Category: computers

You know it’s time to turn your computer off and read a book
when…

1. A friend calls and says “How are you? Your phone’s been busy
– – for a year!!!”

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, “LOL, LOL!”

4. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said, “YOU’VE
GOT MAIL.”

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and
45 minutes.

6. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your
car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”

10. You get a second line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen
name on it.

12. You say “he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.

13. You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what is was you said.

14. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending
an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off-line and you wish that
you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online
for a while.

18. “Where did the time go??”

19. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person
to sign on.

20, You get up in the morning and go online before having
breakfast.

21. You end your sentences with three or more periods…….

22. You’ve gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.

23. You think faster than the computer.

24. You enter a chat room and get greeted by 25 people with
{{(hugs}}} and **kisses**.

25. Being called a “newbie” is a major insult to you.

26. You’re on the phone and you say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood
shot eyes.

28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like
this….”BRB. leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP.”

29. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-Life.

What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash, Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash! If the above doesn’t help with your computer troubles, perhaps this will.If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

“Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We
have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We
have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and
historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y-to-K” date change
mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data
to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June,
Julk, August, September, October, November, December

As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to
K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global
problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does
the year 2000 have to do with it?

Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two
digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We’ll await your direction.”

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen.”

The surprised salesman replies, “But, madam, computers do not have curtains.”

And the blonde said, “Helloooo…. I’ve got Windows!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Many colleges and business’s tend to strip the last name down to 6
characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or
end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson =
mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the
problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people
to choose from.
Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have
some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individualinvolved,
however:

TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
===============================

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) – [email protected]

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) – [email protected]

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) –
[email protected]

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) –
[email protected]

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) – [email protected]

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) –
[email protected]

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) – [email protected]

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) – [email protected]

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,
Overton
Canada) – [email protected]

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys “R” Us) – [email protected]

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets can’t even get aboard.

1.) THE PRINTER SHREDDER: This simple device can be added on to any printer, and will shred any document the comes out of it. 2.) FAKE MOUSE:a fake mouse runs in a wheel that is connected to your computer. as the mouse spins slower/faster, your screen will become darker/lighter “yeah. I just installed it. It really saves on power costs.” 3.) AUTO BAD SPELLER: This program can take any document, randomly choose correctly spelled world and then spell them incorrectly. 4.) TALKING COMPUTER: This simple program, when put on someone’s computer, whispers “psst! Hey Bob!” at random intervals. 5.) SMOKER: This simple add on makes a monitor smoke. The amount of smoke will increase with the length of time the computer is used. 6.) RANDOM ERROR: When installed, this will generate insensible error messages extremely often, no matter what they are doing at the time. 7.) TRACER: This program will generate messages such as “you have been traced trying to hack into the Pentagon’s secret files. The SWAT team has been dispatched and will arrive shortly. they have been advised to shoot to kill.” while the person is working on the internet. 8.) COPUTER BOMB: Fake computer bomb. When the victim turns his computer on, his screen will be filled with the message: “WARNING computer bomb has been detected in system. It will be activated in ten seconds. Please enter deactivation code.” after ten seconds the computer will turn itself off and refuse to come on again until he next day. 9.) CD LASER: This is just like an ordinary CD-ROM except in one respect. Its laser is higher powered, so when the computer reads CD it erases all the information from it. 10.) WINDOWS ’95: This is the most evil one yet. it has random and insensible error messages, it has no storage system, it is impossible to understand, and is generally a complete disaster. in short, it is no different from the real thing.

In the aftermath of the AOL/Time-Warner merger, it has been leaked that Yahoo! is taking over the following companies: Disney Data General United Health Care.The names of the new mega company will be:Hoo-Dis, Hoo-Dat, and Hoo-Cares.

While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000, and most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also be fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in case unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our customers.

Enclosed with this memo is a “Y2K Backup System” device designed to meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations failure, or operational delay. This device is the company’s Primary Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.).

This device has been field tested extensively, including certification testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained, the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input. Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing. Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding device;and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes).

Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core area must be exposed to properly function. (Left-handed employees should read this sentence backwards, and then go to your supervisor for assistance.)

Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single line.

CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above.

Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols as closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use. At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the device off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat redundant, but, with practice, you should be able to increase your speed and accuracy.

The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual deletion device. The device is located on the reverse end of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions operate similarly to the “backspace” key on your computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data, and pull it backwards over the letters. This should remove the error, and enable you to resume data entries.

CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device.Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above.

This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if technical support is required, you can still call our local computer desk supervisor.

The bathroom scale manufacturer was very proud of the new model being introduced at the trade fair.”Listen to these features: it’s calibrated to one-one-hundredth of a pound; it can measure your height as well, in feet or meters; it gives you a readout via an LED or human-voice simulator; and that’s not all…””Very impressive,” interrupted a none-too-slender sales rep for a chain of home furnishings stores, “but before I place an order I’ll have to try it out.” “Be my guest,” said the manufacturer graciously.No sooner had the sales rep taken his place on the scale than a loud, very human-sounding voice issued forth: “One at a time, please, one at a time!”

Bill Gates to his broker:
“You bought a $150 million of WHAT?!?!? I said SNAPPLE!!!!”