Category: computers

Two programmers were walking along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, “Too bad that girls have no standard interface.”

“They have,” replied the other programmer, “but there is no standard way to get to it.”

NEW PRODUCT: MICROSOFT CONTRACEPTIVESMicrosoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.OPERATIONOnly one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scalable to meet most requirements.After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, ‘It is now safe to turn off your partner.’DRAWBACKSUsability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time it is used.CONCLUSIONContraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Back out and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98’s potential. He recently said, ‘Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we’ve been doing to our customers for years.’

Follow all of these instructions carefully for error-free floppies!!

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.

Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk.

Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap.

When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. “Big” diskettes may be folded and used in “little” disk drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine.

If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive.

Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing.

Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.

Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a “hung” or “hooked” state. If your system is “hooking” you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage.

Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand.

Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document.

Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

IBM: I Believe in Memorex

A man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his tub. The tub had been filled with milk, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

IBM: I’ll Buy Macintosh

“Brussels police department, how may I assist you?”

“Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.”

“Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?”

“No”

“Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your
name?”

“Bill Gates”

“Country?”

“The USA”

“Native language?”

“English”

“Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use
this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face
with a pie?”

“Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person
distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.”

“We’ve had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a
custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?”

“Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don’t see any custard, so
I really don’t think it was a custard pie.”

“Have you visited the Prime Minister before?”

“Yes”

“Were you hit in the face with a pie then?”

“No”

“Hmm… have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?”

“Yes”

“Any pies then?”

“No”

“Okay, well.. let’s try something. Go outside the building and come in
again. I’ll wait.”

“Just a minute..” “Okay, I’m back.”

“Did you get hit by another pie?”

“Of course not”

“Well sir, I don’t know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks
like things are working fine now. I’ll make a note of the problem though.
If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and
call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. “

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign read “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

You get a tatoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.” You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

Windows 95 Beer — You can’t buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it’s wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you’d least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human…to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn’t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.

9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.

7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘General Car Fault’ warning light.

6. Sun Motor Systems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.

5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT — but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.

3. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.

2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.

1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years!