Category: computers

ADA: A Dumb ArrangementADA: A Dumb AcronymADA: A Dumb AnnoyanceBASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic CodersBASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical CodeBASIC: Beginner’s Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite ConfusionC: CrudC: ConfusingCOBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused LanguageCOBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated LanguageCOBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated LanguagesCOBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunaticsCOBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our LethargyCOBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our LoathingCOBOL: Compiles Only Because Of LuckCOBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized LanguageCOBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed LunaticsFORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverlandLISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid ParenthesesLISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous ParenthesesPASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language

10. The dog chewed through my monitor cable and now I can’t read my e-mail.9. I type with the two-finger “hunt ‘n peck” system and spend all my time “hunting”.8. I have a rare disease, “Terminal Procrastination”.7. You mean my PC can really reply to your Mac?6. I’m so far behind, I don’t open my e-mail anymore.5. I spilled hot tomato soup in my keyboard and only the delete key works now.4. I work for the U.S. Post Office and we find e-mail too threatening.3. I’m waiting until my “Inbox” has 1,000,000 e-mails.2. I play computer games 24 hours a day and don’t have time to reply to e-mail.1. I try, but it says to press any key. My keyboard doesn’t have an “any” key!!!

Three beggars are begging in New York City. The first one wrote “beg” on his broken steel cup. After one day he had received ten bucks.The second one wrote “beg.com” on his cup. After one day he had received hundreds of thousand of dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to NASDAQ.The third one wrote “eBeg” on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered him free hardware and professional consulting. Larry Ellison claimed on CNBC that eBeg uses 95% Oracle technology. i2 announced begTradeMatrix, a b2b industry portal to offer supply chain integration in the beggar market. Cisco just announced that virtually all eBeg traffic runs over their equipment.

A Dell technician recieved a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” The tech explained that the computer”s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn”t be taken personally.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas…The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,331

1 to change the light bulb and to post on the mailing list that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey.

19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine

15> They brag about stealing all the software off your site, www.freeware.com.

14> “Feedback on my hacking?  E-mail me at the address below.”

13> The end of their political message reads, “This hack best viewed
with Internet Explorer 4.0 or above.”

12> HTML-impaired vandals resort to TP’ing your server.

11> After hacking in, improved security so much they felt compelled
to turn themselves in.

10> Their lone devious act of “vandalism” was to correct all your
spelling errors.

9> When eBay comes back online, the entire auction consists of a
bunch of Dungeons and Dragons crap being sold by four geeks in
Poughkeepsie.

8> “GREG W. BUSH FOR PRESIDENT!  GREG W. BUSH FOR PRESIDENT!”

7> The KKK logo they left uses white letters on a white background.

6> Pamela Lee has clothes on now.

5> “pHaNtOm” tried to disable your retail website by using his
American Express platinum card to purchases your entire inventory.

4> Today’s topic looks a wee bit suspicious:  “DA ToP5 R33ZUNZ
Y DA S1LV3R SURF3R PoSS3 RooLZ!!!!!”

3> Someone broke into your credit card database and stole 400,000
middle initials.

2> Hacked into www.Playboy.com
just to read the articles.

1> Calls himself “Dr. Evil” and demands that he will unleash an
attack on the entire world and bring the internet to a screeching halt
unless he receives $100 “in small bills.”

            
[  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com 
]             
[   Copyright 2004 by Chris White    ]

IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess

11> Chastity belts require a password rather than a key.

10> Last year’s pitchfork not compatible with this year’s hay.

9> Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing his intention to “wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta.”

8> The “Good Plague” hoax.

7> Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to the rear to start again.

6> The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone.

5> Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs.

4> Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill’s haircut.

3> Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a pie.

2> Stained Glass Windows MCCCXXXXV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXXXXVI.

1> The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving.

[ This list copyright by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List http://topfive.com ]

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

“If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, “you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.

Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.

In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.”

“Sure,” says the GM chairman. “But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?”

A computer manufacture called some of their clients to ask about how much they are satisfied with their computer.
Company: Hi, I’m calling from U Computer, you have recently purchased a computer from us.

Client: Oh Yeah.

Company: Are you satisfied with your computer?

Client: Yes, but I don’t know why this computer came with a coffee cup holder and after many use it’s not working.

Company: Odd, we don’t sell computer with a computer with a coffee cup holder.

Client: Hmm . . . Yes, there is. It is labeled CD-writer and there is a little button when I press it, a tray comes out and I put the cup on it.

Computer: Sir, it is a compact disc player and writer. It is used for Audio CDs, Software CDs, but not for using it as a cup holder.

Client: Oh, so that’s why it broke! Thank you. Bye.