Category: computers

MICROSOFT: ‘If G.M. had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got one-thousand miles to the gallon.’GENERAL MOTORS: ‘Perhaps, but if G.M. had developed technology the same way Microsoft has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. You would just accept this, repair the damage and drive on. 2. Every time the lines were repainted on the road, you would have to buy a new car. You would accept this too. 3. Occasionally, but most often during rush-hour or when you are running late, your car would just die on the freeway for no apparent reason. Again, you would just accept this, re-start, and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a normal maneuver, such as a left turn, will cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart. In such cases you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Tech support will be available 24×7 via in-car satellite link. Unfortunately after being on hold for 2 hours the tech will usually not be able to solve your problem and will recommend that you buy a new car tomorrow. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘general car default’ warning light. 7. Installing oil or antifreeze which do not carry the GM brand AND copyright AND trademark will be automatically detected, often causing the problems listed in items 1, 3, and 4 above and voiding the warranty. 8. The airbag system would say ‘Are you sure?’ before going off. 9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 10. G.M. would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a G.M. subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by fifty percent or more. 11. G.M. would become a regular target for investigation by the Justice Department.12. Every time G.M. introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as they did in their old car.13. To replace the oil filter, fuel filter or spark plugs, your mechanic will have to crawl under the hood, via the trunk.14. Before you can drive your car on the (information) super-highway, you’ll have to make special adjustments by sticking a very long probe up the tailpipe and executing procedures normally expected of heart surgeons doing arthroscopic surgeries.15. Accepting free trial offers for AOL gasoline or MSN gasoline will place two 100-lb bags of sand in your trunk, on top of the two 100-lb bags of MSN and AOL deadweight sand already there, which GM neglects to mention when you buy the car. It would require an expensive major tune-up to remove this dead weight should you decide to not use those brands of gasoline exclusively.16. From time to time GM will change the terminology used for familiar parts of the car and invent new words or new definitions for old words. Thus under GM-Newspeak(TM) your ‘defroster’ could become the: ‘Real-World Visual Basic Interface Re-Integrator(TM)’ 16a: New labels like ‘Real-World Visual Basic Interface Re-Integrator(TM)’ would carry a convenient anacronym like ‘ReWoViBIRI’ which you would have to learn to pronounce in order to sound hip. 16b: When you encounter these newly invented words in the GM documentation, you will be expected to already understand what they mean. 16c: New terms like ‘Real-World Visual Basic Interface Re-Integrator(TM)’ and ‘ReWoViBIRI’ will not appear in the ‘GM Glossary of Technical Terms,’ because GM refuses to publish a Glossary of Technical Terms. 16d: GM will be happy to sell you expensive classes to teach you the meaning of life, the universe and the definitions of the newly invented GM-Newspeak(TM) words and terms. 16e: These classes will not feel like the brain washing experienced in Socialist Re-education camps as reported by former POWs. Much. 16f: Every 2-6 years, concepts like ‘Real-World Visual Basic Interface Re-Integrator(TM)’ will be re-named again to something even more obscure and cryptic like: ‘Windscreen Renoberator(TM)’ 16g: As the cycling of changing names for technical concepts continues, sometimes the circle will close and this time the new term will be (SURPRISE!) ‘defroster’ 16h: In 2-6 years, the name for the concept formerly known as ‘defroster’ will again be renamed, this time to something even more obscure and obtuse… just to keep you alert and on your toes.17. You’d press the ‘start’ button to shut off the engine.

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.”

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Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your hard drive?”
Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet,and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?”

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Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”
Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

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Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: “I’d like a mouse mat, please.”
Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.”
Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”

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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

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Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?”

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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer: “Hi. Is this the Internet?”

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Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to “The Internet.”

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Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

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Tech Support: “All right…now double-click on the File Manager icon.”
Customer: “That’s why I hate this Windows — because of the icons — I’m a Protestant, and I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well, that’s just an industry term sir. I don’t believe it was meant to –“
Customer: “I don’t care about any ‘Industry Terms’. I don’t believe in icons.”
Tech Support: “Well…why don’t you click on the ‘little picture’ of a file cabinet…is ‘little picture’ ok?”
Customer: [click]

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Customer: “My computer crashed!”
Tech Support: “It crashed?”
Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.”
Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.”
Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?”
Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.”
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.'”
Customer: [pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

Bill Gates compares the computer industry with General Motors
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.

Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as in the old car.
You’d press the “start” button to shut off the engine.

1.Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence,you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2.You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3.You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.

4.You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5.You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6.When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7.You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8.You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

9.You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look upyour own social security number.

10.You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11.You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.

12.Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13.You back up your data every day.

