAM: Zero All MemoryPI : Punch InvalidPOPI: Punch Operator ImmediatelyRASC: Read And Shred CardRPM: Read Programmers MindRSSC: Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy)RTAB: Rewind Tape and BreakRWDSK: ReWind DiSKSPSW: Scramble Program Status WordSRSD: Seek Record and Scar DiskWBT: Water Binary Tree

Dear Technical Support:

I’m currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve
been having some problems lately. I’ve been running the same
version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary
application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have
always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t
crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is
turned off. But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch
to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works
okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf
program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought
I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months
of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has
had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t
have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would
require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right – as soon as
I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the
bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it
gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and
shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend
4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a
virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I
discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried
running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still
installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about
that automatically senses the presence of any other version of
GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results
in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still
some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in
some obscure language I can’t understand, much less reprogram.
Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and
feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the
best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use
gold-plated contacts. And I’ve never liked how GirlFriend is
totally “object-oriented.” A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded
his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a
Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered
that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t
upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had
to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource
hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything
else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0
was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out
the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits
access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted
to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well
warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not
ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an
automatic pop-up feature he can’t turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard
if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife
1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway because of insufficient
resources. Any Ideas???

Martha Stewart vs Me…

Martha’s way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha’s way: Use a meat baster to “squeeze” your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you’ll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha’s way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha’s way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren’t you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha’s way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Martha’s way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili’s every night and avoid cooking.

Martha’s way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won’t be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won’t be any leftovers.

Martha’s way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

Martha’s way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up”
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad.
My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.

Martha’s way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha’s way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don’t do it.

Martha’s way: Place a slice of apple inhardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be “soft”?

Martha’s way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn’s natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha’s way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn’t fresh.

Martha’s way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can’t rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn’t the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Martha’s way: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?

Martha’s way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Martha’s way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Martha’s way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success.

He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.

The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.

Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.

In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.

In response to all this goading, GM responds: “Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?