Category: computers

Can any of you relate to these “addiction” quips? I sure can

The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

The remote to the T.V. is missing…and you don’t even care.
You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month “unlimited!”
You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
The last girl you picked up was a 800×66 jpeg.
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP …because you never log off!
Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed with us.”

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.

You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.

You have comandeered your teenager’s phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

You check your email. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again…and again…and again…

You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.

Your dog has its own home page.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You’re surprised to learn there’s also a 2 o’clock in the “afternoon”.
You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.
Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye’s.
Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was,and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I’m toned and perfect. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3″ and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner – it smells a little funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping. I’m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back and undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!

Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I’m wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a ‘plop’

Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out, nibbling on your … umm … wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I’m on the bed, aching for you.

Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark. I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tugging off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately – our naked bodies pressing against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don’t you take off you glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom. It’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my … you know … thing … in your … you know … woman’s thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet, nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

15> Keeps suggesting that you demonstrate the depth of your devotion to each other by exchanging credit card numbers.

14> His IM messages are chockablock with correct grammar usage and impeccable spelling.

13> Subject: “Handsome Nigerian Prince Needs Your Help To Deliver 45M US Kisses”

12> Given [email protected]’s desperate, cheesy come-ons, it’s gotta be fake… right?

11> She claims to be both a pop superstar *and* a virgin.

10> She keeps saying she knows an all-natural, healthy way to increase your manly length by five to ten inches.

9> Says your engagement ring is available “FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY!!”

8> Small trouble: refers to self in third person.

Big trouble: alternates between “he” and “she.”

7> Strange that a Victoria’s Secret model can get so worked up over a “Star Wars” vs. “Star Trek” debate.

6> Your best friend is also involved with an animated paper clip. Could there be two?

5> “… and then I started Top5, which has brought me international fame and millions of dollars. So what do you do?”

4> He’s the third astrophysicist this week to ask you to forward a picture of your boobs.

3> Responds to your e-mails with “Are you the Nykeela who’s 25 and like walks along the beach or the Nykeela who’s so hot she makes the sun seem like a flickering candle?”

2> “Hello, $RECIPIENT_NAME, you’re like no other $GENDER I’ve ever met. I think I’m falling in $EMOTION with you!”

1> Your 17-year-old hottie slips up and mentions how bad it was in Nam.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, that’s a hardware problem!

If you think you’re having a bad day…read these true stories!

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally…….

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes matter into her own hands.

One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor. She pulls open the jacket and yells, “Time for Super Sex”!!!!!.

He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, “Super Sex” “Super Sex” “Super Sex”.

Finally, he replies, “Ok, I’ll take the soup.”

Why Dogs don’t surf the web…

Can’t stick their heads out of Windows 2000.
Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.
Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manouever.
Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.masters.leg.
Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

Windows NT Beer — Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer’s, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer’s – after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an “industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was “not” changing his mind.Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, “I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there “is” a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.”Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, “I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there “is” a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.”Bill Gates went back and told his staff, “I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don’t have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was “GoofyMickeyMinniePluto” and so I asked why it was so long.

“Because,” my son explained, “they said it had to have at least four characters.”

El Explicito – “I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but
now it doesn’t, ya know?”

Advantages: Provides interesting communication challenges.

Disadvantages: So do chimps.

Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns

Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said,
“I can’t get what I want!” The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on
his belt-buckle, and said, “Well, ma’am, you’ve come to the right place.”

————————————————————————

Mad Bomber – “Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and now
it looks all weird.”

Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.

Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without
meaning to.

Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio
in WordPerfect

Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was
underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he’d set and
unset underline more than fifty times in his document.

————————————————————————

Frying Pan/Fire Tactician – “It didn’t work with the data set we had, so I
fed in my aunt’s recipe for key lime pie.”

Advantages: Will usually fix error.

Disadvantages: ‘Fix’ is defined VERY loosely here.

Symptoms: A tendency to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing
them.

Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but didn’t do
anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that
they’d commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, “Well, that was the only
way I could get it to compile.”

————————————————————————

Shaman – “Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and
formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile.”

Advantages: Gives insight into primitive mythology.

Disadvantages: Few scon are anthropology majors.

Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelevant objects.

Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their disks
got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I
suspect nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted
information went *somewhere*, they wouldn’t shut up until the scon checked
four different disks for the missing information.

————————————————————————

X-user – “Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite
impressive, really.”

Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.

Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in
graphics technology.

Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness

Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC
station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my laughter
while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like
they were doing exactly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn’t
log in.

————————————————————————

Miracle Worker – “But it read a file from it yesterday!” ‘Sir, at a guess,
this disk has been swallowed and regurgitated.’ “But I did that a month
ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!”

Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren’t around.

Disadvantages: People complain when scon actually use the word
‘horse-puckey’.

Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you’re around. Must be
the kryptonite in your pocket.

Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they’ve loaded IBM
WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.

————————————————————————

Taskmaster – “Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can
upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto
an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?”

Advantages: Bold new challenges.

Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.

Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendencies to make machines
do things they don’t want to do.

Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person’s
E-mail address was even though the user didn’t know his target’s home
system, account name, or real name.

————————————————————————

Maestro – “Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this,
and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited
my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this,
and after that I picked my nose, like this.”

Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.

Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.

Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, “Right, right, okay, but what
was the ERROR?”, and a strong fondness for the phrase, “Well, I’m getting
to that.”

Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user’s shoulder
while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that
they did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87 copies of
the same thing).

————————————————————————

Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) “I
need a Mac, and someone’s got the one I like reserved, would you please
garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?”

Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.

Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on
this planet.

Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.

Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he
(the user) didn’t like it.