Category: computers

My grandmother just got a new computer, but she has no clue how to use it.
One night she called my father with a computer problem. “I bought a CD
today, but it won’t fit in the CD drive in the computer. What’s wrong?”
asked my grandmother. “Ma,” my father replied, “you never had a CD-ROM
drive in the computer.”

My grandmother thought the floppy drive, was for CD-ROMs.

Customer: “Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.”
Tech Support: “What seems to be the problem?”
Customer: “The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left.
It’s defective!”
Tech Support: “You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa.”
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)

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I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.

Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,

“Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this “yellow” construction paper?”

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A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer’s tech support number, complaining about the error message: “Can’t find the printer.”

On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn’t find it! (YEE-HAW!)

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Customer: “Hello? I’m trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, ‘No Carrier,’ on my screen. What’s wrong?”

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An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: “I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my
home computer.” (Training stresses that we are “not the Soft-ware Police,” so I let the little act of piracy slide.)
Tech Support: “Umm-hmm. What happened?”
Customer: “As I put each disk in it turns out they weren’t initialized.”

Tech Support: “Do you remember the message exactly, ma’am?”
Customer:(proudly) “I wrote it down. ‘This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it’?”
Tech Support: “Er, what happened next?”
Customer: “After they were initialized all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can’t read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?”

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For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other.

A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced.

I started to type, “Leave me alone!”

They both jumped back, silenced. “What the . . . ” the teacher said.
I typed, “I said leave me alone!”

The kid got real upset. “I didn’t do anything to it, I swear!”
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: “Don’t touch me!”

Her: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hit your keys that hard.”

Me: “Who do you think you are anyway?!” Etc. Finally, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

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I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing “A:” and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn’t type the “dot over dot thingie” and that every time he tried to type the “dot over dot thingie” he kept getting the “dot over comma thingie” no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of
the key.
When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.

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This guy calls in to complain that he gets an “Access Denied” message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: “OK, let’s try once more, but use lower case letters.” Customer: “Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.”

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Email from a friend: “CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?”

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My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied, “It’s about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!”
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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.”

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:
“Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”

How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, that’s a hardware problem!

Keyboard – Where you’re supposed to put the keys so the wife can find them

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.”House,” in French, is feminine-“la mansion.” “Pencil,” in French, is masculine – “le crayon.” One puzzled student asked, “…What gender is computer?…” The teacher did not know, and the word wasn’t in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether “computer” should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men’s group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender (“la computer”), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (“le computer”), because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you’d waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated “If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.” Recently General Motors
addressed this comment by releasing the statement:

“Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?”

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a
new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and
fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason,
you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought
“Car95” or “CarNT”. But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five
percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to
their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single “general car default” warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say “are you sure?” before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question.

They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, “IS THERE A GOD?”

Suddenly there was a loud crash, and in a brilliant explosion of silicon and plastic the computers fused into what appeared to the scientists to be one large computer in place of the many smaller ones.

One of the scientists raced to the printer as it finally output its answer.

“There is now”, read the printout.

Microsoft is at it again! All my life, when I read comics, I thought the
“zzzz” in those little balloons indicated someone was sleeping! Boy, did I
miss the boat, and it took me all these years to figure it out! All that
wasted time!

With the help of Bill Gates (the man who avoided changing the light bulb
by redefining darkness as the standard), I have, indeed, seen the light.
Now, I finally know what all those “sleeping” people in those comics had
on their minds!

If you want to see what I’m babbling about, start your Microsoft Word,
type in “zzzz” (without the quotes, of course) and hit the spell check.
Now you too can be enlightened.

Through infinite myst, software reverberates
In code possess’d of invisible folly.

Wilt thou dare interface
With thy Apple Macintosh keypad
By toggling my tweaky bosom?
Alack!

Leave laserjet laughter to the laptop lover.
Behold beta beauty in a keyboard’s keen kindness.

Now yet torment thy melancholy hardware
By always vexing the amorous flame
Of thine model motherboard.

This tyrant widget conceals scuzzy games
And pleasure treasured dear:
Then kiss me.

Celestial evil’s idolatrous template within AOL
Will deceive some cybersex users
And email “cancel our service.”

Tis a rare tongue
That many maiden bugs command,
Revealing bounteous distress,
Trashing bold memory:
Click and crash gloriously.
Weep not, beauteous Microsoft!
Hereafter reboot.

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered.

A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

If you receive an email entitled “Badtimes,” delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law’s number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer. (For Gods sake man are you listening?!?!) It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

It will even put Super Glue in your KY Jelly, and Exlax in your chocolate candy, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**

And if you don’t send this to 5000 people within 20 seconds you’ll fart next time you’re making love!!!

send send send send send…………….

PS: In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.