Category: computers

The Following is an actual e-mail I recieved the other day. I have removed the E-mail adresses for obvious reasons. I swear this is real

Subj: NICK DEWALL
Date: 12/12/2003 1:08:59 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: *****@*****.de
To: **********@***.com
Sent from the Internet (Details)

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Hi,

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1) A TALE OF TWO CDs

2) GATES OF WRATH

3) GONE WITH THE WINDOWS

4) WAR AND PC

5) MOBY DISK

Bill Gates gets a memo from God.

“I am sending you this message because you are the richest man in the
world. On the seventh hour of the seventh day of the seventh month in the
year 2000 the world will end. Make sure that you use this information
wisely.”

GOD

The next day Microsoft’s Marketing manager gets a memo from Bill.

“All people who purchase and install Microsoft Software will receive a
free state of the art computer on the 8 of July 2000, all software
included.”

BILL

Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer? A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to be an undertaker. Q: What do engineers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer? A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own. Q: Why did the engineers cross the road? A: Because they looked in the file and that’s what they did last year. Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane? A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

MICROSOFT TV DINNER PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

A woman, impatiently waiting for her husband to get off the computer asks
in a frenzy of madness.

“Why is a modem any better than a woman?!”
The man, sitting up, did not have to think at all.
“Well, dear, the answer is right under your nose.” He said, patting the
CPU. “You see, the modem doesn’t complain if I sit here and play games, A
modem doesn’t mind if I talk to other modems, a modem doesn’t have purse
it can hit you with when it gets mad. And the MOST IMPORTANT reason is
that a modem comes with an instruction manual.”

-Isis

THE Y1K CRISIS

Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.

An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called “Y1K Bug,” a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.

Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.

All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.

“We should have seen it coming ,” says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. “What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse — The Latin word for Thousand is Mile which is the same as the Latin for mile. We won’t know whether we are talking about time or distance!”

Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.

A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival.

Postulate 1: Knowledge is power.
Postulate 2: Time is money.

Starting with:

Work
———- = Power
Time

Since Knowlege = Power, and Time = Money, we have

Work
———— = Knowledge
Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Work
—————– = Money
Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity,
regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. “yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,”Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

In today�s world, Abbott and Lou Costello’s famous sketch Who’s on first? might have turned out something like this:COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den, and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO! : I’m going to click your blue w if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer, and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there’s three words in office for windows!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn’t even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
 
A FEW DAYS LATER . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on START……….

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says, “I’ve seen some great pictures of Devine Brown lately, sure would like to get together with her!”

Hugh replies, “Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she’s charging a small fortune.”

Bill replies with a chuckle, “Hugh, money’s no object to me. What’s her number?”

So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet and after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling, “God… now I know why you chose the name Devine.”

To which she replies, “Thank you Bill…..and now I know how you chose the name Microsoft!”

Submitted by tbone
Edited by Calamjo

‘Newbie computer user questions’1. Compaq is considering changing the command ‘Press Any Key’ to ‘Press Return Key’ because of the many calls asking where the ‘Any’ key is.2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with xeroxed copies of the floppies.5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the ‘send’ key.7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. ‘Yea, I got me a couple of friends,’ the customer replied. When told ‘Egghead’ was a software store, the man said, ‘Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.’8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was ‘bad and an invalid’. The tech explained that the computer’s ‘bad command’ and ‘invalid’ responses shouldn’t be taken personally.10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, ‘I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.’ The ‘foot pedal’ turned out to be the computer’s mouse.11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked ‘What power switch?’12. True story from Novell NetWire SysOp:Caller: ‘Hello, is this Tech Support?’Tech: ‘Yes, it is. How may I help you?’Caller: ‘The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?’Tech: ‘I’m sorry, but did you say a ‘cup holder’?Caller: ‘Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.’Tech: ‘Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?’Caller: ‘It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.’At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!!Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into ‘Drive A’ but he couldn’t possibly get more than two in.