Category: computers

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when
Sleepy rushes in and says, “Guess what guys, I’ve won a trip to see the Pope!”

Everyone gets all excited and chants, “We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.”

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, “Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!”

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, “Do you have a question to ask me, young man?”
Dopey looks up shyly and says, “Well, yes.”
The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.
Dopey asks, “Well, do….do they have nuns in Alaska?”
The Pope replies, “Well, yes, I’m sure we have nuns in Alaska.”

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, “Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!”

The Pope asks Dopey if there’s more to his question, and Dopey continues, “Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?”
To which the Pope replies, “Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.”

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, “Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!”
The Pope asks Dopey, “Is there still more to your question?”
To which Dopey replies, “Well, uh, yeah…..are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?”
The startled Pope replies, “Well, no, my son, I really don’t think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.”

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling…
“Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!”

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:
10. 1 to release a beta version 1 to complete the documentation 1 to test for hardware compatibility 1 to deny tech support 1 to configure the TCP/IP 1 to check for y2k compliance 1 to program the software to be compatible with the other software 1 to approve the invoice for the ladder 1 to change the bulb. (That’s nine because there’s always one more thing you need.)

Change the text in your 3D Text screensaver to “volcano” (without the
quotes) and your screensaver will display different volcano names.

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.8. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C: is the root of all directories.

8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There’s no place like http://www.home.com.

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

The Top 13 Changes at Microsoft as a Result of Antitrust Charges13 Microsoft offices no longer providing toilet paper bearing Netscape logo.12 Follow-up release to ‘IE4’ now being referred to internally as ‘IE,5-10, with time off for good behavior.’11 Before devouring competitors, must now say: ‘pretty please with jam on top’ 10 Cancellation of planned ad campaign: ‘You’ll think what we TELL you to think!’ 9 Company United Way contributions redirected towards the ‘Let’s Buy The US Government’ fund. 8 Plans quietly tabled to begin marketing: MSFood, MSClothing and MSShelter 7 10:00 AM: Barksdale visits Gates’s office to sign landmark settlement agreement. 10:05 AM: Piranhas beneath trap door get some lunch. 6 Bumper stickers removed from corporate limousines which read. ‘I don’t break for software companies’ 5 Internal memos no longer refer to Janet Reno as ‘liquor addled she-male.’ 4 Kick back for a while, let loser companies catch up. 3 Now relegated to making large piles of cash, down from huge buttwads of cash. 2 Using honesty, humility and cooperation, allow one small competitor to show a modest profit for three straight quarters. Then when they’re lulled, club ’em to death like a baby seal. 1 Tables turned in jail, where Bill Gates has no choice but to have ‘Big Louie’s Inmate Explorer’ installed against *his* will.

Why does Bill Gates drive a car with 1 wheel?

Because he prefers a Hard-Drive!

THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES

1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

3. Movie characters never make typing mistakes.

4. All monitors display inch-high letters.

5. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces.

6. Those that don’t have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

7. Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you want by simply typing, “ACCESS THE SECRET FILES” on any near-by keyboard.

8. You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing “UPLOAD VIRUS”. (See “Fortress”.)

9. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain’s desktop computer even if it’s turned off.

10. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn’t go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)

11. All computer panels operate on thousands of volts and have explosive devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that causes you to jump backwards.

12. People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the data.

13. A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the world by guessing the secret password in two tries.

14. You may bypass “PERMISSION DENIED” message by using the “OVERRIDE” function. (See “Demolition Man”.)

15. Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24 hours, 365 days a year without a reset.

16. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

17. When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.

18. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen (See “Clear and Present Danger”).

19. If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you insert it.

20. Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See “Independence Day”.)

21. Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all software is usable on any platforms.

22. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See “Aliens”.)

23. Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because the buttons have no labels except for the “SELF-DESTRUCT” button.

24. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.

25. Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.

26. Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto their face. (See “Alien” or “2001”.)

27. Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no matter how vague your keywords are. (See “Mission Impossible”, Tom Cruise searches with keywords like “file” and “computer” and 3 results are returned.)

