Category: computers

What did Bill Gates’ wife say to him on their wedding night? “Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!”

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.
Satan greets him: “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all!”

“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn’t…”

“What about the PC?”

“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys.”

“Which three?”

“Control, Alt and Delete.”——

Joe/Jane Average College Student

Traits : Owner of a new university-supplied computer account with http access. Complete lack of originality. Multiple references to beer/Disney movies. Several photos of Student with college buddies (high school, if freshman Student).

The Good News : They don’t know how to get their page linked to the outside world, so only they and their friends download their 16.7-million- color pictures from the last party.

The Bad News : They, their friends and their 16.7-million-color pictures might be on your server.

Mr. “Enhanced For Netscape”

Traits : The second thing you see on his page is a Netscape logo and a link to an ftp site where you can download Netscape. The first thing you see is about 80 different Adverts scrolling back and forth across your screen.

The Good News : You won’t have to look at their pages for long, because there won’t be much there to see.

The Bad News : Half of the rest of the people who look at their pages are going to think “Hey, that’s cool!” and copy the source.

The Old-Timer

Traits : Pages compatible with HTML 1.0, no graphics and very few attribute tags. Normal-text-size message at top says “This page not enhanced for Netscape. Cope, whipper-snapper.”

The Good News : He’s likely there because he has something of importance to say.

The Bad News : Whatever it is will likely be boring or far too technical for you.

The 5-Year-Old

Traits : Pictures of their parents, the family pet, etc. More data about the daily life of a kindergartener than you thought possible. Cute “kiddy-talk” dialect to the text. Contains the note “such-and-such’s mother helped her build this page.”

The Good News : The first few of these you see give you a warm, fuzzy feeling.

The Bad News : The last few dozen of these you see all look the same.

The Computer Science Major

Traits : Links to the linux FAQ, the Geek Code, Star Wars theme music and DOOM .wad files. Cautious use of Netscape enhancements. Picture of Darth Vader instead of personal pictures. HTML 3.0 (Beta) compliant seal-of-approval at bottom of her page.

The Good News : If you’re a geek, you’ll find what you’re looking for here. Even if you’re not, you’ll like the page design.

The Bad News : Complete lack of socially redeeming qualities. Unfortunate tendency to upload specs of their home PC.

The Businessman

Traits : Pages without fancy backgrounds and with only one nice, clean, imagemap. Unfortunately, there are no text-links for those using Lynx.

The Good News : You won’t go blind staring at his pages.

The Bad News : You might wish you had once you see the prices of the goods/services he’s offering.

The Newbie

Traits : Very little created text on their pages, it’s almost all links to other people’s pages. Missing right brackets in links kill whole lines of information. Several image files are not able to be loaded.

The Good News : They’ll almost have to get better.

The Bad News : They just might not.

The Egotist

Traits : Large image of themself greets you when page is loading. 1/2 Meg .au file of him chatting with his dog. Access counts shown for every page. Several lengthy pages devoted to his compact disk/Magic card/beer bottle collection. More personal details than you’d ever want to know.

The Good News : There isn’t any.

The Bad News : Frequently friendly with Mr. “Enhanced for Netscape.”

The Maniac

Traits : Last counted 1267 .html files in his public_html directory and 100+ CGI scripts in his cgi-bin directory. Is known as a “Close Personal Friend of Bob [Allison].” Thinks the people at Yahoo! “don’t keep up with the Web fast enough.” Will be the first on his block to have an ethernet cable hardwired into his brain.

The Good News : You could go through all his pages and never find an error.

The Bad News : You’d never make it through all his pages.

Online – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. 3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.7. Users find 137 new bugs.8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

Dilberted To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Link Rot The process by which links on a web page became obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change location or die.

Chip Jewelry A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. “I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it’s nothing but chip jewelry.”

Crapplet A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin’ crapplet!”

Plug-and-Play A new hire who doesn’t need any training. “The new guy, John, is great. He’s totally plug-and-play.”

World Wide Wait The real meaning of WWW.

CGI Joe A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Dorito Syndrome Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. “I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I’ve got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome.”

Under Mouse Arrest Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”

Glazing Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that half the room was glazing by the second session?”

404 Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web message “404, URL Not Found,” meaning that the document you’ve tried to access can’t be located. “Don’t bother asking him…he’s 404, man.”

Dead Tree Edition The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms, as in: “The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle…”

Egosurfing Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.

Graybar Land The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that CAD rendering.”

Open-Collar Workers People who work at home or telecommute.

Squirt The Bird To transmit a signal up to a satellite. “Crew and talent are ready…what time do we squirt the bird?”

Brain Fart A biproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst of useful information. “I know you’re busy on the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?” Variation of old hackerslang that had more negative connotations.

Keyboard Plaque The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. “Are there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard plaque.”

Career-Limiting Move (CLM) Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Alpha Geek The most knowledgeable, technically-proficient person in an office or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the alpha geek around here.”

Adminisphere The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Tourists People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists.”

Blowing Your Buffer Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn, I just blew my buffer!”

Gray Matter Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.

Bookmark To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web browsers). “I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph.”

Nyetscape Nickname for AOL’s less-than-full-featured Web browser.

Beepilepsy The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, ”That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, ”That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, ”Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. ”That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?”

”Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, ”That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, ”Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”

– “Can you fax me a disk?”

– “Is that a capital ‘7’?”

– “Can I buy the Internet?”

– “Oh, you mean I need a modem *and* a computer to access the Internet!”

– “I have a 464 with 8k.”

– “It says I have 512 kegabytes.”

– “I’d like to buy a box of hard disks.”

– “My wife downloaded 20 megs of free space. Is that enough?”

– “The Internet — isn’t that a microchip?”

– “Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!”

The real name of “the” Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where “III” means the order of third (3rd.)

By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:

B…….66
I…….73
L…….76
L…….76
G…….71
A…….65
T…….84
E…….69
S…….83
……..3
————–
…….666 !!

Some might ask, “How did Bill Gates get so powerful?” Coincidence?
Or just the beginning of mankind’s ultimate and total enslavement???

YOU decide!

Before you decide, consider the following:

M S – D O S 6 . 2 1
77 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666

W I N D O W S 9 5
87 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666

Coincidence? I think not.

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