Category: computers

The night before Y2K
‘Twas the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.

The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that ol’ Buggy
Wouldn’t stop there.

While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.

And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.

When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.

But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.

When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.

The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!

His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!

Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!

All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!

All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.

As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.

He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.

His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.

He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.

He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all,
Kiss your PCs good-bye!

Question: What is the biggest oxymoron of the 1990’s?

Answer: Microsoft Works!

////THE TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS////

I bet most of you people out there are plenty tired of all those
stupid annoying pointless chainletters out there. Well, I have
put together a list of the types of chain letters that you all
hate. Enjoy!

///TYPE 1///

Please help! Sammy, from Oogalablotscanda needs desperate help!
He has no legs, no arms, and he has to drink 40 gallons of
chocolate syrup before he can eat bannanas! All you have to do
to help Sammy, is send this to 49,092 people in the next 2.998
seconds, and sign your name at the bottom! For every person you
send this to, Sammy will get 1 doller!!!!

///TYPE 2///

Make a wish, and scroll down!

Have you made your wish???

C’mon…make it dammit.

I haven’t got all day here.

K got it???

Good!!

Just keep scrolling..

Scroll more……..

Getting tired????????

HAHA!!!

OK STOP!

STOP I SAID STOP!!!

MAN STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay got your wish? Okay good. Now, all you have to do, is send
this to more people so they can be tortured with anoying
scrolling wish crap!
If you send it to….

0-15 people: Purple donkeys will jump through the moniter and
attack you!
15-30 people: The donkeys will still attack you, but you wont be
injured quite as severely.
30-50 people: Sheesh…so many people will be annoyed with you
for sending this!
50-70: You will get $20! Who knows how..but you’ll get it!
70-100: You will win the $20,000 lottery, but a big rock will
fall out of the sky and crush you and your computer

Now send away!!

///TYPE 3///

This chain letter has been going on since 1876. This is
incredibly amazing, since there weren’t any computers back then.
Send this on (to 200,099 people in the next minutue)…or face
the coniquences! Take a look at these examples-

(Dumbass horror story 1): Lue Ser, a 9 year old boy, was an
average boy. He knew a lot about computers, and he figured that
nothing bad could ever happen to him if he didn’t pass this on.
So, he deleted it, without hesitation. The next day, while
getting ready for school, rabid squirrels arived at his door,
and nibbled him to death!!

(Dumbass horror story 2): Stu Pidwun was about eh 12. Nobody
liked him at all, so he didn’t have too many friends. He only
sent this to 4 people! After he sent it, he grinned and thought
“what a stupid chain letter nothing bad happend!” Well, little
did he know, an hour later, When he went to take his bath, he
got sucked down the drain! For some strange reason, he shrunk
down in size, and went right down the drain. Noone really cared
tho, cuz no one liked him anyways.

(Dumbass happy story): Linda Luckee, a 12 year old, just like
stu. She had lots of friends though. She really didn’t believe
in this chain letter, but she was bored so she sent it to
200,099 people, just like you’re supposed to. The next day, she
came home from school super happy. She had won the lottery! This
is surprising, since you have to be an adult to enter the
lottery but she won it alright! Plus, the guy she had been
crusing on for 14 years asked her out!!!

Now, you wouldn’t want to end up like Lue, or Stu would you? I’d
much rather be like Linda. Well, it’s your choice! Send this to
200,099 people now before the minute is over! Don’t break the
chain that’s been in existance since 1876!!!!!

///TYPE 4///

Hey this is really cool, try it! Send this to 789 people now!
Exactly 789, if it’s any higher or lower you will instantly be
attacked by purple-butted-baboons! Okay, after you send it to
the 789 peeps, hold 1+M+s+t+u+p+1+d+5+g+9+b, then a little
window will pop up. In that window, type in “I don’t have enough
fingers to press all the buttons!” Then, a pig will fly across
your screen with you name, hair color, and address on it!
Amazing, huh! Send away!