IT’S A WONDERFUL MACHINE The Sweetest Christmas Movie Frank Capra Never Made — by David PogueI guess I shouldn’t have gone to a party where the eggnog was spiked, and maybe I shouldn’t have watched the movie It’s a Wonderful Life while leafing through MacWeek. But anyway, I had the weirdest dream last night — like a bizarre black-and-white movie that went like this: Jimmy Stewart stars as Steve ‘Jobs’ Bailey, who runs a beleaguered but beloved small-town computer company. For years, big monopolist Bill ‘Gates’ Potter has been wielding his power and money to gain control of the town. And for years, Steve has fought for survival: ‘This town needs my measly, one-horse computer, if only to have something for people to use instead of Windows!’But now an angry mob is banging on Apple’s front door, panicking. ‘The press says your company is doomed!’ yells one man. ‘You killed the clones! We’re going to Windows!’ calls another. ‘We want out of our investment!’ they shout.Steve, a master showman, calms them. ‘Don’t do it! If Potter gets complete control of the desktop, you’ll be forced to buy his bloatware and pay for his cruddy upgrades forever! We can get through this, but we’ve got to have faith and stick together!’ The crowd decides to give him one more chance.But the day before Christmas, something terrible happens: On his way to the bank, the company’s financial man, Uncle Gilly, somehow manages to lose $1.7 billion. With eyes flashing, Steve grabs the befuddled Gilly by the lapels. ‘Where’s that money, you stupid old fool? Don’t you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal! Get out of my company — and don’t come back!’Desperate and afraid, Steve heads to Martini’s, a local Internet cafe, and drowns his sorrows in an iced cappuccino. Surfing the Web at one of the cafe’s Macs, all he finds online is second-guessing, sniping by critics, and terrible market-share numbers.As a blizzard rages, Steve drives his car crazily toward the river. ‘Oh, what’s the use?!’ he exclaims. ‘We’ve lost the war. Windows rules the world. After everything I’ve worked for, the Mac is going to be obliterated! Think of all the passion and effort these last 15 years — wasted! Think of the billions of dollars, hundreds of companies, millions of people….’ He stands on the bridge, staring at the freezing, roiling river below — and finally hurls himself over the >railing.After a moment of floundering in the chilly water, however, he’s pulled to safety by a bulbous-nosed oddball. ‘Who are you?!’ Steve splutters angrily.’Name’s Clarence — I mean Claris,’ says the guy. ‘I’m your guardian >angel. I’ve been sent down to help you — it’s my last chance to earn my >wings.”Nobody can help me,’ says Steve bitterly. ‘If I hadn’t created the Mac, everybody’d be a lot happier: Mr. Potter, the media, even our customers. Hell, we’d all be better off if the Mac had never been invented at all!’Music swirls. The wind howls. The tattoo on Steve’s right buttock — Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story — vanishes. Steve pats the empty pocket where he usually carries his Newton. ‘What gives?”You’ve got your wish,’ says Claris. ‘You never invented the Mac. It never existed. You haven’t a care in the world.”Look, little fella, go off and haunt somebody else,’ Steve mutters. He heads over to Martini’s Internet cafe for a good stiff drink. But he’s shocked at the difference inside. ‘My God, look at the people using these computers! Both of them — they look like math professors!”They are,’ says Claris.’What is this, a museum? It looks like those computers are running DOS!”Good eye!’ says Claris. ‘DOS version 25.01, in fact — the very latest.”I don’t get it,’ Steve says.’DOS is a lot better and faster these days, but it hasn’t occurred to anybody to market a computer with icons and menus yet. There’s no such thing as Windows — after all, there never was a Mac interface for >Microsoft to copy.”But this equipment is ancient!’ Steve exclaims. ‘No sound, no CD-ROM drive, not even 3.5-inch floppies!”Those aren’t antiques!’ Claris says. ‘They’re state-of-the-art Compaqs, complete with the latest 12X, 5-inch-floppy drives. Don’t forget, Steve: The Mac introduced and standardized all that good stuff you named.”But that’s nuts!’ Steve explodes. ‘You mean to tell me that the 46 percent of American households with computers are all using DOS?”Correction: All 9 percent of American households,’ says Claris cheerfully. ‘Without a graphic interface, computers are still too complicated to be popular.”Bartender!’ shouts Steve. ‘You don’t have a copy of Wired here, do you? I’ve got to read up on this crazy reality!’The bartender glares. ‘I don’t know what you’re wired on, pal, but either stop talking crazy or get outta my shop.”No such thing as Wired,’ whispers Claris. ‘Never was. Before you wished the Mac away, most magazines were produced entirely on the Mac. Besides, Wired would be awfully thin without the Web.”Without the — now, wait just a minute!’ Horrified, Steve rushes over to one of the PCs and connects to the Internet. ‘You call this the Net? It looks like a text-only BBS — and there’s practically nobody online! >Where’s Navigator? Where’s Internet Explorer? Where’s the Web, for Pete’s >sake?”Oh, I see,’ Claris smiles sympathetically. ‘You must be referring to all those technologies that spun off from the concept of a graphic interface. Look, Steve. Until the Mac made the mouse standard, there was no such thing as point and click. And without clicking, there could be no Web… and no Web companies. Believe it or not, Marc Andreesen works in a Burger King in Cincinnati.’Steve scoffs. ‘Well, look, if you apply that logic, then PageMaker wouldn’t exist either. Photoshop, Illustrator, FreeHand, America Online, digital movies — all that stuff began life on the Mac.”You’re getting it,’ Claris says. He holds up a copy of Time magazine. ‘Check out the cover price.’ Steve gasps. ‘Eight bucks? They’ve got a lot of nerve!”Labor costs. They’re still pasting type onto master pages with hot wax.”You’re crazy!’ screams Steve. ‘I’m going back to my office at Apple!’ He drives like a madman back to Cupertino–but the sign that greets him there doesn’t say, ‘Welcome to Apple.’ It says, ‘Welcome to Microsoft South.”Sorry, Steve; Apple went out of business in 1985,’ says Claris. ‘You see, you really did have a wonderful machine! See what a mistake it was to wish it away?’Steve is sobbing, barely listening. ‘OK, then — I’ll go to my office at Pixar!”You don’t have an office at Pixar,’ Claris reminds him. ‘There was no Mac to make you rich enough to buy Pixar!’Steve has had enough. He rushes desperately back to the icy bridge over the river. ‘Please, God, bring it back! Bring it back! I don’t care about market share! Please! I want the Mac to live again!’Music, wind, heavenly voices — and then snow begins softly falling.’Hey, Steve! You all right?’ calls out Steve’s friend Larry from a passing helicopter. Steve pats his pocket — the Newton is there again! It’s all back! Steve runs through the town, delirious with joy. ‘Merry Christmas, Wired! Merry Christmas, Internet! Merry Christmas, wonderful old Microsoft!’And now his office is filled with smiling people whose lives the Mac has touched. There’s old Mr. Chiat/Day the adman. There’s Yanni the musician. And there’s Mr. Spielberg the moviemaker. As the Apple board starts singing ‘Auld Lang Syne,’ somebody boots up a Power Mac.Steve smiles at the startup sound. ‘You know what they say,’ he tells the crowd. ‘Every time you hear a startup chime, an angel just got his wings.’

This is a true story from a place where I used to work…

A man called in to tech support for his internet service and explained to
the technician that everytime he got on the Internet, he got shocked. The
tech first thought that maybe he was just surprised, but the man actually
meant he was SHOCKED. The tech and the man troubleshoot for a little over
an hour to try and find out what the problem was. Finally the man told the
tech that everytime I get on the Internet, I get shocked…when I lick
the monitor with pictures of nude women. Needless to say the tech had to
disconnect the call because he was laughing too much to continue the
conversation.

Crash – When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.

This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite genuine.

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.

However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

Submitted by yisman
Edited by calamjo