Category: computers

A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road.
As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. ‘Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.’
The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.

The frog starts shouting, ‘Hey! Didn’t you hear me? I’m a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.’
The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.

The frog is really frustrated. ‘I don’t get it. Why won’t you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.’

The guy says, ‘Look, I’m a computer geek. I don’t have time for girls.
But a talking frog is cool!’

How do you tell an extrovert computer scientist? He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.

YOUR MAMMA IS SO FAT THAT SHE HAS TO GET HER NAILS PAINTED IN EARL SHINE!!!!!!

How do you know when a blonde’s been sending e-mail? Envelopes in the disk drive.

:Why the Internet Is Like a VaginaIf you play with it too much you can go blind.You wouldn’t believe the things people put in there! Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can’t interface.In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.The more people use it the bigger it gets.It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.You think you’re just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system.If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself ‘why on earth did I do that?’Some folks have it, some don’t.Those who have it think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s a nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it spend all their time trying to access it.Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers.Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.

Billy’s Mom’s LettersThe following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s column:Dear Mr. Dvorak:Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain. It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire — you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don’t know what’s happened. He’s changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy’s letters.Dear Mom, The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up. Love, Billy.Dear Mom, Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I’m getting used to it now. Gotta go, it’s time for the flowchart class. Love, Billy.P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It’s spellchecked too.Dear Mom, Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don’t have much of a tan ’cause we don’t go outside very often. You can’t see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I’m okay, really. Love, Billy.Dear Mom, I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it’s okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blankdiskettes. I’ve got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad. Love, Billy.Dear Mother, Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I got into the university’s in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He’s really smart. He says that I shouldn’t call myself Billy anymore. So, I’m not. Signed, William.Dear Mother, How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get so upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that you’d be proud of my program. After all, I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000.Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won’t be home until late August. Regards, William.Mother, Stop treating me like a child. True — physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won’t write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me. Sincerely, William. See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from my little boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it’s probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to doso. Thank you very much. Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

What do you call a computer scientist? It doesn’t matter what you call him. He’s too involved with the computer to come anyway.

Bar code – Them’s the fight’n rules down da local tavern.

‘Jane’s’ job includes opening mail for her employer. Junk mail too.Last week there was a catalogue from a company that sells promotional material related specifically to anniversaries. With it was a covering letter congratulating them on their tenth year in business, coming up this spring.Yea, right.The institution ‘Jane’ works for was founded in 1889.

News just in of Microsoft’s latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.

OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.

At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about “Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we’ve been doing to our customers for years.”

IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh

Drug dealers Software developers

Refer to their clients as “users”. Refer to their clients as “users”.

“The first one’s free!” “Download a free trial version…”

Have important South-East Asian Have important South-East Asian
connections(to help move the connections (to help debug the
stuff). code).

Strange jargon:”Stick,” “Rock,” Strange jargon: “SCSI,” “RTFM,”
“Dime bag,” “E.” “Java,” “ISDN.”

Realize that there’s tons of cash Realize that there’s tons of cash
in the 14- to 25-year-old market. in the 14- to 25-year-old market.

Job is assisted by the industry’s Job is assisted by the industry’s
producing newer, more potent producing newer, faster machines.
mixes.

Often seen in the company of of Often seen in the company of
pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture
capitalists.

Their product causes unhealthy DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem
addictions. ‘Nuff said.

Do your job well, and you can Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
sleep with sexy movie stars who
depend on you.