Category: computers

Mac Beer — At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there’s substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0: Also known as “one point uh-oh”, or “barely out of beta”. We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We’re praying that you’ll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs …

1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it’s really not what the customer needs yet, but we’re working on it.

2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don’t think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won’t believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that’s been there since 1.0 and wouldn’t stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0: Hey, we finally think we’ve got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0: More features. It’s doubled in size now, by the way, and you’ll need to get more memory and a faster processor …

4.1: Just one or two bugs this time… Honest!

5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We’re cutting the staffing after this.

6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it’s been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1: Since I’m leaving the company and I’m the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I’ve made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn’t do anything). They’re talking about obsolescence planning but they’ll try to keep selling it for as long as there’s a buck or two to be made.

If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she’d be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it’s the ’90’s!), he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark’s brother on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she’d be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

Lorena Bobbit virus:
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy

Tim Allen virus:
Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact

Woody Allen virus:
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Saddam Hussein virus:
Won’t let you into any of your programs

Tonya Harding virus:
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

George Michael virus:
Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup

Joey Buttafuoco virus:
Only attacks minor files. Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

The judge said to Mickey “I can not grant you a divorce from Minney, there is no evidence that she is crazy” and Mickey said, “I didnt say she was crazy, I said she was fuckin’ Goofy!”

It’s time to turn off your computer when…

…you wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, but stop to check your email first.

…you name your children Eudora, Aol, and Dotcom.

…you turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you pulled the plug on a loved-one.

…you spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.

…you decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

…you laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

…you start using smileys in your snail mail (if you even remember what that is).

…you find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com

…you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

…you can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.

…you check your mail. It says “no new messages”. So you check it again.

…you don’t know what gender your three closest friends are because they have neutral screen-names, and you never bothered to ask.

…you move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

…you tell the cab driver to take you to http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.
…you start tilting your head sideways to smile.

The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes Assigned

Winerr 000 – Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything
Winerr 001 – Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly
Winerr 002 – Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)
Winerr 003 – RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?
Winerr 004 – Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error
Winerr 005 – Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename
Winerr 006 – Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash
Winerr 007 – Alphanumeric Sequence “OS2” Prohibited
Winerr 008 – This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy
Winerr 009 – Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors
Winerr 00A – Non-Microsoft Application Encountered
Winerr 00B – Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement
Winerr 00C – Windows Loaded Correctly This Time
Winerr 00D – User Error; Lemming Not Found
Winerr 00E – Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize
Winerr 00F – Reserved for Future Coding Errors
Winerr 010 – Virus Error – Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead
Winerr 011 – Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN
Winerr 012 – Cash Underflow – Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated
Winerr 013 – Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down
Winerr 014 – User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue
Winerr 015 – Error Message Deleted
Winerr 016 – Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence
Winerr 017 – Multitasking Attempted; System Confused
Winerr 018 – Network Error – Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations
Winerr 019 – Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue
Winerr 01A – Insult Detected — Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted
Winerr 01B – Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted
Winerr 01C – Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.
Winerr 01D – Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota
Winerr 01E – Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here
Winerr 01F – Error In Progress; Please Wait….
Winerr 020 – Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember
Winerr 021 – Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error
Winerr 022 – Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?”I know,” said the Branch Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.””No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.””Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”

Diskette – A female Disco dancer.

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter: “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

Bill: “Fine, but where should I go first?”
St. Peter: “I’ll leave that up to you.”
“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!”
“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.
“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?”

“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.

God made oceans, God made lakes, God made NSYNC but hey, we all make
mistakes!!!!

Log off – Don’t add a log to your wood stove