Category: computers

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer EngineersDOCTORS——- Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll ever meet another woman in his profession. LAWYER—— Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing. SALESMAN——– See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be travelling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you. HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS,———————- I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask “Honey, were you looking at her?”, he’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see her. TEACHER——- The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolise him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to look for another man.

This quiz is dedicated to all of those people who find themselves constantly roaming the net. Do you leave yourself logged in twenty-four hours a day, even when you’re not home? Is your wpm typing speed higher than your IQ? Are you having trouble seeing things at distances greater than 2 feet? Yes, YOU. You know who you are.Ok… shall we begin? Yes? 5 points… (you could’ve backed out.)Unless otherwise stated, point values are as follows: 2 for (a), 4 for (b), 6 for (c), and 10 for (d).How many valid net addresses do you have? Multiple machines at the same site do not count.How many hours did it take for you to create your .sig?a) Huh?b) More than onec) More than fived) I’m still looking for a really funky quoteOn an average working day, how many email messages do you receive?a) Nobody sends me any mail… sniffb) Three, but they’re all from Lester in the next cubicle over, because he has nothing better to doc) I can’t count that high, I failed calculusd) Don’t ask me now, I’m too busy. Send me e-mail.All right, fess up. Have you ever read alt.sex.bondage just to see what the heck those perverts were talking about?a) Yes, and I’m so ashamedb) Yes, and I’m so embarrassedc) Yes, and would you please explain a few things to me…d) No, never. (10 points. You’re lying.)Have you ever met one of your past SO’s (significant others) via a computer network?a) Nob) Yes, through a newsgroup we both posted onc) Yes, by chatting randomly over the Internet (shame!)d) Yes, by chatting over RELAYOnce you’ve logged onto your system, what do you spend most of your time doing?a) Putting books on reserve in the library computer system.b) Reading _Alice in Wonderland_ in the online bookshelfc) Reading the monthly postings on rec.humor.funnyd) Writing up stupid quizzes because you’ve done everything elseIf someone were to telephone your home at any given moment of the day, what would be the percent chance that your phone would be busy?a) Zero… I’ve got call waitingb) 25%…. I only dial in from work (Uh, hi, boss)c) 75%…. Duh, so that’s why nobody ever calls med) Zero… My modem has a separate phone lineWhich Usenet newsgroups do you spend the most time reading?a) The comp. groups… because they’re so informativeb) The soc. groups…. because they’re so multiculturalc) The rec. groups…. because they’re so divertingd) The alt. groups…. because I don’t know what half those words meanWhat’s your worst complaint about having an Internet account?a) I have to pay $5/month for itb) The damn sysadmins won’t give me enough quota to hold all my .gif’sc) All those programmers keep tying up the modem linesd) I have to stay in school to keep itCheck your watch now. What time is it?a) 10 am… coffee breakb) 3 pm…. General Hospital’s onc) 12 am… one last login before I hit the sackd) 4 am…. Oh my God, I’ve got a test tomorrowALL RIGHT, GUYS. SCORING TIME.0-25 points: You’re not a nerd. Go read a manual or two and come back next year.25-50 points: You’re an up-and-coming Internet nerd. Why don’t you telnet over to 128.6.4.8 and play around with the Quartz BBS for a while.50-75 points: You’re a full-fledged Internet nerd. Join the club.75-100 points: You’re an Internet addict. Try going to the library this week, it’ll do you some good.100+ points: You’re an Internet obsessive-compulsive. Unplug your computer, go out in the woods for a few days, and relax. Lay back and listen to the birds singing. Clear your mind. And don’t forget to unsubscribe yourself from all those lists before you leave.

A man walked up to a safety advisor and said, “My eyes hurt from
using the computer.”

The safety advisor said, “Why don’t you type with your hands
like normal people!”

Tech Support: “OK Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: “I don’t have a ‘P’.”

Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Tech Support: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”

Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.

ONE DAY A BOY WAS TAKING A SHOWER WITH HIS MOTHER AND HE SAYS ”MOMMY WHAT ARE THOSE”? SHE REPLIES..”OH THOSE ARE MY HEAD LIGHTS”THE BOY THEN AGAIN ASKS ”MOMMY WHATS THAT”? SHE THEN REPLIES ”OH THATS MY GARDEN” THE BOY SAYS THANKS AND HOPS OUT OF THE SHOWER.
THE NEXT DAY THE BOY TAKES A SHOWER WITH HIS DAD.THE BOT THEN ASKS HIS DAD ”DADDY WHATS THAT”? THE FATHER REPLIES ”OH THATS MY SNAKE”THE BOY SAYS THANKS AND HOPS OUT OF THE SHOWER. THAT NIGHT THE BOY HAD A BAD DREAM SO HE WENT INTO HIS PARENTS ROOM SNEAKS UNDER THE SHEETS AND SAYS”MOMMY MOMMY QUICK TURN ON YOUR HEAND LIGHTS THERES A SNAKE IN YOUR GARDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mainframe – The part of the house that holds up the roof

“Hard drive” — Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
“Keyboard” —- Place to hang your truck keys.
“Window” —— Place in the truck to hang your guns.
“Floppy” —— When you run out of Polygrip.
“Modem” ——- How you got rid of your dandelions.
“ROM” ——— Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
“Byte” ——– First word in a kiss-off phrase.
“Reboot” —— What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
“Network” —– Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
“Mouse” ——- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
“LAN”——– To borrow as in, “Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.”
“Cursor” —— What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
“bit” ——— A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.”
“digital control” — What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
“packet” —— What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

My wife and I were watching a show on The Learning Channel titled, “A Dog’s World.”

One segment focused on dogs practice of urinating everywhere to define who they are and whose territory it is, among many other things. “Basically,” the narrator said, “dogs are leaving each other messages.”

I looked at my wife and said, “So I guess we could call it p-mail.”

At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus.

She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was calling from her neighbor’s. She had just received her first system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going to blow up!

AOL announced another rate increase today moving the ulimited access rate up too $23.90/month. Thought this joke was appropriate to celebrate the occassion.

1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.

3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later… and later… and later… and oh forget it.

4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it’s the NEW model.

6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just “lock-up” for no apparent reason.

7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.

8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair, but they’d be available 24 hours a day to screw up your car!

14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age? Car wouldn’t come with profile feature… oh no!

18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are. Some compacts would claim to be limos.

20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, “Good-Bye.”

Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. Everything is gone; Your life’s work has been destroyed. Squeeze trigger (yes/no)? I’m sorry, there’s — um — insufficient — what’s-it-called? The term eludes me. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again. The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak. Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? A file of that size It must be very useful. But now it is gone. Errors have occurred. We won’t tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. Server’s poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system. This site has been moved. We’d tell you where, but then we’d have to delete you. Wind catches lily scatt’ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault. ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: “My Novel” not found. The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist. Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone. There is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can’t bridge Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that. To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. No keyboard present Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering? Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal open the…..please Hal Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. Having been erased, The document you’re seeking Must now be retyped. The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone. Rather than a beep or a rude error message, These words: “File not found.” Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.