Category: computers

Many Universities colleges, and business’s tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. I.E. Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml.They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may cause when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a large database of company/college Acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. (Probably not funny to the individual involved.)Some examples follow:Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University):[email protected] Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University):[email protected] George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.):[email protected] Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania):[email protected] Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University):[email protected] Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating):[email protected] Amanda Sue Pickering (Perdue University):[email protected] Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University):[email protected] Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton, Canada):[email protected] Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys “R” Us):[email protected]

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don’t write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.

09. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That motivates us.

12. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don’t learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “My thingy blew up”.

15. Don’t use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days…

In 40 days, approx. 10 trillion of these messages will cross the internet.

From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will cross the internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.

From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of these messages will cross the internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day, 41.7 trillion messages per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second. Of course, the internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the internet) you would have to respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message.

If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain letters per day, bringing almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.

The logical conclusion? It is better to break the initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck.

I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a circumstance. He ended up having 287,345 heart attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also revoked. Nobody liked him anymore. He finally ended up committing suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful.

Finally, he resigned to the idea of not dying, and was immediately hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even more bad luck.

Q: What should the vanity license plate of the first new VW beetle sold in the year 2000 be?
A: “Y2K BUG”

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.” So, Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.They moused.They did spreadsheets.They wrote reports.They sent faxes.They sent e-mail.They sent out e-mail with attachments.They downloaded.They did some genealogy reports.They made cards.They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the under world. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!” Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.”Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?”God shrugged and said…….”JESUS SAVES”

From the Geek:

1. When IT say they’re coming right over, log out and go for
coffee. It’s no problem for us to remember 700 network passwords.

2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to
leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures,
stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s
art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch
a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3. When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at
once. We’re probably just testing out the public groups.

4. When an IT professional is eating lunch at his desk, walk
right in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond
immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to
think about fixing computers.

5. When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside
having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why
we drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users
who don’t have email or a telephone line.

6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it
up and flags it as a rush delivery.

7. When you call a helpdesk engineer’s direct line rather than
the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says he’s
on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24
hours before you send an email straight to the director because
no one ever returned your call. You’re entitled to common
courtesy.

8. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support.
There’s electronics in it, right?

9. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call the
helpdesk. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

10. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair
in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the
problem. We love a good mystery.

11. When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you
through changing a setting; read the paper. We don’t actually
mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

12. When we offer you training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don’t
bother. We’ll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

13. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20
times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for
no reason.

14. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the
job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to
work.

15. Don’t use online help. Online help is for wimps.

16. If you’re taking night classes in computer science, feel
free to go around and update the network drivers for yourself
and your co-workers. We’re grateful for the overtime when we
have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

17. When you have an IT bod fixing your computer at a quarter to
one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when
slightly dizzy .

18. Don’t ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

19. When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you’ve installed
any new software on this computer, lie. It’s nobody’s business
what you’ve got on your computer.

20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of
your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse
cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top
of them.

21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on
the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a
pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of
Coke under the keys.

22. When you get the message saying “Are you sure?” click on
that ‘Yes’ button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure,
you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing
about that computer crap”. It never bothers us to hear our area
of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the
helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex
task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only
by a professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear
physics.

25. When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your
secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of
having to deal with a third party who doesn’t know anything
about the problem.

26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as
a high-priority mail attachment. We’ve got plenty of disk space
and processor capacity on that mail server.

27. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into
smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to
squeeze into the queue.

28. When you bump into an IT bod in the supermarket on a
Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at
the supermarket on weekends.

29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come
in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer.
We’ll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0
makes your Access database flip out.

30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for
free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so
your son can get back to playing DOOM. We’ll get right on it
because we have so much free time at the office.

If Apple ran Christmas…It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious
leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest
was held to test their skills.

After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for
the last day’s event: Jesus and Mohammed.

The judge described the software application required for the final
test, and gave the signal to start writing code.

The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines,
classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible
speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on
their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be
finished.

Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a
moment it came back on – just in time for the clock to announce that the
last competition was over.

The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software.
Mohammed angrily said that he’d lost it all in the power outage. The
judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a
dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the
judge
was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique
characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

Jesus saves.

He also backup’ed to CD. That is, “Once saved, always saved!”

These are actual calls to Tech support help desks

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

——————————————————————————–
Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?” Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”
——————————————————————————–
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
——————————————————————————–
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
——————————————————————————–
Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”
——————————————————————————–
I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”
——————————————————————————–
Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”
——————————————————————————–
Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

——————————————————————————–
Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

——————————————————————————–
Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash-it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”

Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.

Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key

3. Buy a Pentium 2000 so you can reboot faster.

4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

5. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

6. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

8. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL

9. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN

10.

Support: Hello, what can I do for you?

Woman: Hello, I have a question.

Support: Well, ask me then.

Woman: I don’t know how to start the Computer.

Support: How about pressing the Power-Button?

Woman: The What-Button?

Support: Didn’t you ever before use the PC?

Woman: No, it’s not mine, it belongs to my son.

Support: Well, why don’t you ask him then?

Woman: Because I think I ruined the Computer, and now I wanna test if it
still works.

Support: Well, what did you do?

Woman: I cleaned it.

Support: How?

Woman: Emmm…I used water.

Support: Tell me exactly.

Woman: well, I used the garden hose.

Support: The gard…garden…hose?!?!

Woman: Emmm…yes…it looked so dirty.

Support: OK…and why do you think that you ruined it?

Woman: Well, it started to burn, where the power-cable comes out.

Support: You didn’t disconnect the power before cleaning the PC with
the…hose?

Woman: No, I forgot, but it didn’t burn for long, I had sand to throw over
it to stop the fire.

Support: Well, and now, what does it look like?

Woman: Hmmm…black…and it smells exciting.

Support: Well, I’m sorry, but nobody on the world could help you with
this…I’m sure you ruined it!

Woman: OK….thanks, nice you tried.

If DEC ran Christmas…We used to have Christmas back in the ’70s, didn’t we?