Category: computers

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.

The supreme deity turned to Al and said, “Tell me what is important about yourself.”

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, “I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand.”

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, “I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand.”

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly, and asked, “What is your problem Bill Gates?”

Bill responded, “I think you are sitting in my chair.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

TOP TEN REASONS WHY COREL LOST $32 MILLION’Analysts say the discrepancy resulted from a lack of sales through resellers to end users’–that’s the official reason Corel lost $32 million in the third quarter. Sounds like a cover-up to us. Herewith, the *real* reasons for the revenue shortfall:10. Hot air for the Corel blimp9. Still waiting for Sun and Netscape to come through on the Office for Java deal8. Fuel cost write-off for Dr. Cowpland’s Lamborghini7. New Canadian hockey tax really takes a bite6. Photo CD ‘The Statuary of Flint, Michigan’ never generated anticipated revenue5. Started their Macintosh product division too late4. Shipping costs of massive Corel Office Suite much higher than expected3. Corel C++ for Java for Windows2. CFO did the financial statement in CorelDraw…1. …and designed the annual report in Quattro Pro

486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art – Any computer you can’t afford.

Obsolete – Any computer you own.

Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to
become obsolete.

G3 – Apple’s new Macs that make you say “Gee, three times faster than the
computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.”

Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying, “Hi, I want to
buy a computer and money is no object.”

Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after
a Syntax Error.

GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
(pronounced “gooey”)

Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to
generate.

Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at
home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”

This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Airline virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Microsoft recently announced that the upcoming release 5.0 of Windows NT will be renamed ”Windows 2000,” which will presumably be abbreviated Win2K in the press. That got me to thinking about a comparison between Win2K and Y2K…Win2K – Represents large problem for computers, looming in the near future.Y2K — Ditto.Win2K – Projected to ship in mid 1999.Y2K — Projected to start causing problems in mid 1999.Win2K – Real effects won’t be known until sometime in the year 2000.Y2K — Ditto.Win2K – Will cost corporations millions in support, upgrades, and time.Y2K — Ditto.Win2K – Will result in a need to upgrade most hardware.Y2K — Ditto.Win2K – Entire industry waiting for the product to slip…uh, ship.Y2K — Entire world waiting for solutions to ship.Win2K – Many characterize it as being an evil plot created by programmers.Y2K — ditto.Win2K – Probably could have been avoided if UNIX had a better U/I.Y2K — Probably could have been avoided through foresight and planning.Win2K – Likely to cause more bugs than it cures.Y2K — Ditto.

Shift to the left, shift to the right!Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft’s new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

1) GPF key — This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

2) $$ key — When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

3) ZD key — This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.

4) MS key — This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled “Computing for Mindless Drones” in a 1″ x 1″ window.

5) FUD key — Some thing to do with the display … self explanatory.

6) Chicago key — Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

7) IBM key — Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).

8) MSN Key — With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world’s second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!

9) RW95 Key — Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it’s usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?

10) FDISK Key — Microsoft’s new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.

A woman was shopping in a computer discount store. She was looking for a bargain in a sub-300 MHZ model. A salesman walked over and she asked why the obsolete models were all so expensive. He replied, ”Well, all of those models are very scarce Miss, you’re lucky we even have any in stock.” ”Scarce?” she said, her voice rising. ”Why just today the paper says all of the manufacturers have an overstock.” ”Exactly right.” the salesman smiled. ”There’s such a big supply and so little demand, it doesn’t pay to ship them.”

In MS Word type “I have to take a dump” (sans quotes) and go to the
thesarus (shift-F7).

Why didn’t the mouse cross the road?

It’s cord wasn’t long enough!