Category: computers

Murphy’s Technology Law #1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy’s Technology Law #2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy’s Technology Law #3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy’s Technology Law #4: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy’s Technology Law #5: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy’s Technology Law #6: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he’ll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy’s Technology Law #7: All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy’s Technology Law #8: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy’s Technology Law #9: All’s well that ends . . . period.

Murphy’s Technology Law #10: A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy’s Technology Law #11: The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy’s Technology Law #12: A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy’s Technology Law #13: New systems generate new problems.

Murphy’s Technology Law #14: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy’s Technology Law #15: We don’t know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy’s Technology Law #16: Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy’s Technology Law #17: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Warning to ALL women:

Husband : (Returning late form work) “Good Evening Dear, I’m now logged
in.”
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morn…
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found …
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied …
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just
being funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!…
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter.
Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use…
Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
Well, one is white, made of plastic, and dangerous for your kids to play with, and the other you put your groceries in.

President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited to have
dinner with God. During dinner He tells them: “I needed three important
people to send my message out to all the people: Tomorrow I will destroy
the Earth.”

Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces: “I have two
really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow he will destroy the
earth.”

Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces: “I have good
news and bad news. The good news is God really does exist; the bad news is
tomorrow he’s destroying the Earth.”

Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees: “I have two pieces of
great news. First, I am one of the three most important people on earth,
and second, I think I’ve got the Y2K problem fixed.”

Michael Jordan used to make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a
minute assuming he averaged about 30 minutes a game.

Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he was making
$178,100 a day, working or not.

Assuming he slept 7 hours per night, he made $52,000 every night
while visions of sugarplums danced in his head.

If he went to a movie, it cost him $9.00 (with a small pop), but
he made $18,550 while he was there.

If he decided to have a 5 minute egg, he made $618.00 while it
was boiling.

He made $7,415.00 per hour more than the minimum wage.

He made $3,710.00 while watching an episode of “The Jeffersons.”

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would
take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone had to hand him his salary and endorsement money,
they would have to hand him $2.00 every second.

He probably paid around $200.00 for a nice round of golf but he
was reimbursed $33,390.00 for that round.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made,
you’d be living comfortably at $65,000.00 per year.

Last year, he made twice as much as all of our past presidents
for all their terms combined.

Amazing isn’t it?

But: Michael will have to save 100% of all of his income coming
in for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill
Gates.

In lame man’s terms, or the translation is: I guess you can say
that Nerds Rule! LOL 🙂 HA HA

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Three women are sitting in a bar talking about their love lives.

The first one says, “My husband is an architect. When we make love it has power, it has form, it has function. It’s incredible!”

The second one says, “My husband is an artist. When we make love it has passion, it has emotion, it has vision. It’s wonderful!”

The third woman sighs and sips her margarita, then says, “My husband works for Microsoft. When we make love, he just sits at the end of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when it gets here.”

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) [email protected]

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) [email protected]

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) [email protected]

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) [email protected]

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University)[email protected]

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home decorating)[email protected]

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University)[email protected]

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University)[email protected]

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) [email protected]

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcoc (Toys “R” Us)[email protected]

REDMOND, WA–In what CEO Bill Gates called’an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors,’ the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.With the patent, Microsoft’s rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones–the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs–unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.’Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975,’ Gates told reporters. ‘For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals.’A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.’While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes,’ said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. ‘The licensing fees we’d have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company.”If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog,’ said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, ‘and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs.’As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop ‘an abacus for the next millennium.’ Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft. ‘We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours,’ Gates said. ‘Among Microsoft’s vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as ‘sunya,’ or nothing. ‘We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or ‘one’; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or ‘the cipher’; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre’s Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers.’Added Gates: ‘My salary also has lots of zeroes. I’m the richest man in the world.’According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft’s patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized.’Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence,’ Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. ‘In other words, pretty much everything.’Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week.Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling.In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company’s latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind.’Think of this as a partnership,’ Gates said. ‘Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world’s richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes.’

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.House, in French, is feminine-la maison. Pencil, in French, is masculine-le crayon.One puzzled student asked, What gender is computer?The teacher did not know, and the word wasn’t in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether computer should be a masculine or feminine noun.Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men’s group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer), because:1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you’d waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.The women won.

If Timex ran Christmas…The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

One of Microsoft’s finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”