Andy Rooney Quotes

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I am in shape. Round’s a shape!

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Least Popular Porn Websites

www.beergut-chicks.com

www.fully-clothed-middle-aged-housewives-doing-laundry.com

www.36-24-88.com

www.your-mom-naked.com

www.DickCheneyBedroomCam.com

www.your-granny-in-the-nude.com

www.Hot-n-Saucy-Senator-Clinton.com

www.NaughtyAmishAnkles.com

www.ugly-fat-women-naked.com

www.bodymodifications.com/lbobbitt

www.goldengirls-goldenshowers.com

www.dead-sluts.com

www.richardsimmons.com/pornvault

Windows of Alabama

Subject: WINDOWS 98 RECALL It has come to our attention that a
few copies of the Alabama edition of windows 98 may have
accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of
the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the
commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at
the opening screen.

It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee
super imposed on a Confederate flag.
It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse,
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption,
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys,
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard,
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are
them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features:
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a
garbage bag and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done

Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98 :
tiperiter………..A word processor
colering book…….a graphics program
addin mershene……calculator
scratch paper ……notepad
jupe-box ………..CD Player
inner-net………..Microsoft Explorer
pichers………….A graphics viewer
IRS……………..M/S accounting software
IRS2…………….M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog…………American kennel club records
fishin…………..Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA……………..National Rifle Association
shot gun ………..Remington Arms price list
riffel…………..Winchester price list
pisstel………….Smith & Wesson price list
truck……………Ford & Chevrolet dealers in KY by zip code
house……………Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car …………….same as truck
cuzzins………….family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records………usually an empty file
shells…………..ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
bud……………..list of Budweiser sellers by zip code
racin……………NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV
stations that carry the races
car n truck Parts…nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc …………….veterinarians by zip code

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a
copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for
a replacement version.

Geek Theology

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.

On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and “active low” signals didn’t yet exist.)

On the second day, God’s boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn’t. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried “Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!” And God created rev. 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realised that “new and improved” wouldn’t do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with ‘add’ and ‘logical shift’ instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realised the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev. 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said “Forget that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply.” And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimising compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn’t worked right since.

Tech Support Stories

Person: I think our fax machine is out of ink. I just sent a customer a fax and when they received it all they got was a blank piece of paper.

Me (Trying to keep a straight face): Maybe the phone line has a hole in it, and all the ink ran out along the way.

“I told you the Internet was hot!”

Guy calls in..

Me. “How can I help you?”

G. I INSTALLED YOUR SOFTWARE ON MY COMPUTER AND NOW IT’S ON FIRE!! WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Me. The computer is on fire right now?

G. YES!

Me. Um…Put the fire out.

Once he had put the fire out with some water and we explained to him that nothing he put in his computer was at fault for it catching on fire he hung up and never called back. He cancelled his account two days later.

[This one isn’t quite as silly as it is proof that the tech usually knows more than you. This guy knew just enough to be dangerous. It cost us and him big time due to his pride.]

Guy calls in…

Me. Can I help you?

G. I can send email but I can’t receive it.

After verifying on our end that username and password were correct and the acct was working

Me. Ok, are you in *email client name*

G. Yes

Me. Ok, click on Mail Servers.Now retype your username.

G. OK,

Me. Try again

G. It still gives me the error.

We spend about 45 minutes trying everything I can think of including asking him to very slowly and carefully retype it ensuring that his username was in lowercase. He finally gives up and says he will call back tomorrow. After talking with another tech the next day he agrees to on-site service

*Yes we do that*.

5 minutes on-site and we find a SPACE in front of his username. The mail server didn’t recognize ” username” only “username” and therefore gave him the error.

When asked how it could be there after re-typing it so many times he said. “Well it looked right so I never actually re-typed it. I just said I did.”