Category: computers

A woman was shopping in a computer discount store. She was looking for a bargain in a sub-300 MHZ model. A salesman walked over and she asked why the obsolete models were all so expensive. He replied, ”Well, all of those models are very scarce Miss, you’re lucky we even have any in stock.” ”Scarce?” she said, her voice rising. ”Why just today the paper says all of the manufacturers have an overstock.” ”Exactly right.” the salesman smiled. ”There’s such a big supply and so little demand, it doesn’t pay to ship them.”

Historical Interpetation on how the computer and the Internet
began.

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a
stone pulpit and said, “And lo, it came to pass that the trader
by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by
the name of Dot.”

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of
leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel
far, from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade
without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle
bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How,Dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums
in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and
they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the
sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony
Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way
with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. A

Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without
ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum,
and was accused of insider trading.

And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the
greedy horse fly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and
the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real
riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of
Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.

And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if
you bought Brother Gates’ drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being
taken over by others.”

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came
to be known eBay,” he said, “we need a name that reflects what
we are,” and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner
Operators.” “Whoopee!”, said Abraham. “No, YAHOO!” said Dot Com.
. . and that is how it all began.

Do this example – its funny

Does Bill Gates have a problem we don’t know about?

1. Open a new document in MS-Word
2. Type “Unable to follow directions” (without the quotes)
3. Higlight the entire sentence you just typed
4. Click Tools; Language; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus)

:Silicon Valley Mottos: – – – – – – – – – – – -W I N N E RWhere quality is Job One-Point-One Maurice HerlihyH O N O R A B L E __M E N T I O N S”It Compiles. Ship It” Doug SheppardArtificial intelligence-when you just can’t get the real thing Nancy OttSleep is for the weak Robert ZazuetaI came, I saw, IPO Andy HalushkaGo Public or Perish John R. WodziakIf at first you don’t succeed, go for a second round Rex HillWhere the world comes to pay more for housing Dana SpradleyGive me your contract-hired, your poor-before, your not-so-subtle badasses Kimberly GreenSpinning sand into gold Sue ClarkLies, damned lies, and market caps Alex StrasheimSilicon Valley: commute, compute, commute David KenneyCome for the overtaxing work environment, stay for the unaffordable housing prices Richard KairisSilicon Valley: It happened here first, yesterday Kyri SparksThank you for holding. Our next available technical support representative will be with you shortly Kurt GrayGod bless the early adopters Eli NeiburgerGo public or get out of the way Jack LizmiUpgrade or perish Allan Ross KreuiterWe don’t just make your computer, we make your computer obsolete! Steve RocheSilicon Valley Population:110010101000101010010101000001110010101010101011 Karin Newton

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, “You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickuptruck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!”

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”

Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don’t have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you’re probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

One day Bill Gates left work, started driving off, and
remembered he’d left his suit-jacket in the office. He stopped
the car, locked the door, and ran back to the office to get the
jacket.

When Bill returned to his car, he realized that he’d locked the
keys inside the car, with the lights were on and the engine was
still running. He ran back to the office frantic for help.

He found a security guard – and DEMANDED immediate assistance.
After less than 5 seconds, the guard popped the door open, which
impressed and amazed the programmer to no end.

Bill asked, “Sir, I demand that I keep THAT paperclip NOW!” The
guard replies kind of perplexed, “Sure, it’s just a paper clip.”

With a great big satisfied smile, Bill replied, “Great, I’ll
keep it in the glove compartment in case I ever do THAT again!”

Are you a flamer? This handy dandy form will save you some time in writing
your flame to that special someone.

Begin flame:

Dear:
[ ] Clueless Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] Retard
[ ] Me too’er [ ] Pervert [ ] Loser
[ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Elvis
[ ] Fed [ ] Freak [ ] Flamebait
[ ] Other (please specify): _______________

You Are Being Flamed Because:
[ ] You sent me a stupid chain letter
[ ] You posted a message concerning a pyramid scheme
[ ] You posted a “test” in a news group other than alt.test
[ ] You posted something asking for warez sites
[ ] You quoted an ENTIRE post in your reply
[ ] You continued a long, stupid thread
[ ] You posted something completely off-topic
[ ] You started an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a “YOU ALL SUCK” message
[ ] You said “me too” to something
[ ] You don’t know which group to post in
[ ] You suck
[ ] You brag about things that never happened
[ ] Your sig/alias/server sucks
[ ] You made up slang then used it in a message
[ ] You posted a phone-sex ad
[ ] I don’t like your tone of voice
[ ] I think you might be a fed

To Repent, You Must:
[ ] Shout “GO RIDE” a thousand times in a packed bus terminal
[ ] “Upgrade” to Windows 95
[ ] Give up your E-mail account
[ ] Bust up your modem with a hammer and eat it
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Actually post something relevant
[ ] Read the FAQ
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Post your tests to alt.test
[ ] Removing yourself from the net (you are hopeless)
[ ] Removing yourself from existence (you are really hopeless)

In Closing, I’d Like to Say:
[ ] Blow me
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Never post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] Go to hell
[ ] Yer momma’s so fat/stupid/ugly that etc….
[ ] Take your crap somewhere else
[ ] Learn to post or get off
[ ] Do us all a favor and jump into some industrial equipment
[ ] See how far your tongue will fit into the electric outlet
[ ] All of the above

End flame.

