Category: computers

Quotes about computers and software and other things ‘Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things, because that would also stop them from doing clever things.’ –Doug Gwyn’True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches. Once you’ve turned the light on everyone can see…’ — unknown’An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot’ — Rich Julius ‘The C Programming Language – A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.’ ‘Pascal – A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.’PROGRAM – n. – A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one’s input into error messages. v. tr.- To engage in a pastime similar to banging one’s head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.’Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.’ — Donald Knuth’Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.’ — Rich Cook ‘C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.’ — Bjarne Stroustrup’I’ve never met a human being who would want to read 17,000 pages of documentation, and if there was, I’d kill him to get him out of the gene pool.’ — Joseph Costello, President of Cadence ‘The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable pi can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change.’ — FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers ‘The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.’ — E. W. Dijkstra’It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that [sic] have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.’ — Dijkstra’A system admin’s life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing new versions of their own innards!’ — Michael O’Brien

A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train which leaves at 6:00 PM but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying 2 suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time.The guy replies “Sure, which country?”The fella asks “How many countries have you got?”, to which the reply is “All the countries in the world!””Wow! That’s a pretty cool watch you’ve got there.””That’s nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!””Boy, that’s incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one . . . You wouldn’t consider selling it by any chance?””Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it’s yours.”The watchless traveller can hardly whip out his check book fast enough, and hands over a check for $900.The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him.”Congratulations, here is you new hi-tech watch” and then, handing the 2 suitcases over as well he says, “and here are the batteries.”

…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work
area.

…my assistant began responding to my memos with, “Yeah,
whatever.”

…I got a “It’s for you loser” wav receiving e-mail, & not
a chime.

…my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest
record.

…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived
at work.

…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

…my secretary sez things like “Get the phone, my nails
aren’t dry.”

…three people began helping me write a “desk manual” for
my job.

…the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10
minutes.

…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file
cabinets.

…the receptionist began saying “Who ???” to anyone calling
on me.

Something

Something in the way it fails,
Defies the algorithm’s logic!

Something in the way it coredumps…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’ll fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,
A pointer’s got to be corrupted.
Stepping in the debugger will show me…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’m too close to leave it now

You’re asking me can this code go?
I don’t know, I don’t know…
What sequence causes it to blow?
I don’t know, I don’t know…

Something in the initializing code?
And all I have to do is think of it!

Something in the listing will show me…
I don’t want to leave it now
I’ll fix this tonight I vow!

Allegedly a letter to the Home Economist:SIR:Mr. Gates’ arguments may also be applied to the electricity utility business. If I were the head of Gates Gas & Electric, the first thing I would do is declare that we sell energy systems, not power, and that customers tell us that they want a familiar energy environment wherever they goThe first step would be to integrate a smart fridge into the overall energy system as it is the first appliance opened by most users and real-time monitoring of beer temperature increases satisfaction with the energy environment for 78% of all customersCustomers would be free to use other fridges, even making someone else’s their default appliance. However, if they try to remove the Gas & Electric fridge their television and air conditioner might not function properly. When a circuit fails in an older home we would repair it with a ‘service pack’ that also installs our fridge, eventually introducing all customers to our energy environmentWe would also encourage homebuilders to ‘bundle’ our innovative Laundry Suite into all new home sales. If builders made exaggerated claims that they could not refuse our Laundry Suite because they might lose their power connection, I would be required to enforce our industry standard non-disclosure agreementFor the first six months we would also give away the innovative Gas & Electric Power Mailbox as part of the Laundry Suite. It not only receives letters but also records all return addresses, birthdays and visiting habits of in-laws, scheduling thank-you notes and utility payments. Of course, the current version of Power Mailbox takes up half the pavement and all of the attic, disables the fax, takes 12 minutes to disgorge letters and occasionally freezes everything in the fridge; forcing one to turn off all the lights, throw away the frozen fruit and restart dinner. However, attic space will become much less expensive in the 21st century, we will soon introduce a new fruit-recovery utility and version 3.0 will open the mailbox in under two minutesOnce installed, homeowners are not authorized to remove it. Yet, as it is free we will have saved our customers money compared with manual mailboxes, making it all but impossible for the authorities to complain

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides; then they jump on and letthe plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jumpon again, and so on…

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look andact exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you aregently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easybaggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutesin the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”

Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I
am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade
show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
trademark on it?”

Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a
promotional. It just has “4X” on it.”

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t
stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive
as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public You’d be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut – you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flue!
I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. “Big” diskettes may be folded and used in “little” disk drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.

Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a “hung” or “hooked” state. If your system is “hooking” you will probably need to
insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.

Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)

Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all!”

“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn’t…”

“What about the PC?”

“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys.”

“Which three?”

“Control, Alt and Delete.”

IBM: It’s Better than Macintosh!

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM:1. Describe your problem: __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________2. Now, describe the problem accurately: __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________4. Problem severity: A. Minor B. Minor C. Minor D. Trivial5. Nature of the problem: A. ___Locked Up B. ___Frozen C. ___Hung D. ___Strange Smell6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __9. Have you made it worse? Yes __10. Have you had a friend who “knows all about computers ” try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__13. Are you sure you’ve read the manual? Maybe __ No__14. Are you absolutely certain you’ve read the manual? No__15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__16. If ‘Yes’ then explain why you can’t fix the problem yourself: __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred? __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________18. If you answered ‘nothing’ then explain why you were logged in: ___________________________________________________ __________________________________________________19. Are you sure that you aren’t imagining the problem? Yes__ No__20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What’s a VCR__21. Do you have a copy of ‘PCs for Dummies’? Yes__ No__22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __