Category: computers

Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:

Time Magazine’s next “Man Of The Year” issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course will strictly be a coincidence.

The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say, “You cwazy wabbit, you’ve been onwine for 5 minutes and that’s way-y-y too long… we’re going to boot you off!”

The next time that you hear Bugs Bunny say, “Eh, what’s up Doc?” he will be referring to your monthly AOL subscription charge.

Drive – Getting home during most of the winter to your wood stove

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Programmers
DOCTORS
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.

This is not a problem with your programmer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll ever meet another woman in his profession.

LAWYER
Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?

Once again, this is not a problem with your programmer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

SALESMAN
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc, where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show.

The company that your programmer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc, just about the time you are at your sexual peak.

The only hazards that your programmer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp. And when you ask “Honey, were you looking at her?” he’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see her.

TEACHER
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to look for another man.

Folks, I don’t normally send out virus warnings, but this one is
extremely serious. Please read very carefully and take care!

If you receive an email entitled “Crazy Times” delete it
immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it
will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your
computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on
your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s
you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so
all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your
mother-in-law’s number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and
bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind
your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind
your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way
that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active
verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable
misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key
sentences.

If the “Crazy Times” message is opened in a Windows 95
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your
hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and
pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole
milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing
it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)

It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

“Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y-to-K” date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

and…:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We’ll await your direction.”

“Mommy, mommy! look at all those $2 video games at the back of
K-Mart! Can you get me some?” The voice of an innocent child who
does not know what he is getting himself into. He has entered…
The Reject Zone!

Here are some rejects for your viewing pleasure. Heehee!

10. Barney goes through puberty (and i always thought he was
hairless!)

9. Drunk airplane pilot 4: descent (bubba ain’t done with his
damn 40 yet!)

8. Dungeon Peeper (you hornball, you!)

7. Sonic the Hedgehog discovers how to use a gun (finaly! i’m
sick of his damn non-violent actions! blood, gore, blood
gore!!!! oh um, excuse me, got a little carried away there)

6. Mario and the evil hermaphrodite colony from venus (oooooh! a
new definition of masturbation!)

5. How to masturbate for dummies (yes, yes, i know, you learned
the hard way)

4. Sim amoeba (look at those germs go!)

3. The Tellitubbies disover they’re gay (i knew all along)

2. Whorehouse raid (lookin’ for a good time, sailor?)

And finally,

1. Barbie misses her period (a classic)

Personally, my favorite is Dungeon Peeper (very graphic). But
don’t take my word for it! Waste your own money on these
wonderfully explicit, cheap, (and fake) games!

The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998

13 “Correction: The cookie recipe in question cost $350, not $250 as previously reported.”

12 “Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.”

11 “We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.”

10 “Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.”

9 “Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!”

8 “In Thursday’s edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message…”

7 “This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater.”

6 “Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.”

5 “It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur ‘Genius Grant.'”

4 “Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.”

3 “Our article describing O.J. Simpson as ‘slashing out’ over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…”

2 “As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.”

and Top5’s Number 1 Other Retraction Printed by the NY Times in 1998…

1 “Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday.”

If God made software …

… It would always work, and work perfectly every time.
… It would have every feature a user REALLY needed.
… The software would never expire or go out of date.
… It would come with automatic back-up and rescue utilities.
… It would recommend votive candles for installation, training, and
support.
… Upgrades could be installed with a little extra effort on the user’s
part, but would come with built-in support.
… Help would be available 24 x 7 at no charge.
… Support calls would never have busy signals or voice menus.
… Support for the product would never be discontinued.
… It wouldn’t be junk.
… It would be compliant for all millenia.
… Help for one application would work for all other applications.
… Games would teach us important life lessons, too.
… It would be immune to viruses (and XXX web sites).
… It would work on every hardware platform and every user configuration.
… The software would work particularly well when the hardware was
failing.
… You wouldn’t need any kind of special peripheral device or internet
connection.
… You should always have enough memory to run it.
… A monopoly would be a good thing.

20. Try to sell home-made LSD to caller.

19. “Still not used to this whole electricity thing, huh?”

18. Proclaim your undying love.

17. Advise the customer to lick the power supply.

16. “So, what are you wearing?”

15. Constantly refer to caller as “Pumpkin”.

14. As you look up a part number, whistle loudly in a monotone.

13. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

12. “What you do is get yourself 50 cents and go and buy a clue.”

11. Use baby talk.

10. “I don’t get paid enough to deal with jerks like you.”

9. Ridicule the inadequacy of the caller’s system.

8. “Yo no hablo ingles.”

7. Use metaphors based on your experiences with rabid dogs.

6. Laugh maniacally.

5. Twist the callers words to make it seem as if there is no problem.

4. “You’re screwed. You’re just screwed.”

3. Encourage the caller to pound on the CPU casing.

2. Try to set up caller with your second cousin.

1. “How the hell did you get access to a computer?”

A woman approached the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter asked for her social security number. The woman told him, and Saint Peter typed on his workstation:pearly-gates:~/peter> grep 212-53-6432 /earth/human/statusThe computer responded:212-53-6432 Cindy Smith [email protected]!earth naughty pearly-gates:~/peter>Saint Peter then told her she was eternally damned, and that a minivan to hell would be arriving shortly.Cindy began to protest “but what did I do wrong? I loved my fellow neighbor as I loved myself, I was a kind, warm, gentle person! Surely there must be a mistake!”So, Saint Peter looked up on the files, and saw, lo and behold that she truly was a kind, warm, gentle person…until he saw the entry for jan 7, 1992-earth, which read:***DAMNABLE VIOLATION #69*** Posted irrelevant article to newsgroup.After probing a little more, Saint Peter explained to the woman “It seems that on January 7, 1992 you posted an article to Alt.religion.computers. This article gave no praise of Emacs, no snide remarks toward Microsoft, and not even a comment on the proper definition of ‘hacker’! In fact, the article was not even relating to computers at all, and discussed, of all things, human religion! There wasn’t even a reference to Bob or Discordianism, Zen, or the Tao of programming. Oh dear, this is terrible.””You see, heaven is a perfect place, and we only have room for the most perfect people. Ever since we ran the T-3 line up from New Jersey we’ve been particularly harsh on breakers of netettiquite. Didn’t you read RFC-23654? The one proposing commandments 11 through 15?”He opened up an XTerm window and searched for some files. After a few moments, the laser printer spat out a crisp sheet of paper. It read:11: Thou shalt not flame spelling or grammar.12: Thou shalt not have a .sig file longer than 3 lines.13: Thou shalt not send “All fags must die” messages to 19 random groups.14: Thou shalt not request post a frequently asked question.15: Thou shalt not post to a group without first reading a week’s worth of posts, thereby avoiding irrelevant articles.When she was done, she began to stammer, but Saint Peter stopped her, saying “I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can do. To register a complaint, you’ll have to send mail to [email protected]. We have a group of cherubim who manage such requests. But don’t send it to status-change@godvax. heaven.com, otherwise your request will be distribute to the whole mailing list. They *hate* that! In fact, there’s some discussion about making that the 16th commandment…”At that point, a Dodge minivan drove up and came to a stop. Satan, in the form of an IBM salesperson, stepped out. “Welcome!”, she said. “We’ve been waiting for you…” Cindy, almost in a trance, stepped into the minivan and was wisked away to the netherworld, a world of COBOL, System 36’s, punch cards, incompatible network standards, and irresponsible news posters. Satan turned to Cindy, and smiled. “You’ll like it here”, she said, “We have netnews, but we’ve greatly simplified it. We have only one group, it’s alt.talk.sci.comp.soc.rec.misc!”

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s column (according with the original sender)

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP. We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don’t know what’s happened. He’s changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy’s letters.

Dear Mom,

The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.

Love,

Billy.

Dear Mom,

Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechwan food? I’m getting used to it now. Gotta go, it’s time for the flowchart class.

Love,

Billy.

P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It’s spell checked too.

Dear Mom,

Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don’t have much of a tan ’cause we don’t go outside very often. You can’t see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I’m okay, really.

Love,

Billy.

Dear Mom,

I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it’s okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I’ve got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love,

Billy.

Dear Mother,

Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I got into the university’s in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He’s really smart. He says that I shouldn’t call myself Billy anymore. So, I’m not.

Signed,

William.

Dear Mother,

How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get so upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you’d be proud of my program. After all, I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won’t be home until late August.

Regards,

William.

Mother,

Stop treating me like a child. True — physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won’t write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

Sincerely,

William.

See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr. Dvorak? I know that it’s probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE …CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.

Thank you very much.

Sally Gates,

Concerned Parent

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes….#1,#2,#3.”Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” the departing CEO said.Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press — and Wall Street — responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganise.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”