Category: computers

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for ‘equalization’ of color combinations on the tree.

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That’s great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-333, with 64 Megs of RAM, a 6 Gig hard drive, and a 32X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That’s terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don’t know what any of it means!!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That’s exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don’t know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you’re going to train me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do you want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That’s true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn’t actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbot: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don’t have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don’t say it, ”Start!”
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that’s what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don’t be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it’s about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,
000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally…

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day’s not so bad, is it?

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

IBM: I’ve Been Mislead

10. “Erin Brockovich Gets Her Face Chewed Off by Rats”

9. “Mary Poppins A Cap In Your Ass”

8. “Bitch-Slapping Miss Daisy”

7. “How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2: Whoopi Goldberg’s Bikini Wax”

Oh, for God’s sake. I’m sorry we had to print that one.

6. “Peyote Ugly”

5. “Circumcision: The Purification Begins”

4. “Thou Hast Deflowered My Daughter: An Amish Ass-kickin'”

3. “Field of Limbs”

2. “Terminal Velocity 2” starring Christopher Reeve

1. “How the Grinch Stole My Urethra”

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:

“Nerds Not Allowed — Enter At Your Own Risk!”

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.
“You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”

“I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I’m hauling.”

“Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,” he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

“Why did you do that?”

“Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.”

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

“What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season,” says the truck driver.
“Well, sure,” says the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ’em!”

YOU WRITE IN ALL CAPS. ALL THE TIME. oR YoU StIlL WrItE EmAiLs iN AlTeRnAtInG CaSe.

You believe what people say in chatrooms is actually the truth, and that girl in it really WILL love you for ever. …even though she hasn’t seen you and you haven’t seen her!

You really believe the “get rich quick” scams you receive in e-mail will work.

You can’t associate surfing with web pages.

You regularly report things you find on USENET to your ISP.

You still believe in the modem tax.

You think you saw it on your last phone bill.

A *Virus Warning* that you once read now makes you panic whenever you get a message saying: Returned Mail: Host Unknown

Every time you’ve posted a message to a newsgroup, you’ve been flamed by at least ten people.

You’ve been flamed several times, but you still don’t know the meaning of the term.

You post messages saying “UNSUBSCRIBE” to the mailing list that you’ve subscribed to….spelled “UNSUBIBE,” “UNSUBSCIBE,” UNSBSCRIB,” etc…

You think spam is a type of lunch meat.

You can’t tell the difference between a web URL and an e-mail address.

Your message submission from a submit form says:

“Enter your submission here.”

You think flaming someone involves a lighter and an aerosol can.

One day a lawyer and a girl were flying on a airplane Then the
lawyer asks her if she wanted to play a game the girl
ignored him so the lawyer explained it anyways I’ll
ask u a question and if you get it wrong the u will give me 5 $
and vise versa and the girl still ignored him so he said
if i get a question wrong i’ll give u 50 dollars and u only have
to give me 5 dollars. so the girl with some interest now
decided to play the game

So the guy goes how far is the moon away from the earth? So
the girl reaches in her purse and gives the man 5 dollars
Then the girl asked him what goes up a hill with 3 legs and
comes down with 4 since the lawyer didn’t know he gave
the girl 50 $ and asks her what is the answer?
then the girl reaches into her purse and give the man 5 $

AMISH VIRUS:

You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files.

Thank thee.

1. Home is where you hang your @.2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.5. Great groups from little icons grow.6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.7. C: is the root of all directories.8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.10. The modem is the message.11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.12. The geek shall inherit the earth.13. A chat has nine lives.14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.15. Fax is stranger than fiction.16. What boots up must come down.17. Windows will never cease.18. Virtual reality is its own reward.19. Modulation in all things.20. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.21. There’s no place like home.com.22. Know what to expect before you connect.23. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.24. Speed thrills.25. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

Tech: “I think I know from where your problems stem. Would you, could you, RTFM?”

User: “I would not, could not, RTFM I want *YOU* to solve my problem.”

Tech: “Could you read the docs online? Would you read them any time?”

User: “I would not read the docs online, Without them I can do just fine.”

Tech: “Would you read a FAQ or HOWTO? Is this something you could do?”

User: “I could not read a FAQ or HOWTO. Even the thought makes me spew.”

Tech: “What could I suggest next? Would you read it in HyperText?”

User: “I would not read help in hypertext, For the problem with which I am vexed.”

Tech: “How about if you could read it through A conveniently placed system menu?”

User: “I will not access help from a menu. That stuff is a bunch of ballyhoo!”

Tech: “How much simpler could this be? Did you try the help hotkey?”

User: “I’ll try not a help hotkey, To that I will never agree! ”

User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want *you* to solve my problem!”

Tech: “Since you will not RTFM, You I must now condemn”

Tech: “To a life without working software, And a constant feeling of despair.”

Tech: “You should read a book by Dr. Suess, Or maybe something by Mother Goose.”