Category: computers

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331:

• 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
• 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
• to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
• 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
• 53 to flame the spell checkers
• 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
• 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
• 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
• 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
• 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
• 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
• 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
• 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
• 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
• 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”
• 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
• 19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”
• 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
• 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
• 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
• 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it’s a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn’t ask for them, Wife1.0 came with plug-ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features I’d like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0… – A ‘Don’t remind me again’ button – Minimize button – Shutdown feature – An installshield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don’t lose cache and other objects) – ‘Abort’ button I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn’t have an uninstall program. I tried to unstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks — in all versions of Girlfriend that I’ve used is that it is totally ‘object orientated’ and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts. ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit.  As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows XP on my PC.  I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows XP CD.  To my surprise he threw it into my microwave oven and turned it on.  Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said:  “Do not worry, it is unharmed.”After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said:  “Take a close look at it.”   To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before.  At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I had ever seen before.  The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE820945092OF923A40EElOE5 IOCC98D444AA08EI324″I cannot understand the fiery letters,” I said in a timid voice.”No but I can,” he said.  “The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here.  But in common English this is what it says:”‘One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.'”It is only two lines from a verse long known in System-lore:”‘Three OS’s from corporate-kings in their towers of glass, Seven from valley-lords where orchards used to grow, Nine from dotcoms doomed to die, One from the Dark Lord Gates on his dark throne In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie. One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them, One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them, In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.'”

What is this dangling, this jangling, this cord
that’s hanging and dangling from this motherboard?
It fits in the phone jack, I plugged it, I tried!
I heard not a dialtone, no ringer, no bell,
but speedy quick dialing to Internet Hell.
They asked for my name, oh my! Who then am I?
So I made up a handle called “SuperStudGuy.”
I knew all the women would read it and swarm.
I polished my fingertips; best keyboard form.
I hunted for nudies and pictures of smut,
but found only swimsuits and one lovely butt.
The menus, the options, the choices, Oh my!
‘Till “IRC Client” detected my eye.
I lept to the keyboard like tigers to meat.
Excitement, delightment, enticement, it’s NEAT!
Alone in the chat room, oh dang it, oh darn!
Where are the people to spin me a yarn?
Then in through the exit, that digital door
came person, and people and threeple, and more!
Words went a’flying by, line after line.
The best I could read it was once every nine.
I piped in “Hello there” awaiting reply,
but no one acknowledged me, SuperStudGuy.
Ranting and raving and calling them names,
accused them of cliquery frickery games!
Then I was befriended by “Horny&Free,”
who taught me the lingo of Internet-ese.
In private, so private, I found why I’m here
while Horny&Free told me why I’m so dear.
The words drew us closer and closer, oh please!
And I could still type with ONE hand on the keys!
Then while I was wiping my monitor stand
Horny&Free told me she was a man.
So while I was sopping up chunks from the desk,
Incessant loud beeping aroused my unrest.
The insults were flying, and crashing, and burned!
And I was the brunt of the grunting, I learned!
They thrashed me and trashed me and flamed my good name
with nither a quiver of reason, for shame!
With digital torches ablazing they crushed,
SuperStudGuy stood the challenge and cussed.
A kind soul informed me a hotkey so great.
I thanked him, preparing to lay them to waste.
Configured my fingers on “Alt” and “F4.”
I’ll show you, you geekos! You snotbellied snits!
I’ll press this and send all your keyboards to fits!
You cross me? How dare you? It’s such a bad scene!
I pressed it and stared at the pretty blank screen.
I yanked on the phone cord and yelped a bad word.
These people! This keyboard! It’s silly absurd!
I dialed once again just to show they can’t win
but ran into “SexyOne” on my way in.
Maybe this Internet thing could be grand?
But this time, I’ll type using just my RIGHT hand.

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin.
Somebody asked her how that could be possible.

“Well,” she said. “The first time I married an octogenarian and he
died before we could consummate the marriage.”

“The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our
wedding day.”

“The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just
sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going
to be.”

Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies
————————————-

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. You with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am
sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them
out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.

20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short
rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a
thorough extermination.

21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up
together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate
feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

Some winners of the Salon http://www.salon1999.com/ Haiku Error Messages contest:Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred. – – – – – – – – – – – -Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy? – – – – – – – – – – – -A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone. – – – – – – – – – – – -Errors have occurred. We won’t tell you where or why. Lazy programmers. – – – – – – – – – – – -Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return. – – – – – – – – – – – -Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system. – – – – – – – – – – – -This site has been moved. We’d tell you where, but then we’d have to delete you. – – – – – – – – – – – -wind catches lily scatt’ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault – – – – – – – – – – – -ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much. – – – – – – – – – – – -First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully. – – – – – – – – – – – -With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: ‘My Novel’ not found. – – – – – – – – – – – -The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner. – – – – – – – – – – – -The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist – – – – – – – – – – – -Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down – – – – – – – – – – – -There is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can’t bridge – – – – – – – – – – – -Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that – – – – – – – – – – – -To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy – – – – – – – – – – – -You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here. – – – – – – – – – – – -Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will. – – – – – – – – – – – -Having been erased, The document you’re seeking Must now be retyped. – – – – – – – – – – – -The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone. – – – – – – – – – – – -Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank

OCR – Optical Character RecognitionA technology that can take written words and convert them back into computer-readable form, provided they’re in the right font, using the correct colors sometimes, at the right point size and pitch, dark enough on the paper, and you’re prepared to spend several centuries correcting all the 1’s that came out as l’s, all the O’s that came out as 0’s, and all the :’s that come out like ;’s.

Re: Vacation Pay Date: January 5, 2000Dear Valued Employee:Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 102 year(s). As I’m sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,430 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,224 months. Sincerely,Automated Payroll Processing

• Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
• Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
• Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
• Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
• Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
• Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
• Thou shalt not forward any chain letter
• Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
• Thou shald not pely on the privacy of e-mail, eqpecially from work.
• When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
• That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

END OF THE WORLD NOTIFICATION:
When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?
————-
USA Today:
WE’RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER

Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:
‘BYE

Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW
THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady’s Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft’s Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN’T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun:
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!