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

You Know You’re a Programmer When …
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you are counting objects, you go ”0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D…”.

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

When your wife says ”If you don’t turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!”, and you chastise her for for omitting the ”else” clause.

You try to s sleep(8 * 3600);

When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page..

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number…

When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you’re doing the math in octal.

When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

Microsoft’s ad slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?”

Now that Windows 98 is out, Microsoft have disclosed the alternatives that were considered when Windows 95 was released :

1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Microsoft gives you Windows – OS/2 gives you the whole house.
5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
7. Error #152 – Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
9. I’ll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I’m trying.
10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
11. OS/2 … Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!
13. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
15. How do you want to crash today?

A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.”And lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some e-mail, Amen”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it’s a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn’t ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features I’d like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0… – A “Don’t remind me again” button – Minimize button – Shutdown feature – An installshield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don’t lose cache and other objects) – “Abort” button (O.K. that one’s pretty bad – but had to say it) I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn’t have an uninstall program. I tried to unstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks — in all versions of Girlfriend that I’ve used is that it is totally “object orientated” and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts. ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of
unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This
termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it
retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part,competent, your
constant use of “brb gotta pee” took some of the romance out of it.

_____ Your use of the term “the ol’ cyber ball and chain” to refer to me
has hurt my feelings.

_____ I’ve found another lover, one who knows the importance of
punctuation.

_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less
than honest:

_____ You typed: “I remove my bra” when you claimed to be a man.

_____ You typed: “I enter you” when you claimed to be a woman.

_____ You typed your own name at the end.

_____ Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56
of a Jackie Collins novel.

_____ Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding
something from me.

_____ Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests
a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

_____ I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.

_____ I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish
to face stalking charges.

_____ Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.

_____ Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time
you’re spending on the computer.

_____ I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I
would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to
ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than
you think.

_____ The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling
less than special. As in cyber cheating.

_____ I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14
violates the terms of my parole.

_____ I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ you misbegotten son of a
bitch__ sir/madam __ mom/dad [for use in West Virginia], that there is
nothing personal in this. We’ve simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,

__ Sincerely,

__ Gleefully,

__ I have to go before the warden calls “lights out,”

__ Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,

__ Good riddance,

[Name or alias]

14. The DOTCam — Live webcast of your local Department of Transportation guys actually working for the first time.

13. “You, too, can become a Top5 contributor! Just take this little test!”

12. Mother and daughter to both lose their virginity on the Internet.

11. Rosie O’Donnell adopts kids to steal their kidneys — for dinner!

10. “Defiant Consumers Rip the Tags off of Mattresses, LIVE on the Internet!”

9. Discovery of Adolph Hitler’s long-lost Netscape bookmarks

8. The V2K bug – Every morning, another friggin’ Viagra joke on your monitor.

7. “Our First A-Bomb” <http://www.abomb.india.gov.

6. TWA Flight 800 was shot down by Richard Gere in order to stop the AOL4FREE virus from killing Craig Shergold.

5. www.ourfirstherpes.com

4. Raised as a strict vegan, 26 year old Harvey “Sunshine” Reynolds will enjoy his first taste of thick-sliced bacon, on July 31 at www.the-other-white-meat.com.

3. The Drudge Report

2. Al Sharpton and Jesse Helms to hold an online debate which will be dominated by intelligence and logic.

1. The Church of Scientology refund website

ADA: A Dumb ArrangementADA: A Dumb AcronymADA: A Dumb AnnoyanceBASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic CodersBASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical CodeBASIC: Beginner’s Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite ConfusionC: CrudC: ConfusingCOBOL: Completly Outdated, Badly Overused LanguageCOBOL: Completly Overused, Badly Outdated LanguageCOBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated LanguagesCOBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunaticsCOBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our LethargyCOBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our LoathingCOBOL: Compiles Only Because Of LuckCOBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized LanguageCOBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed LunaticsFORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-neverlandLISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid ParenthesesLISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous ParenthesesPASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language