Category: computers

1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.

2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you,but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let’s show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?

3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?

4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you’re starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we’ll bring back your buddy list, OK?

5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can’t you just finish up and go read a good book?!

6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?

7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line?

8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord!

9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is??

10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit.

11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn’t think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke!

12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off?

13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already!

14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM… See job application enclosed!

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being, well, a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.”

Ebonics Version of Windows ’98 Debuts!

Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled “It be a fresh Window.” It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users.

There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.

When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a “phat getto track that melts ’em down wit dope-ass bass,” The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall – along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.

On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with “Dis My Shit.”

The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster.

If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With “Da Hood.”

Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: “Marquee,” a lil’ G spray- painting dirty words that move across the screen; or “Flying Bullets,” a ’64 Olds’ loaded with gangstas doing a desktop drive by.

Users of the Ebonics version will notice several command and dialogue box changes:

1. Break Back In = Re-entry
2. Aww Shit = Error
3. U Betta Recognize = Delete
4. Itz All Good = OK
5. 4 Real Doe =Yes
6. Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel
7. Do Dat Shit Again = Reset
8. R U Crazy = Are You Sure
9. Hunt Dat Bitch Down = Find
10. Put A Cap In It = Delete
11. Games & Shit = Programs
12. Letter Shit = Documents

The Ebonics version comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works titled “Homie Essentials.”

The word processing program greatly differs from the main-stream program. Several words on the title bar have been changed:

1. Dat Thang = File
2. I Be Seein’ It = View
3. Put Sumpin In = Insert
4. Hook It Up = Format
5. Stuff I Ain’t gone Need =Tools
6. Number Shit = Table
7. Break In = Window
8. What Da F*C@*K@? = Help

Note: “Stuff I ain’t gone need” (Tools) does not include spelling or grammar check options, and Auto Correct has been replaced with “Keepin’ it Real.”

George Carlin’s Reflections on Life:

1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is!

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” I said, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too!”

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Programmers Sayings…

”BASIC – A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.” — Anon.

”I speak BASIC to clients, 1-2-3 to management, and mumble to myself.” — Anon.

”If you’re masochistic enough to program in ADA, we’re not going to stop you.” — Matt Welsh

”Don’t get suckered in by the comments … they can terribly be misleading.” — Dave Storer

”If we can dispel the delusion that learning about computers should be an activity of fiddling with array indexes and worrying whether X is an integer or a real number, we can begin to focus on programming as a source of ideas.” — Harold Abelson

”Optimization hinders evolution.” — Anon.

”Programming graphics in X is like finding the square root of PI using Roman numerals.” — Henry Spencer

”The best book on programming for the layman is Alice in Wonderland; but that’s because it’s the best book on anything for layman.” — Anon.

”The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone is responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity can be created in the form of computer programs.” — Joseph Weizenbaum

”C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.” — Bjarne Stroustrup

”He who hasn’t hacked assemply language as a youth has no heart. He who does as an adult has no brain.” — John Moore

”Pascal keeps your hand tied. C gives you enough rope to hang yourself.” — Anon.

”Perl – The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.” — Keith Bostic

”A program is a spell cast over a computer, turning input into error messages.” — Anon.

”Real programmers are those that can sleep in front of terminals … with their eyes opened.” — ricS

”Real programmers can write assembly code in any language.” — Larry Wall

”Real programmers don’t work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am it’s because they were up all night.” — Anon.

”Real programmers don’t write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can’t decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.” — Anon.

”There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.” — C.A.R. Hoare

”A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked.” — John Gall

”A crash is when your competitor’s program dies. When your program dies, it is an ‘idiosyncrasy’. Frequently, crashes are followed with a message like ‘ID 02’. ‘ID’ is an abbreviation for idiosyncrasy and the number that follows indicates how many more months of testing the product should have had.” — Guy Kawasaki

”There are two ways to write error-fre

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9. Windows message: “Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)”

10.This is a message from God Gates: “Rebooting the world. Please log off.”

11.To “shut down” your system, type “WIN.”

12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

13.COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20.User Error: Replace user.

21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)”

22.Welcome to Microsoft’s World – Your Mortgage is Past Due…

23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn’t it feel nice to have security?

24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Customer: “Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.”

Tech Support: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It’s defective.”

Tech Support: “You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa.”

Customer: (sputter) (click)

Tech Support: (snicker)

************

Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then came over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer.

As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to WAIT until the paper came out on its own. Problem solved.

************

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow.

I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, “Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow construction paper?”

************

Customer: “Hello? I’m trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, ‘No Carrier,’ on my screen. What’s wrong?”

