Category: computers

When do you know that it is bedtime in Neverland?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

Happily Addicted to the Web
(Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy–although
My boss let me go–
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter, “No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!”

I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it’s the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just “lock-up” for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots’a pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, “Good-Bye.”

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

-Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

-Has won the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes three years
running.

-When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.

-Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

-Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.

-Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeeez!” 295 times during the movie “The
Net.”

-Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

-Their video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among
turn-ons.

-Instead of the “Welcome” voice on AOL, you overhear, “Good
Morning, Mr./Mrs. President.”

-You hear them murmur, “Let’s see you use that VISA card now,
Professor “I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

why is an alter boy`s always parted?

its alright my son its alright.

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the “Tricky Dick Virus”, you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an air plane.

The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.

The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it’s a real easy game. He explains,”I ask a question and if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don’t know the answer I’ll pay you $5.”

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “O.K., if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don’t know the answer I pay you $50! “
Now, that got the Engineer’s attention, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

Then Engineer doesn’t say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer’s turn. He asks the Programmer,”What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?”

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50.

The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, “Well what’s the answer to the question?”

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep

P. Harris Problem Probable Cause Remedy———————————————————————Does not work Power plug in hand Place plug in socket and turn socket onNot turned on Turned off Turn on.Still does not work Bought it from Tandy Take it back and get a real stereo.Lights up but no No speakers Buy some speakers.soundStill no sound Volume set to zero Set volume to ten.Too much sound Volume set to ten Set volume to three.Raucous hiss Radio turned on and Turn radio off, place no aerial record on deck, place stylus on record.Sounds too slow HMV 78 written on record Discard record, replace with `Hells Bells’ by ACDC set volume to ten, place stylus on record.Can’t hear anything Gone deaf turn stereo off and or learn to say `eh?’Don’t understand Stupidity Turn stereo off, buywhat all the lights gramophone and retrieveare for HMV 78.Record a little Record is a CD If it cost over 10small and hole too pound send it to mebig for spindle else check for CD player on stereo if there is one, insert into CD player and set volume to ten.No CD player Not buying a CD player Buy a CD player or stop buying CDs.Too noisy CD playing and volume Set volume to three. set to tenCDs don’t fit in Haven’t got a car CD Buy car CD player,car stereo player place CD in player and set volume to ten.Car speakers broken Volume of car CD player Take CD player back to set too high shop – it would have been stolen anyway!CDs don’t fit in car Car stereo only plays Tape CDs.stereo tapesDon’t understand the a) Stupid Turn stereo off, buyautomatic sequencing gramophone andcompact disk, magnetic retrieve HMV 78.media instant audiotransposition mega b) Normal Nor does anyone elsewacko editing just do it by handcommands like you used to.Reel to reel tapes You’re still wearing Remove flares anddon’t fit in tape purple flares reel to reel tape.deck Attatch sign saying `Outdated Hippy’ to forehead, place Tchaikovsky’s 1812 overture in CD player skip first 6 minutes place head between speakers and set volume to ten.Profound deafness Placing head between None.with persistent speakers with volume settinilus to ten whilst listening cannon detonations.Other ProblemsDoes not show Not a television Buy sex pistols albumCoronation Street place on deck, place stylus on record and set volume to ten.Neighbour beats head Constant annoyance with Go to hospital andin with a brick loud music learn to eat through a straw.Stereo not where Stereo has been stolen Call Police and oryou left it or repossesed by bailiffs pay Poll tax demand.Records, tapes and Stereo is a microwave Place egg in microwaveCDs melt during play, rip glass and metalonly a buzz comes grille from door lookfrom stereo inside and turn on.Egg on face Stupidity None.Stereo not good Stereo not girlfriend Unplug girlfriendin bed from mains and take tape from her lips. Plug in Stereo and turn on girlfriend.Pressing space bar Bought typewriter Slam head in fridgecauses a little door.click, but doesnot play recentlypurchased PaulSimon albumLight in fridge Door not shutting Slam Harder!does not go out completely

Abbreviation #1: whrthfckuben? Previously long phrase: “Goodness, it’s been a long time since we’ve chatted, hasn’t it?” Abbreviation #2: utypliksht Previously long phrase: “Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Wood’s speed-typing course?” Abbreviation #3: ugoturhdupyrass? Previously long phrase: “Are you sure about that?” Abbreviation #4: sowenugtoutofjail? Previously long phrase: “So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?” Abbreviation #5: tkurabbrevsandshuvem Previously long phrase: “Wouldn’t you rather just type the whole phrase out?”—Editor’s Note: Sound ’em out…

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.

The supreme deity turned to Al and said, “Tell me what is important about yourself.”

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, “I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand.”

God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, “I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand.”

God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly, and asked, “What is your problem Bill Gates?”

Bill responded, “I think you are sitting in my chair.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo