Category: computers

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB,and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack — once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. It’ll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputerw butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t!” whenever you choose “Abort” from the “Abort, Retry, Fail” message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

When I printed some pictures off of my digital camera, my computer gave me the following ERROR message:

An error has occured while attempting to print your pictures:
The operation was completed succesfully.

Monica Lewinsky virus……Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Titanic virus…………..Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus……………Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus………..Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus……………Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

Sharon Stone virus………Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

Lorena Bobbit virus……..Turns your hard disk into a 3.5inch floppy.

Tim Allen virus…………Appears helpful, only to destroy your harddrive upon contact.

Woody Allen virus……….Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Saddam Hussein virus…….Won’t let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus……..Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Joey Buttafuoco virus……Only attacks minor files.

X-files virus…………..All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl’s virus………Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus…Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call “E-mail Envy.”

6. It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you don’t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason “Why e-mail is like a penis.”

1. If you play with it too much, you’ll go blind!

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.4. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up crossing the room to close the door to his room.

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. “Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?” the man asked.

“Because,” replied the blonde, “my computer keeps telling me that I’ve got mail!”

A popular joke making the rounds in Redmond Washington has Bill Gates sending a sizzling e-mail to his chief financial officer, Greg Maffei: ‘You spent $150 million on what?????? ‘Don’t you listen? I said, ‘Snapple!”

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering
30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist.

“I am.” replies the man. “How did you know.”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “Everything you have told me is
technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says, “You must work in business.”

“I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are, or where
you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in
the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

It’s wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she look one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a deadfaint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here

Programming is a race between Software Developers (trying to create bigger
and better idiot proof programs) and the Universe (trying to create bigger
and better idiots). So far, the Universe is winning !

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb??
A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.