************

I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing “A:” and then the name of the program. My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn’t type the “dot over dot thingie” and that every time he tried to type the “dot over dot thingie” he kept getting the “dot over comma thingie” no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key.

When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.

************

This guy calls in to complain that he gets an “Access Denied” message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.

Tech Support: “OK, let’s try once more, but use lower case letters.”

Customer: “Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard.”

************

My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied, “It’s about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!”

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, “I’m not Santa Claus.”

July 18 – I just tried to connect to America Online. I’ve heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I’d better hold onto it incase they don’t ever send me anther one! I can’t connect. I don’t know what is wrong.

July 19 – Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don’t see why. He’s just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 – I bought the modem. I couldn’t figure out where it goes. It wouldn’t fit in the monitor or the printer. I’m confused.

July 23 – I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don’t work. I cant get online.

July 25 – That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He’s so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that’s just another service. What a modest kid. He’s so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he’s smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn’t even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn’t know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26- What’s the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I’m confused.

July 27 – The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he’s not so modest after all.

July 28 -I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 – I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I’m connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 – These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 – I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN’T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN’T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1- I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 – I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 – I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON’T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 – THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 – SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 – SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 – Why have a Caps Lock key if you’re not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 – I just read this post called make money fast. I’m so exited. I’m going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 – I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 – I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 – I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I’ve looked and looked but I can’t find that group.

August 12 -I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he’s laughing so hard he can’t eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don’t know why the rec.humor group didn’t like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 – I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I’m also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 – Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don’t have an account at his bank. He’s so dumb.

If Sony ran Christmas…Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

Monday
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use
password retrieval utility called FDISK. They thank me and hang
up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn’t access reports database.
Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, Well, it works for me.
Let them rant while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and
plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One
more happy customer…
11:00am
Quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug phone back in so I can
call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this
weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial
closet.
12:00pm
Lunch
3:30pm
Return from lunch.
4:23pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts. Ask
them what chip set they’re using. Tell them to call back when
they find out.

Tuesday
9:00am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. Love to, but kinda busy. I yell as I grab
for the support lines, which have(mysteriously) lit up. Walks
away grumbling.
9:35pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them to
hang on. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID.
Tell her I need employee number, and marital status. Run
@DbLookup against parole board database, CDC database, and my
Oprah database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight, I
offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in
basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch
console while I grab a smoke.
1:00pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so
he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled
floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of
not
running in computer room, even if I do yell Omigod — Fire!
2:00pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to
check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell
her it
probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape
over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer
to create new ID for her while she does that.
2:49pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday
8:30am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on
form. Tell them of course, they should have been checking
Bitset, not
chipset. Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
10:00am
meeting with me.
10:00am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
manager’s office. He says he can’t dismiss me but can suggest
several
lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in
third-world countries. I ask if he’s aware of new bug which
takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all
references to handcuffs and Bambi in Marketing on the corporate
Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web
browser, and Tums.
10:30am
Tell Louie he’s doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe
corporate PBX system sometime.
11:00am
Lunch.
4:55pm
Return from lunch.
5:00pm
Shift change; Going home.

Thursday
8:00am
New guy (Marvin) started today. “Nice plaids” I offer. Set him
up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same
in both monochrome and color.
8:45am
New guy’s PC finishes booting up. Tell him I’ll create new ID
for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. Nice plaids Louie
comments. Is this guy great or what?!
11:00am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out
of sleeves (Always have backups).
5:00pm
Shift change. Flick HR’s server off and on several times (just
testing the On/Off button…). See ya tomorrow.

Friday
8:00am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server.
Told them it worked fine before I left.
9:00am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these
calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can’t replicate. Me and
the Oiuji board determine it’s sunspots. Tell them to call
telecommunications.
9:30am
Good God, another user! They’re like ants. Says he’s in San
Diego and can’t replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it’s
sunspots, but
with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the
server back two hours.
11:00am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the
time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to
Milwaukee.
11:23am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. So
hard to get good help… I respond. Support manager says he has
appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I
mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him.
No problem!
11:30am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he’s invited to a
meeting
this afternoon. Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff I tell him.
12:00am
Lunch.
2:39pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
document. Tell them to run connection document utility
CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
4:00pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also
set point size to 2 in help databases.
4:30pm
User calls to say they can’t see anything in documents. Tell
them to go to view, do a Edit — Select All, hit delete key, and
then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says
so.
4:45pm
Another user calls. Says they can’t read help documents. Tell
them I’ll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not
(too) much.
5:00pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to
have a good weekend. Che

Q: What did the computer programmer say to the prostitute?
A: Do ya mind if I give you some extra Ram?