Category: computers

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people”
— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.”
— Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

“The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.”
— Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”
— Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
— Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

“When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.”
— Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

“It’s like deja vu all over again.”
— Yogi Berra

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese”
— Former French President Charles De Gaulle

“The loss of life will be irreplaceable.”
— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.”
— A congressional candidate in Texas

“It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.”
— Richard M. Nixon

“The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.”
— Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.”
— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.”
— Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

“A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.”
— Everett Dirksen

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
— Samuel Goldwyn

“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. “
— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.”
— John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
— Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”
— General William Westmoreland

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line “a mind is a terrible thing to waste”

“If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.”
— Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
— Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when….1. You wake up at 4 O’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.5. You start using smileys 🙂 in your snail mail.6. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com7. You can’t correspond with your mother because she doesn’t have a computer.8. When your email box shows “no new messages” and you feel really depressed.9. You don’t know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.10. You move into a new house and you decide to “Netscape” before you landscape.11. Your family always knows where you are.12. In real life conversations, you don’t laugh, you just say “LOL, LOL”.13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate: “I want a
companion who is small and cute, loves the water sports and enjoys group
activities.” Back came the answer: “Marry a penguin.”

Windows – What you must shut when the temperature hits 10 below

two businessmen are standing on the tee at an exclusive golf
club.

suddenly the first guy starts holding his ear and listening
intently…noticing the look of confusion on his partners face,
he explains that he has had his mobile phone receiver implanted
into his ear so that he can pick up urgent messages from the
office at any time day or night.

at the second hole he starts to talk loudly to nobody in
particular…once again he explains that using the latest
state-of-the-art technology he has had one of his teeth
microchipped allowing him to speak to clients without the
inconvenience of holding a phone to his ear.

suddenly on the third hole he screws up his face,clutches his
stomach, darts behind a bush , drops his trousers, and squats.

his partner cannot believe what he is seeing, and shouts “What
the hell are you doing?”

to which he replies

” be with you in a minute….urgent fax!!!”

Mouse pad – Where Mickey and Minnie live.

When the Software industry had badly gone down, three software
giants Sun Micro, SCO (UNIX), and Microsoft started producing
condoms and named them Java-condo, CondomiX, and MS-Condome
respectively. A customer using Java-condo complained to Sun that
the condom doesn’t fit correctly. Sun replied, “Wait till we get
the ISO standard.” They boasted that it would fit to any size
irrespective of underlying structure.

Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the
time he finishes reading the instructions, given along with
CondomiX, his wife sleeping and he forgetting why he is using
CondomiX.

Finally he switched to MS-Condome. To his surprise it was so
good…and comfortable! He used it happily. Six months later he
found that his wife was pregnant. He got angry and complained to
Microsoft. He got his reply from Microsoft:

A patch is coming soon!

A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a
password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary
to setup the password for him.

The secretary asks the man for the password. The man, attempting
to embrass the secretary in order to show superiority, said,
“Penis.”

Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed
it again. Then she hit enter.

The whole office heard the secretary bursting out of laughters
as a reaction from the computer’s screen:

“Password rejected. Reason: Too short”

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support waiter.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.
Patron: No, it’s still there.
Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem.
How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I’m running late now!

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.
Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

You know you are addicted to the Internet when…

You kiss your girlfriend’s home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as “Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.

You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

You get a tatoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.”

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being
sized up by St. Peter.

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by
putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created
that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before
in your case. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it
will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?” asked Bill.

“I’ll leave that up to you.” replied St. Peter.

“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the
water,laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining, the temperature
perfect. He was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see
heaven!”

“Fine,” said St. Peter. And off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing
harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmm. I think
I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.

“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see
how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and
tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice full of anguish and disappointment, “This
is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t
believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the
beautiful beaches, and the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???”

“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.

Abusive Labs presented today the last word in PC peripherals!

The SmellBlaster 64!

Have you ever asked yourself about how the dead decomposing bodies from
Duke3D smelled? Or the cheap perfume of the provocative girls in the
Leisure Suit Larry’s game series? Or even the powder smell from the DOOM’s
BFG2000 enemy vaporizer?

Now we have the SMELLBLASTER!

Tech Data:

64 simultaenous smells

DirectSmell compatible (DirectX smell extensions)

Environmental Smell (you can’t guess where the stinking shit comes from)

Dolby SmellAround (And the smell comes from everywhere, anywhere).

Smell Accelerator Processor 3DPowerSmellFw at 200Mhz.

2 Mb Smelltable expansible to 20 Mb using Abusive Labs

RSS (Really Stinking Smell) Technology.

Requires AGP 2x and Plug & Smell BIOS

You can even plug 2 boards in interleave mode! (twice the smell in half
the time!)