Category: computers

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

”Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, ”well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter said, ”I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”

”Fine, but where should I go first?”

”I’ll leave that up to you.”

”Okay then,” said Bill, ”Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

”This is great!” he told St. Peter. ”If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

”Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

”Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.

”Fine,” retorted St. Peter, ”as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

”How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, ”This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???”

”That was the demo,” replied St. Peter.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Wednesday, 22 October 1998WASHINGTON — The Justice Department today filed suit against Ford Motor Company, alleging that Ford’s practice of ‘bundling’ radios with its cars was a monopolistic restriction of trade, and an unfair competitive practice against makers of car radios such as Alpine and Pioneer.’We feel that it is wrong for Ford to give away what other companies charge for,’ said Joe Klein, head of the DOJ’s antitrust division. ‘Furthermore, requiring that Ford dealers deliver cars to consumers with radios preinstalled restricts consumer choice.’Justice demanded that Ford immediately cease shipping cars with radios, and that it provide current Ford owners with easy instructions for removing their existing radios. Klein also asked a judge to impose a $1,000,000 per day fine on Ford for each day it failed to comply. ‘Usually, antitrust fines are about $10,000 per day,’ Klein said. Klein called the amount of the requested fine ‘unprecendented’, but then said, ‘Well, you know, what the hell.’

Byte – What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.

knock kncok
whos there
lil boy blue
lil boy blue who
michel jackson

whats the xbox and michel jackson and the xbox got in common
thay both get turned on by kids

Pfizer Corp (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name “Mount and Do.”

Pepsi’s proposed ad campaign suggests:
“It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.”

BEAVERTON, OREGON – Intel Corporation announced a major expansion of its successful ‘Intel Inside’ campaign with a new line of silicon breast implants.’We thought this would be a natural market for us because of our unparalleled knowledge of silicon,’ Intel spokesperson Duwane Marino told the tightly-packed audience at a press conference in the Teton Auditorium in Beaverton’s Civic Center Building. ‘Besides, Intel has a wealth of experience forcing new technology on the mass market. We feel that we’re the company that makes cosmetic upgrades a part of the average person’s life.Implant beta-test subject, actress and model Eirika Anderssen, stated that her career is 133% faster since receiving ‘Pointium-II’ implants at the beginning of the year. ‘Intel Inside stacks up against the best of the others,’ she said.Industry experts agree that the Intel move will turn plenty of heads, but believe the market for the new Intel products will be soft through 3rd quarter as women wait for faster, second generation models that feature new ‘plug and play’ capabilities.Upon announcements of these results, Intel Corporation (NYSE symbol `INTL’) stock rose, but sagged mid-day on rumors of lumpy breasts in some subjects due to rounding errors and possible memory leaks in the new implants. By the end of the day, the stock perked up 2 points at closing when the rumors proved to be falsies.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There’s a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time. Patron: No, it’s still there. Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now. [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet. Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything. [waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

One of Microsoft’s tech support reps was drafted and sent to
boot camp. at the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a
rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The
report came from the target area that all attempts had
completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech rep looked at his rifle and then at the
target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the
target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel
and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his
finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target
area: “It’s leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your
end!”

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, “IS THERE A GOD?”

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.

One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer. “There is now”, read the printout.

“Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.” This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power Time = Money It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know,the more you make.