Category: computers

Bill Gates is the owner of Microsoft and GMC is a large car
company. Gates recently told GMC what would happen if Microsoft
produced GMC cars:

1. They would cost about $5.00 each

2. You would be able to change the colors and the arrangement of
parts at any time.

3. It would give you directions and basically travel for you.

4. Free internet access

5. A Christmas card from Bill Gates every year.

GMC in return added what would happen:

1. Every 5 minutes it would freeze in the middle of the road.

2. Before starting the engine, speeding up, slowing down, etc.,
it would ask you if you’re sure you want to do this

3. You would have to get a new car every two years because the
old one becomes outdated and can’t function on the roads anymore.

4. The NT and MS-DOS cars would cost a little bit more, but
would run better and have free DSL.

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can�t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:/ is the root of all directories.
8. Don�t put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modern is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don�t byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There�s no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the NET and he won�t bother you for weeks

So you think you’re computer-illiterate ?

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, “the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”

Tech Rep: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”

Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that t fixed?”

Tech Rep: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”

Tech Rep: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”

Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you don’t need to know, don’t want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”
This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”
To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”
BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”
Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…
If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have security?
Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. “Word has detected that you don’t wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?”
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

PROGRAM (pro’-gram)

[n] A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one’s input into error messages.

[v] To engage in a pastime similar to banging one’s head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your E-mail on the way back to bed.9. Your firstborn is named Dotcom.8. You turn off your Computer and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.5. You find yourself typing “com” after every period.com4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)AND THE NO.1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:1. Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.(I just did! )

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.Husband : (Returning late from work) “Good Evening Dear, I’m now logged in.”Wife : Have you brought the grocery? Husband : Bad command or filename.Wife : But I told you in the morning Husband : Erroneous syntax. Abort?Wife : What about my new TV? Husband : Variable not found …Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied…Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband : Too many parameters …Wife : It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.Wife : You are useless. Husband : It’s by Default.Wife : What about your Salary? Husband : File in use … Try after some time.Wife : What is my value in the family. Husband : Unknown Virus

Is Windows A Virus? No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly — okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so — okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk — okay, Windows does that, too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh…Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that’s with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So, Windows is *not* a virus. It’s a BUG!

Proper Care of Floppies: 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. ‘Big’ diskettes may be folded and used in ‘little’ disk drives. 4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be recorded on both diskettes. 6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a ‘hung’ or ‘hooked’ state. If your system is ‘hooking’ you, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the disk drive. 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data. 8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. 9. Diskettes can be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided they have been properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before inserting into drive (see item #2 above.)10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data stored is much too small to be seen with the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.12. And particularly, watch out for that Bobbit virus. It will turn your harddrive into a 3.5′ floppy.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Signs you’ve had too much of the 90’s!

You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You now think of three espressos as “getting wasted.
You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back “What’s for dinner?”

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you.

You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

And finally…
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!