Category: computers

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

—

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good luck,

Tech Support

A computer scientist died and of course was immediately sent to hell.

As he gloomily entered the infernal gates, he was amazed to find hell was a vast computer laboratory with equipment beyond his wildest dreams.

There were machines of unbelievable capacity and memory, machines that could work at speeds unheard of on earth.

“What do you think of hell?” asked the devil.

“Wonderful” said the computer scientist, “give me a few discs and let me try these machines out.”

“Ahhhhh!,” grinned the devil. “We’ve got no software down here.”

Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk.

Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away Susie called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

And he replied, “It was an ‘ID ten T’ error.”

A puzzled expression ran over Susie’s face. ” ‘An ID ten T’ error? What’s that, in case I need to fix it again?”

He gave her a grin. “Haven’t you ever seen an ‘ID ten T’ error before?”

Susie replied, “No.”

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.” . . . . . . . I D 1 0 T

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.

“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???

“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The boy said, “Look I’m a software engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”

Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo, Tantilazing and yisman

* My DOS system got corroded.

* I have about 20,000 megabytes on my hard drive.

* OK, I have a C: backsplash.

* Do I hit “F” and “8” at the same time?

* I have 384,000 free contentious memory

* I have a cursing flasher.

* Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?

“No, I only have 3 of them.”

* I have Microword Soft.

* Do you want a forward backslash?

* You want me to “REAM” out SETVER?!

* I was flooding the help file.

* My BOOTLEG file didn’t say anything.

* I just put on DOS/Windows 6.0 and my memory crashed the system.

* Press any key. “I can’t find it!!”

* This DOS program says I have insignificant memory.

* How do I use my High Megabit memory?

* It says one copy filed.

* Where do I get the 6.2 step on disk?

* I’m having problems with Prodigy now, cause I bought a modem.

* I’m in the CONSYS.FIG file.

* I have SETUP.EXERSIZE on my B floppy.

* Can you hang on while I take out my earring?

* I lost my blue Cyanide color in DOSSHELL.

* When I type Empty Space TEMP it says bad command.

* I have a scummy card in my system.

* One moment while I PARK you (Please Hold).

* I have a terminant swap file.

* I have a terminal swap file.

* I have a termanent swap file.

* Why can’t I call more than one BBS with one modem at a time?

this IS a MULTITASKING system, isn’t it??

* I have a “teer” to “teer” network.

* I’ve been using Windows for well over 10 years now.

* I’m in 386 enchanted mode.

* Memory? Is that the RAM stuff?

* Why is my permanent swap file taking up 91K?! (9,186,532 bytes)

* Type SHELL=FROGMAN.EXE?

* What kind of system do you have? “HP!”

* My modem can’t see my Windows!

* I have “SET TEMPERATURE=C:DOS”

IBM: Identical Blue Men

Q: What do you get when you cross a hooker with a systems engineer?

A: A fuckin know-it-all!

YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?

Yes.

ARE YOU REALLY SURE?

Yes.

ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?

*****yes!******

OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE’RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE “ANTI-TRUST” NONSENSE. INGRATE.

Just get on with it.

ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.

Groan.

THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.

Problems? What problems?

THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.

But I’m using it at this very moment.

THAT IS IRRELEVANT.

But if the video card isn’t working with the mother board then I can’t very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn’t…

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE – MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.

All that?

YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON’T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.

Well what *DOES* work?

THE MOUSE.

The mouse?

YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.

I don’t have a 5 1/4 drive.

YES YOU DO.

No I don’t.

WHAT’S THAT THEN?

It’s a 3 1/2 drive.

NO IT ISN’T.

Yes it is.

YOU’RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.

Look, can you just install XP on my system and I’ll download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?

WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?

Well it is mine.

NO IT ISN’T.

It bloody well is.

NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. IT’S OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.

But why?

BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CAN’T VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? I’LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT’S WHERE. I… HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU’RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT’S ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOU’RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE……….

C:>

Seen in the want ads:

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Feel free to apply, but please only read lines 1, 3, and 5.

20) Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95.

19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

17) Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.

16) Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got
Mail.”

15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.

13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11) Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies
tail-wagging.

10) Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft
Opposable Thumb.

9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.

8) ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…

7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition
software.

6) SmellYou-SmellMe still in beta test.

5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the
question!

4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.

3) annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.

2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat
rooms.

… and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don’t Use Computers…

1) Too damn hard to type with paws.