As most of you know, the new Tech Museum (www.thetech.org) just opened in San Jose and it’s a pretty cool place, but if they REALLY wanted to capture life in Silicon Valley, they should have included some of the following:

1. The Unreasonable Expectation Work Week Simulator: Ever wonder what it’s like to work 80 hours a week? You can now experience blurry vision, diminished reaction time, the health effects of eating nothing but Doritos, and the heart-racing excitement of Jolt Cola addiction with the Unreasonable Expectation Work Week Simulator! Hey, who are those strangers claiming to be your family? They’re just part of the mysteries you’ll experience at the Tech Museum!

2. The “Find Help At Fry’s” Cyber-Challenge: Don your Virtual Reality goggles and take a tour in the Valley’s favorite electronics chain! Your challenge: find someone who can help you. It’s not as easy as it sounds, though. If you do find someone, you still have to somehow get them to make eye contact! And once you get help, the challenge isn’t over! You still have to avoid the “Let me get my manager” monster, endure the perpetual “Humans as Cattle” cash register corral, and make it past the paranoid door Nazi without getting a body cavity search! Youch!

3. The Valley Fair Mall Parking Space Scavenger Hunt: Your mission: get in our car simulator and find parking at the Valley’s most congested mall! Extra points for finding a space within a one-mile radius of the mall itself. Next year we hope to make this scavenger hunt even more challenging when we violate the laws of conservation of mass with the addition of the Town and Country Monument to Bad City Management!

4. “Sell or Die”!: Kids will learn valuable lessons playing this interactive game designing and marketing superior, technically-advanced products that fill a niche and meet a need. But wait! The fun is just starting! It’s time to play “Sell or Die”! Kids get to choose whether they will let themselves be bought out by the “innovative” Microsoft, or whether they will resist the urge and have their products undersold by Microsoft’s inferior competing products! The fun is in seeing how long you can last in the face of unfair marketing practices. The last player to go bankrupt paying their legal bills wins! Extra points for kids who survive long enough to testify in front of the Justice Department!

5. Mr. Jobs’ Wild Ride: Get in your Apple Stock Rocket and experience the wildest roller coaster ride of your life! Just when you think the Rocket is about to hit a wall, swerve wildly and unexpectedly to one side and avoid certain death (for now)! And the best part is, your fate is completely in the hands of one all-powerful and unpredictable hippy-turned-power-player-turned-exile-turned-interim-CEO-for-life! And look out! The Larry Ellison Hot Wind Machine will try to blow you off course! You’ll lose your lunch on abrupt policy changes, and scream your lungs out as you freefall on the final Mac Clone Maker Betrayal Drop of Death! Riders can then regain their composure looking at the:

6. San Jose Mercury News Wall of Premature Apple Obituaries: Get up close and personal with Valley history by reading over 15 years of stories lamenting the imminent death of everyone’s favorite fruit company! With all that circling, don’t buzzards ever get dizzy?

7. The Silicon Valley Virtual Commute Race Course: You have two hours to go 15 miles! Think you can do it? Well, buckle yourself into our simulator and give it a try! The Tech Museum offers several race courses to choose from: Try the “880 Endurance Course”! Hey! You finally made it past the Winchester Mystery Puddle at The Alameda on-ramp, and you’re finally up to 25 mph! You’ll make Brokaw Road in no time. But look out! 101 merges into 880 AND the freeway goes down to two lanes AT THE SAME TIME! Who designed this nutty course? Or try the “17 Face Off of Doom”! You’re behind one truck in the right lane going 21 mph. The truck in the left lane is going 20.5 mph! Calculate how many hours it will be before you can pass both trucks! Or try the 680 “Trail of Tears”! You’ve got to make it from Pleasanton to Fremont with only one full tank of gas! Sound easy? Don’t forget the inept Caltrans contractors who block off lanes for no reason at all!

(Jokeindex.com note: Hey, I know it’s not a joke, but _we_ think these things are hilarious.) Subject: Virus WarningWARNING Message from IBMIf you receive an e-mail titled ‘JOIN THE CREW/for PENPALS’, DO NOT OPEN IT!It will erase EVERYTHING on your hard drive. Send this letter out to as many people as you can. This is a new virus and not many people know about it. This information was received by IBM. Please share it with anyone that might access the internet. PENPAL appears to be a friendly letter asking you if you are interested in a penpal, but by the time you read this letter it is TOO late. The Trojan horse virus will have already infeacted the boot sector of your hard drive, destroying all the data present. It is a self-replicating virus, and once the message is read it will AUTOMATICALLY forward itself to anyone who’s e-mail address is present in your box! This virus will destroy your hard drive and hold the potential to DESTROY the hard drive of anyone whose mail is in your box and whose mail is in their box and so on…..So DELETE any message titled PENPAL or JOIN THE CREW.This virus can do major DAMAGE to worldwide networks PLEASE PASS THIS ALONG TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND PEOPLE IN YOUR MAILBOXES. AOL HAS SAID THIS IS A VERY DANGEROUS VIRUS, AND THERE IS NO REMEDY FOR THIS.

IBM: Incompatible Business Machines

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day;Teach him to use the Internet, and he won’t bother you for weeks!