Category: computers

Title: ‘try this :-)’ $ nslookup – hastur.rlyeh.netand then: > set querytype=txt > set domain=adventureand then: > 1(and press enter :-P)

What happens when you play Country music records backwards?

You Sober up, your wife comes home and your dog returns to life!

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other…

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it’s a real easy game. He explains,”I ask a question and if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don’t know the answer I’ll pay you $5.” Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “O.K., if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don’t know the answer I pay you $50! ” Now, that got the Engineer’s attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” Then Engineer doesn’t say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer’s turn. He asks the Programmer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?” The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, “Well what’s the answer to the question?” Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

The gigantic computer took up a whole wall, dwarfing the two mathematicians standing before it. After much flashing and humming a sliver of paper emerged from the vitals of the machine. One mathematician, after studying it gravely, turned to the other and said with awe, “Do you realise that it would take four hundred ordinary mathematicians a hundred years of calculations to make a mistake this big?”

jel’kj pejg p]eoj ierpo

Ten ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer

10. Your monitor is found up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tabacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba”.
4. There’s a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There is a spit cup in the CD-ROM.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND, the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a
computer is …

1. The mouse is referred to as “Critter”.

What do you call a computer superhero?

A screen saver.

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version ofWindows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If youhave one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understandingthe commands.- The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.- It reads WINDAS 98 with a background picture of the East River with a floating body. It is shipped with a ‘NYPD BLUE’ screensaver.- Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled ‘Garbitch’- My Computer is called ‘My Freakin Computer,’- Dialup Networking is called ‘Good Fellas’,- Control Panel is known as the ‘da Tote Board,’- Hard Drive is referred to as ‘da trunk’, and….- Floppies are them ‘little Freakin plastic disc tings’.OTHER FEATURES:* Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars and Grafitti.* OK= do it I tell ya* Cancel = hell no* Reset = dis is ya last chance* Yes = a kay* No = na* Find = turn dis place ova* Insert = stick it in dere* Delete = rub it out* Help = can I get some help here* Stop = ya betta quit it* Start = let’s get a move on* Settings = da Fix* Programs = stuff* Documents = stuff dat I already doneAlso note that windas 98 does not recognize capital letters orpunctuation marks.Some programs that are exclusive to windas 98:- secritary………..A word processor- pitcha maker…….a Graphics program- numbers……calculator- scratch paper……notepad- boom-box…………CD player- da Web…………Microsoft Explorer- pitchas………….A graphics viewer- irs……………..M/S accounting software- irs2…………….M/S accounting software with hidden files- bookie…..Race track records tax records..usually an empty file- graffiti…screen saver- red light district….Internet connection- vinni’s…… Discount computer repairsWe regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy ofthe Brooklyn edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacementversion.

“Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”

[Uh-oh. Well, let’s give it a try anyway.] “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let’s try a different tack.] “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he’s kicked out his/her monitor’s power plug?]

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] “Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
[pause] “Yes, it is.”

[Hmm. Well, that’s interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don’t want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don’t know what kind of monitor s/he has and it’s bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
[muffled] “Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
[still muffled] “I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
[clear again] “No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle–it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”
“Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power–!?!” …[AAAAAAARGH!]”A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!”

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto,” and asked why it was so long.”Because,” my son explained, “they say it has to have at least four characters.”

My husband, his best friend, and I were out to lunch the other day when his friend pulled out his new Visor (a Palm-based PDA) with the Cingular-based cellphone attachment. We were discussing the limitations of the phone, namely that it can send instant messages to Cingular and Verizon cellphones, but not Internet-based email. He was attempting to demonstrate using my Verizon phone as the recipient.”Ok, so what’s your cell number?” he asked eagerly. After he tapped in the number and started composing a message, I realized something. “You know, we’re sitting less than four feet away from each other. . . .” I remarked.”Yeah,” my husband piped in.”You could just talk to each other.” “No, no, no,” I replied, opening my purse and taking out my Palm pilot.”I meant you could just beam it to me!”

It was only after their marriage, that Bill Gates’ wife found out why the
company was called ‘Microsoft’.