Category: computers

Top 15 Signs That You’ve Had Too Much Of the 90’s

15. You try to enter your password on the microwave

14. You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

13. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

12. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back ”What’s for dinner?”

11. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

10. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

9. Your daughter just bought on CD, all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

8. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen.

7. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date. And now sells for half the price you paid.

6. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

5. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of you car.

4. Your reason for not staying in touch with your family is that they do not have e-mail address.

3. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

2. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

And the Number 1 sign that your had too much of the 90’s….

1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

If Dell ran Christmas…Wait a minute? Isn’t IBM running this Christmas..?

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak’s
column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I
have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling
on. Let me try and explain. It’s about my son, Billy. He’s
always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring
we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We
sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps
with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire–you
know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight
reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in
Tibetan knot tying.

I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went
last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto
beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a
brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We
should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known.
He left three weeks ago. I don’t know what’s happened. He’s
changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself. These are some of
my little Billy’s letters.

**********
Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the
only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is
the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night.
We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic
Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I’m getting used
to it now. Gotta go, it’s time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh?
It’s spell checked too.

**********
Dear Mom,
Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by
the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I
don’t have much of a tan ’cause we don’t go outside very often.
You can’t see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That
wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off,
Mom. I’m okay, really.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mom,
I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the
best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm
code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says
it’s okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket
protector and a box of blank diskettes. I’ve got to chip in on
the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a
computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.

**********
Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay.
Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good
at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I
got into the university’s in less than fifteen minutes.
Frederick did it in five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick
is my bunk partner. He’s really smart. He says that I shouldn’t
call myself Billy anymore. So, I’m not.
Signed, William.

**********
Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get so
upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t
real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me,
the tape on them is cool. I thought that you’d be proud of my
program. After all, I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is
sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six
weeks of camp. I won’t be home until late August.
Regards, William.

**********
Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True–physically I am only ten
years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try
again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the
bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not
kidding. O.K.? I won’t write again and this is your only
warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain
me.
Sincerely, William.

**********

See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from my
little boy. What can I do, Mr. Dvorak? I know that it’s probably
too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these
letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming,
please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very much.

Sally Gates,

Concerned Parent

A computer salesman, a hardware engineer, and a software engineer are
driving in a car together. Suddenly the right rear tire blows out, ahd the
car rolls to a stop. Our three heroes pile out to investigate.

The salesman tsk-tsks sadly. “Time to buy a new car!” he announces.

Says the hardware engineer, “Well, first let’s try swapping the front and
rear tires, and see if that fixes it.”

Replies the software engineer, “Now, let’s just try driving the car again,
and maybe the problem will go away by itself.”

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

“If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?”

Only one man sat motionless among the ensuing forest of raised hands. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team’s software, he said, the plane was unlikely to taxi as far as the runway let alone take off.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the houseNot a creature was stirring, except Papa’s mouse.The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.The stockings were hung by the modem with careIn hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.The children were nestled all snug in their beds,While visions of computer games danced in their heads.Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,To [email protected] -Which has now been re-routed to Washington StateBecause Santa’s workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddleTo flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,And a house on Lake Washington that’s just down the wayFrom where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preensIn black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.The elves have stock options and desks with a view,Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums(ahem – pardon me)No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drumsWill be under the tree, only compact disk ROMSWith the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.More rapid than eagles the competitors came,And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.’Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,It is Microsoft’s SANTA that the kids can’t resist,It’s the ultimate software with a traditional twist -Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.Get ’em young, keep ’em long, is Microsoft’s scheme,And a merger with Santa is a marketer’s dream.To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!Now dash away! dash away! dash away – wow!’And Mama in her ‘kerchief and I in my cap,Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.And there on the screen was a smiling Bill GatesNext to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Version 6.0: Open a blank document, and type T3!. Select all three
characters and press the Bold button on the toolbar. Next, go to the
Format menu, select AutoFormat, and press OK. When prompted, click the
Accept button to accept the formatting changes. Finally, select About from
the Help menu. Click on Microsoft Word icon in upper-left corner.

Version 7.0: Open a blank document and type the word Blue. Select the
word, then go to the Format menu and choose Font. Select Bold, and change
the word’s color to Blue. Press OK, then put a space after the word Blue.
Go to the Help menu, choose About, then click on the Word logo in the
upper-left corner. This will take you to the Word Pinball game that
appears with the names of the developers. The Z and M keys control the
flippers, and ESC returns you to Word!

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn’t mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I’m sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn’t be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she’ll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it.

I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love,

Your Wife

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
“Who’s been eating my porridge,” he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!
“Who’s been eating my porridge!,” he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells –
“For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this?”

“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who got up first.”
“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who woke everybody else in the house up.”
“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who made the Coffee.”
“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.”
“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.”
“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who set the table.”
“It was ‘Momma Bear’ who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water & food dish.”

“And, now that you’ve decided to come downstairs and grace ‘Momma Bear’ with your presence, …listen good, ’cause I’m only going to say this one time…
“I haven’t made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!”

*Make up fake acronyms. On-line veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and RTFM (read the f…… manual) to show that they’re “hip” to the lingo. Make up your own that don’t stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for (“You don’t know? RDFM”).*WRITE ALL YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON’T USE PERIODS OR RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!!! AND DDOOUUBBLLEESS TO SHOW THAT YOU’RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!!!!*When replying to your mail, correct everyone’s grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don’t otherwise respond to the content of their messages. When they respond testily to your ‘creative criticism,” do it again. Continue until they go away.*Software and files offered on-line are often “compressed” so that it won’t take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word E-mail responses like “Thanks.”*Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like “SexyHouseWives,” then see how many people download them. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on. Take bets and calculate odds on the results of each upload’s popularity.*cc: all your E-mail to ([email protected] ) so that he can keep track of what’s happening on the information Superhighway Internet.*Join a discussion group, and tie whatever’s being discussed back to an unrelated central theme of your own. For instance, if you’re in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct all other members to ignore you.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”