14.Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

15.You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16.On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17.The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18.You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19.You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20.You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21.You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22.You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23.Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

24.You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25.While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26.You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27.You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28.You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29.You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track *pad*.

30.You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

VMS Beer — Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.

Sung to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy–although
My boss let me go–
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter, “No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!”

I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!

The opening credits of The Simpsons(tm) shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on the chalkboard. Here are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits.

I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I’m sick.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.
The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal “spud head”.
Goldfish don’t bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

HEADLINES

1. Heroic dog drags problem child back into burning building.
2. Solar eclipse � Public says affirmative action taken overboard.
3. Half bodied lady rolls to Zimbabwe for free water.
4. Dead fish threat in sushi shop.
5. Heroic police officer risks life and limb rearming bomb in Mugabe�s suit.
6. Food poisoning caused by raw sushi.
7. Solar eclipse canceled due to full schedule.
8. Gay cow rapes sheep� twice.
9. Cow turns out to be Australian in cow costume.
10. Retard knocked over by parked car.
11. New Zealand man re-united with sheep father.
12. Retard turned fugitive after failed suicide.
13. Happy- unhappy.
14. Baby carrot run over, Doctors fear he could be a vegetable.
15. AIDS aids elderly man, adds seven years to life.
16. Sleeping man died on the job.
17. Iraq! The bomb to be.
18. Miracle leper goes missing after hot water turns to soup.
19. Man loses only left foot.
20. Baby goes missing after mysterious red mark on jet engine.
21. Letter paper cuts tongue. Tongue amputated.
22. English professor proves that �wow� can be written backwards.
23. Cat dies. Owner claims �She still had four lives left�.
24. Cradle snatcher �Peter� questioned about missing files.
25. Rolling Stones, 20 die.
26. Bill Cosby sues Trigonometry institute about over use of his name. (Cos b).
27. Miss interpretation of Rolling Stones causes havoc in valley of death.
28. Mom gets heart attack after finding dandruff on girl�s school shoes.
29. Boy found naked, Rabi not far behind.
30. Porno billboard causes 1000 car pileup.
31. Circumcision turns to castration at initiation service Doctor says �It is crime stop.�
32. Well known star goes missing in the night.
33. Girl placed in mental institute after paranoia of grape smell.
34. Flag desecrated homeless kept warm, in prison.

10. “Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!”

9. “Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?”

8. “Put that thing away before you get us all killed.”

7. “You’ve got something jammed in here real good.”

6. “Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?”

5. “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”

4. “Sorry about the mess…”

3. “Look at the size of that thing!”

2. “Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!”

1. “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes.

“There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us,” he announced. “Since I’m the pilot, I get one!” After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

“I’m the world’s greatest athlete,” proclaimed Michael Jordon. “This world needs great athletes, so I must live.” Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

“I’m the smarest man in the world,” bragged Bill Gates. “The world needs smart men, so I must also live!” Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. “I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.”

“You don’t have to stay here! The world’s smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.”

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn- During foreplay, he’s always double-clicking your G-spot.- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, “Scroll down.”- C:DownloadsPorn C:DownloadsPornJuly C:DownloadsPornJuly

�WinErr: 001 Windows loaded – System in danger
�WinErr: 002 No Error – Yet
�WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error – Your mistake is now in every file
�WinErr: 004 Erronious error – Nothing is wrong
�WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted – System confused
�WinErr: 006 Malicious error – Desqview found on drive
�WinErr: 007 System price error – Inadeqaute money spent on hardware
�WinErr: 008 Broken window – Watch out for glass fragments
�WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered – God knows what has happened
�WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow – Mailbox full
�WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space – Free at least 50MB
�WinErr: 00C Memory hog error – More Ram needed. More! More! More!
�WinErr: 00D Window closed – Do not look outside
�WinErr: 00E Window open – Do not look inside
�WinErr: 00F Unexplained error – Please tell us how this happened
�WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
�WinErr: 013 Unexpected error – Huh?
�WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked – Try anything you can think of.
�WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error – System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
�WinErr: 019 User error – Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
�WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten – Please reinstall all your
software. We are terribly sorry.
�WinErr: 01B Illegal error – You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that
�WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error – Uncertainty may be inadeqaute.
�WinErr: 01D System crash – We are unable to figure out our own code.
�WinErr: 01E Timing error – Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
�WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
�WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes – Remaining errors will be lost.
�WinErr: 042 Virus error – A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automaticly be closed and the virus will be activated again.
�WinErr: 079 Mouse not found – A mouse driver has not been installed.
Please click the left mouse button to continue.
�WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow – Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
�WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
�WinErr: 683 Time out error – Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure
�WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory – Only 50,312,583 Bytes available