Category: computers

If you receive an email entitled “Badtimes,” delete it immediately! Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone’s autodial to call only your mother-in-law’s number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some)to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few signs of infection. PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!! LIFE IS UNCERTAIN; EAT YOUR DESSERT FIRST!

1. Compaq is considering changing the instruction “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packed in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to FAX anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to FAX a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor’s screen and pressing the “Send” key.

5. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find the printer.” The user had also turned the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn’t see the printer.

6. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in she responded, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

7. True story from a Novell NetWire System Operator…
Caller: “Hello is this tech support?”
Tech: “Yes it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?”
Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, or at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trade mark on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.” (At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard.) The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.

8. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said put in the third disk — I couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realised that “Insert Disk 2” meant remove Disk 1 first.

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line “Free Money,” DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.

Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days TORTURING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.

Some filthy, disgusting miscreant . . . some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of her own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e- mail entitled “Free Money. “What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e- mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. “Free Money” can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.

How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of some debate . . . but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren’t a SERIOUS situation, we wouldn’t be discussing it in ALL CAPS.

So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Don’t do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!

Log On……Make the barbie hotter

Log Off……Don’t add any more wood

Monitor……Keeping an eye on the barbie

Download……Get the firewood off the ute

Floppy Disc……What you get lifting too much firewood at once

Window……What you shut when it’s cold

Screen……What you shut in the mozzie season

Byte……What mozzies do

Bit……What mozzies did

Mega Byte……What Townsville mozzies do

Chip……A bar snack

Micro Chip……What’s left in the bag after you have eaten the chips

Modem……What you did to the lawns

Dot Matrix……Old Dan Matrix’s wife

Laptop……Where the cat sleeps

Software……Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster

Hardware……Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart

Mouse……What eats the grain in the shed

Mainframe……What holds the shed up

Web……What spiders make

Web Site……The shed or under the verandah

Cursor……The old bloke that swears a lot

Search Engine……What you do when the ute won’t go

Upgrade……A steep hill

Server……The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

Mail Server……The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch

User……The neighbour who keeps borrowing things

Network……When you have to repair your fishing net

Internet……Complicated fish net repair method

Netscape……When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net

Online……When you get the laundry hung out

Off Line……When the pegs don’t hold the washing up

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE

10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on “STUN.”

9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7) One word: Lightsabers.

6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

5) The Death Star doesn’t care if a world is class “M” or not.

4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named “SlaveI.”

1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through a entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression. ” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop. Additions

31. You laugh and forward this message to more than 3 people.

32. Even worse, you laugh and forward this message to your entire joke mailing list.

IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine

• If you introduce your wife as “[email protected]”
• If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
• If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
• If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
• If Dilbert is your hero
• If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
• If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
• If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
• If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
• If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
• If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys
• If you use a CAD package to design your son’s Pine Wood Derby car
• If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
• If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
• If you window shop at Radio Shack
• If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
• If you have “Dilbert” comics displayed anywhere in your work area
• If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
• If you are convinced you can build a p out of your garage door opener and your camera’s flash attachment
• If you don’t even know where the cover to your personal computer is
• If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
• If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
• If you own “Official Star Trek” anything
• If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what’s inside
• If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
• If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
• If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
• If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
• If you have never backed-up your hard drive
• If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
• If you truly believe aliens are living among us
• If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
• If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as-is”
• If you see a good design and still have to change it
• If the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions
• If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
• If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
• If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don’t remember where they are
• If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
• If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
• If you have more toys than your kids
• If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
• If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
• If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
• If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
• If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work and you rush up to the front to fix it
• If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
• If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel
• If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
• If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family’s first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
• If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
• If you can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting
• If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
• If you can’t remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
• If you did the sound system for your senior prom
• If your checkbook always balances
• If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
• If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
• If you thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers
• If you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep
• If you spend more on your home computer than your car
• If you know what http:/ stands for
• If you’ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
• If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
• If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
• If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
• If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

14> Automatically removes copyright notices from humor lists.

13> Minesweeper now runs really, really, *really* fast.

12> Garunteed 100% Mathomaticly Ackurat

11> Far superior to its brothers, Pentium III Mike and Pentium III Ernie.

10> Goes great with Pentium III salsa!

9> Converts your 3-month-old, $2000 computer into a handy boat anchor.

8> In benchmark tests against other chips, it consistently delivered vastly higher prices.

7> First processor to be made entirely out of Havarti cheese and raisins.

6> Now Featuring, “Good ol’ Vulcan Logic”

5> Like all Pentiums, it provides its own fireworks at midnight, January 31, 1999.

4> In anticipation of Y10K, all years are stored as Roman numerals.

3> Secretly monitors the Internet for new porn sites, which are then automatically added to the President’s bookmark file.

2> Runs at a blazing 600 EthelMertz per second!

1> Allows net geeks to go twice as long without human contact.

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

Ah, the things that drop into my mailbox… A fellow who manages one of the Y2K compliance projects at a major US-based multinational corporation reports the following (lightly edited to protect sources): Apparently [a large food retail chain in Britain] with highly automated regional distribution centers was starting to receive canned goods with expiration dates running past 2000. So, at the same time as they were receiving shipments of tinned tomatoes with shelf lives until ’05 (which were being shuffled into storage bins by their automated pallet system), their automated ‘expired goods’ system was scanning the new stuff, thinking they had gone bad 92 years ago, pulling them, and putting them on to lorries which then took them to the dump. […] after trashing the ‘expired’ tins, the automated system placed an order to the supplier to replace them. Apparently some guy at the warehouse noticed this but didn’t want to say anything […] It was only when the tomato company’s sales rep said something like, ‘Jeez, you guys are selling a lot of our tinned tomatoes lately,’ that they caught on.

Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:

Time Magazine’s next “Man Of The Year” issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course will strictly be a coincidence.

The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say, “You cwazy wabbit, you’ve been onwine for 5 minutes and that’s way-y-y too long… we’re going to boot you off!”

The next time that you hear Bugs Bunny say, “Eh, what’s up Doc?” he will be referring to your monthly AOL subscription charge.

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.Has won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times during the movie “The Net.”Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.Their video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among turn-ons.Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President.”You hear them murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA card now, Professor “I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”