Category: computers

– You’d live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.

– You’d only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

– The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

– 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com

– The local post office would tell your mother you’re not a known resident.

– The local post office won’t forward your mail to you when you move.

– The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those brutal toe stubs.

– If you saw a crime and called 911, they’d reply a week later with a form letter saying how you “really are important you are to us”.

– The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his slack-ass company somewhere else.

– Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

– Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while little kids called your cell phone saying “Wanna FUCK?”

– Those that didn’t do that would call you and say ” Hi, I’m j0e hax0r from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict you and your family.”

– Every time you went shopping, you’d be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming ‘WE’RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE”

– Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh behind your back.

– even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the town security expert.

– You’d occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it’s really the Earth’s fucking fault.

– The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to “McHax0r Wuz H3r3” and “Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz” almost daily. Police don’t investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove the sign altogether.

– Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you’d foot the bill.

– You’d send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they’d wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.

– You’d not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone’s mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.

– The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.

– Don’t forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies can not get out “for safety reasons”, and then hordes of perverts are allowed in.

– The police would work for free out of some sort of “duty” to the city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

– Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout “HEY! YOU DO WANT A GODDA*N AOL VISA, DON’T YOU?” To which you say “no”. The voice then replies “OK, I’LL ASK YOU TOMORROW”.

– A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2 patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g

– Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.

– Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.

You can get a flight simulator game in excel. this is what you do:

1. Open Microsoft Excel (or again or it will not work).
2. Press “F5” on you keyboard.
3. Type X97:L97.
4. Press ok.
5. Press “Tab” on you keyboard.
6. Then press the “make graph option” in excel.
7. Play the game.
8. Press esc to quit.

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same body size.9. We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.8. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker–a first.7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single “General Car Fault” warning light.6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable, five times as fast, but ran on only 5% of the roads.5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT – but then you would have to buy more seats.3. Occasionally your car would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.2. Every time the lines on the road were repainted, you’d have to buy a new car.1. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean….
And RAM was the cousin of a goat…..

MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2″ floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu

I guess i’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:

“NERDS NOT ALLOWED — ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK” He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy,
asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a
truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The
bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed
in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long. The
bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy
away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon
Valley, and are in season now. You don’t even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over
the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up
the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing
the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can’t let them steal his whole
load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and
starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought
nerds were in season.”

“Well, sure,” said the patrolman, “But you can’t bait ’em.”

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch?

A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A: Stop shaking it.

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than 🙂

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

Computer Illiterate Support Call ‘Hello, Support Desk, may I help you?”Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”What sort of trouble?”Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”Went away?”They disappeared.”Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”Nothing.”Nothing?”It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”How do I tell?'[Uh-oh. Well, let’s give it a try anyway.] ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”What’s a sea-prompt?'[Uh-huh, thought so. Let’s try a different tack.] ‘Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.'[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he’s kicked out his/her monitor’s power plug.] ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator?”What’s a monitor?'[SIGH] ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”I don’t know.”Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?'[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] ‘Yes, I think so.”Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.'[pause] ‘Yes, it is.'[Hmm. Well, that’s interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don’t want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don’t know what kind of monitor s/he has and it’s bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]’When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”No.”Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'[muffled] ‘Okay, here it is.”Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.'[still muffled] ‘I can’t reach.”Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?'[clear again] ‘No.”Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle–it’s because it’s dark.”Dark?”Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”Well, turn on the office light then.”I can’t.”No? Why not?”Because there’s a power outage.”A power–!?!’ …[AAAAAAARGH!]’A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”Really? Is it that bad?”Yes, I’m afraid it is.”Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!’ [slam]

DOOM EXCUSES What to tell your boss when: A) You are suspected of playing DOOM:1) “Oh, that must have been my screensaver you saw!”2) “Those files are my Database program. DOOM stands for Database Online Operational Management. Yeah, your right, ‘WAD’ is a pretty strange extension, isn’t it?”3) “Yeah, I’ve heard some strange noises around here too. Rodents in the HVAC ducts, maybe?” B) You are overheard playing DOOM:1) “Growling? Oh, that was probably my stomach you heard; I worked straight through lunch today.”2) “Chainsaw? No, I don’t have a chainsaw in here. Mrs. Smith said something about pruning the plants at the reception desk this morning, though; you might ask her.”3) “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was talking that loud. It was my wife on the phone, we’re not getting along lately. Thorny Brown Bastard? Ha! It’s a long story, she hates it when I call her that.” C) You are caught red-handed playing DOOM:1) “You know, this is a great screensaver but the damn thing keeps locking up or something and I can’t get it to go off.”2) “It’s the latest in CAD!”3) “It’s an assertiveness training program.”4) “It’s supposed to be ‘Barney’s Jungle Adventure’ – I just picked it up for the kid, you know; but it looks pretty warped to me.”5) “I don’t know what the hell it is, it said Lotus on the disk. Maybe we got some bad interference on the Net or something.”6) “I hate to say this, but I’m pretty sure it’s the ‘KillingGlee’ VGA virus. Don’t know how I could have picked it up. Only way to get rid of it is to play it out.”

how is michal jackson and santa claus the same little boys sit on their lap.
how are they different santa claus has pants on.

How can u tell if a blond’s been on your computer? There’s Tipex
on the screen! How can u tell if she’s come back after? There’s
writing over the tipex.

IBM: Itty Bitty Machines