Category: computers

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black
leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am tanned and very
buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What
do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a
pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I’m also
wearing an old T-shirt, it’s got some barbecue sauce stains on
it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music
playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up
into your eyes and I’m smiling. My hand works its way down to
your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping. I’m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now, I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are
trembling.

Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and I’m sliding it
softly off.

Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off of my warm body. I’m rubbing your bulge faster now,
rubbing and pulling.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in
your blouse. I’m sorry.

Sweetheart: That’s, OK. It wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it! I’m wearing a lacy black bra,
my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and
harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it’s
stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind
my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air
caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and
inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel
your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know,
breasts They’re neat!

Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m
nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit
and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the
remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking your sopping wet blouse from you and
throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing
your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all
over, in and out and nibbling on you. ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking
for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There that’s better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I’m aching for you lover.

Wellhung: Now I’m drying the cup. I’m putting it back in the
cabinet and now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait it’s dark,
I’m lost. Where is the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed
against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don’t you take your glasses off?

Wellhung: OK. But I can’t see very well. I’m placing my glasses
on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly to the
bathroom

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around
for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush
handle…….uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again. I’m
walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: Now I’m going to put my, you know, thing in your umm,
woman’s thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice.
Ma’am, I’m having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth. I can’t wait
another second. Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous
look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener
all floppy. I’m looking for my glasses to see what the problem
is.

Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I’m getting dressed, I’m putting on
my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait. I can’t find the night table. I’m reaching
across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture
frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. I’m putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Now I’ve found my glasses. My God! One of your candles
fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I’m pointing at it
with
a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I’m logging off, LOSER!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

USER ‘SWEETHEART’ HAS LOGGED OFF

——————-

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life- until the boat sank.

He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies… Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”

“I rowed from the other side of the island,” she says. “I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”

“Amazing,” he says. “You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.”

“O, this?” replies the woman. “I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”

“But-but, that’s impossible,” stutters Ed. “You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?”

“Oh, that was no problem,” replies the woman. “On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”

Ed is stunned. “Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?”

“No, no thank you,” he says, still dazed. “Can’t take any more coconut juice.”

“It’s not coconut juice,” the woman replies. “I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.”

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

“WOW! This woman is amazing,” he muses, “What next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for a really long time. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for all these months. You know…” She stares into his eyes.

He can’t believe what he’s hearing: “You mean—“, he swallows excitedly, “I can check my e-mail from here….?”

13. Microsoft offices no longer providing toilet paper bearing Netscape logo.

12. Follow-up release to “IE4” now being referred to internally as “IE5-10, with time off for good behavior.”

11. Must say “pretty please with jam on top” before devouring competitors.

10. Cancellation of planned “You’ll think what we TELL you to think!” ad campaign.

9. Company United Way contributions redirected towards the “Let’s Buy The US Government” fund.

8. Plans to begin marketing MSFood, MSClothing and MSShelter quietly tabled.

7. 10:00 AM: Barksdale visits Gates’s office to sign landmark settlement agreement. 10:05 AM: Piranhas beneath trap door get some lunch.

6. “I don’t break for software companies” bumper stickers removed from corporate limousines.

5. Internal memos no longer refer to Janet Reno as “liquor addled she-male.”

4. Kick back for a while, let loser companies catch up.

3. Now relegated to making large piles of cash, down from huge buttwads of cash.

2. Using honesty, humility and cooperation, allow one small competitor to show a modest profit for three straight quarters. Then when they’re lulled, club ’em to death like a baby seal.

1. Tables turned in jail, where Bill Gates has no choice but to have “Big Louie’s Inmate Explorer” installed against *his* will.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

You know you’ve been on-line too long when…

* You start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.

* Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks
like.

* You check your mail. It says “no new messages” so you check it again.

* You name your children Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.

* All of your friends have an @ in their names.

* You tell the cab driver you live at
http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

* You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy/Mommy’s got
work to do”.

* You get a tattoo that says “This body best veiwed with Internet Explorer
5.0.”

* You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front
of the computer with a toilet.

* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. 🙂

* As your car chrashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your
first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

Lady goes to her gynecologist for pre-marital exam. Doc says, WOW! This is your fourth marriage, and you are still a virgin!
Lady says, Yeah. My first husband and I were hippies. We had a wreck in our VW van right after our marriage. He was killed. My second husband got sent to Vietnam before we could consummate and was killed in action.

My third husband worked for IBM. He just sat there telling how good it was going to be when I got it.

Top 50+ Geek T-Shirt slogans

1. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
2. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
3. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
4. 2 + 2 = 5 for extrememly large values of 2.
5. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
6. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
7. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
8. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN
9. C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
10. Bad Command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
18. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay…
19. Why doesn’t DOS ever say “EXCELLENT command or filename!”
20. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
21. Southern DOS: Y’all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
22. Backups? We don’ NEED no steenking backups.
23. E Pluribus Modem
24. >… File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
25. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
26. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
27. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
28. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington, D.C.? (Y/N)
29. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
30. A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.
31. 11th commandemnt – Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Pentium.
32. 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case… coincidence?
33. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
34. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
35. SENILE.COM found … Out of Memory…
36. Who’s General Failure & why’s he reading my disk?
37. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
38. RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
39. Shell to DOS… Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
40. All computers wait at the same speed.
41. Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.
42. Press — to continue…
43. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…
44. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…
45. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
46. E-mail returned to sender�insufficient voltage.
47. Help! I’m modeming… and I can’t hang up!!!
48. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
49. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
50. “640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981
51. DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCRS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
52. Hidden DOS Secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
53. Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
54. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
55. Go ahead, make my data

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you don’t need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you don’t fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you don’t go anywhere. But that’s okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.

(G)uest: Waiter!

(W)aider: Hello, my name is Bill and I will be your server tonight. You stay may be monitored for quality control reasons. First, may I have your address and phone number? Good, now what can I do for you?

G: There’s a fly in my soup

W: Leave the restaurant and come back in. Possibly the fly will not be there the next time

G: No, the fly is still there…

W: Maybe you are eating the soup incorrectly, try it with the fork

G: Even if I use the fork, the fly is still there!

W: Does the dish fit the soup? what kind of dish are you using?

G: A SOUP DISH!

W: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the soup dish delivered?

G: You brought the soup dish on a serving dish, but what does that have to do with the fly in my soup?

W: Can you remember everything, before you realized there was a fly in your soup?

G: I sat down and ordered the soup of the day.

W: Have you considered switching to the latest soup of the day?

G: You have more then one soup of the day?

W: Yes, we change the soup of the day hourly

G: Ok, what is the current soup of the day?

W: The current soup of the day is tomato soup

G: Great, bring me the current soup of the day and the check – I’m running late by now…. The waiter brings the soup and the check

W: Here is the soup and the check.

G: But that is potato soup?

W: Yes, the tomato soup got delayed by about 6 months while we try to remove some lumps…

G: Fine, I’m so hungry, I’ll eat the potato soup…

The waiter leaves

G: Waiter! There’s a mosquito in my soup! ………………..

INVOICE

Soup of the day: $40.00

Upgrade to the new soup of the day: $20.00

Support: $200.00

Defect in the soup of the day with no surcharge (to be changed with tomorrow’s soup)

Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek…

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as “my [email protected]” and refer to your children as “client applications”.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so “colon-right parentheses!”

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
10. Dinner special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

Error Messages

”The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out…”
”WARNING: Keyboard Not Attached. Press F10 to Continue.”

”COFFEE.EXE missing. Insert cup and press any key.”

”Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.”

”Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!”

”Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue…”

”Error reading FAT record. Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)”

”General Failure’s Fault. Not Yours.”

”Hit any user to continue.”

”Scandisk is now checking your hard disk. You can start praying.”

”Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.”

”Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.”

”Ooops. My brain just hit a bad sector.”

”Cannot find REALITY.SYS…Universe Halted.”

wat do micdonalds and micheal jackson hav in commmon,they both stick there 46 year old meat into 6 year old buns.