Category: computers

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”
“Well, what’s the difference between the two?” Bill asks.

God says, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”
“Fine, but where should I go first?”
“I’ll leave that up to you.”
“Okay, then,” says Bill. “Let me try Hell first.”

So Bill goes to Hell. It’s a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is perfect. He is very pleased. “This is great!” he tells God. “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!”

“Fine,” says God, and off they go.
Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It’s nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. “Hmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he tells God.
“Fine,” replies God. “As you desire.”

So Bill Gates goes to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going?” he asks Bill.
Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?”
“Oh … that was the SCREENSAVER.”

16. www.drscholls.com/foot/fungus/images

15. www.pullmyfinger.com

14. www.heartbreak_psoriasis.com

13. www.chi-cubs.com/worldseries

12. www.dentistry.com/drill.au

11. www.sony.com/products/betamax

10. www.microsoft.com/bloatedcode/downloads

9. www.nails~on~blackboard.com

8. www.kerristrugmania.com

7. www.dole2000.org

6. www.oj.com/help_find_killers

5. www.richardsimmons.com/tanktops

4. www.wegotintoharvardudidnt.edu

3. www.marcelmarceau.com/chat

2. www.amish.org/amish_women/pictures

1. www.willardscott.com/showercam

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: ‘Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?’
The Fairy Godmother replied: ‘Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?’

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. ‘I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.’ Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.

Cinderella said ‘Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!’ The Fairy Godmother replied ‘It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?’ Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: ‘I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.’

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: ‘You have one more wish, what shall you have?’

Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. ‘I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.’ Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said: ‘Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.’ With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, ‘I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don’t you?’

******************************************************************WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!******************************************************************WASHINGTON, D.C.-The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, e-mail viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.’These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers’, a spokesman said. ‘Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner’. However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet.’My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone’, reported one weeping victim. ‘I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous.’Another victim, now in remission, added, ‘When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true’. It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, ‘My name is Jane, and I’ve been hoaxed’. Now, however, she is spreading the word. ‘Challenge and check whatever you read,’ she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following:– The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking.– The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others.– A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true.T.C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, ‘I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I’ve stopped using shampoo’. When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading e-mail, so that he would not become infected.Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community. Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is on-line help from many sources, including:– Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html– Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html– McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html– Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html– The Urban Legends Web Site at http://www.urbanlegends.com– Urban Legends Reference Pages at http://www.snopes.com– Datafellows Hoax Warnings at http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htmThose people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as:– Evaluating Internet Research Sources at http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm– Evaluation of Information Sources at http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm– Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTMIt *is* possible to design responsible alerts for people to circulate on the Internet. Here is a how-to that draws positive conclusions from long experience with the evils of badly designed alerts:– Designing Effective Action Alerts for the Internet at http://weber.ucsd.edu/~pagre/alerts.htmlLastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax.

PROOF THAT BILL GATES IS THE ANTICHRIST

Conversion to ASCII values:
MS-DOS 6. 21
77 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666

WINDOWS95
87 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666

SYSTEM 7. 0
83 89 83 84 69 77 32 55 46 48 = 666

Coincidence? I think not!

The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:

B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
3
——-
666!!!!

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism”.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus. Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.” Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back. Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer. Texas virus: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.Airline virus: You’re in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Nike virus: Just does it. Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything. Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change the lightbulb??
A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.

It’s time to turn your computer off and read a book when….

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.

3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

8. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.

9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

10. You can’t call your mother. . She doesn’t have a modem.

11. You check you mail. It says “no new messages”. So you check it again.

12. You don’t know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.

13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html

15. You start tilting you head sideways to smile.

16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to 10 friends.

Did you hear about the new computer virus?
It’s called the “Lorena Bobbit Virus”.
Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch floppy!

If operating systems were airlines, what kind of service would they offer?
Here is a lighthearted look at what passengers could expect.

DOS Air:
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it
until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again,
push it back into the air, hop on, and so on.

Mac Airways:
The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the
same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply
that you don’t want to know, don’t need to know and would you please
return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines:
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very
attractive, the pilots very capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing up above
the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, it explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways:
The terminal is almost empty with only a few prospective passengers
milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed and
wishes them a good flight, although there are no planes on the runway.
Airline personnel walk around, apologizing profusely to customers in
hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek powerful jets
outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the
real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than
Windows Airlines but that they will have to wait a little longer for the
technicians to finish flight systems.

Fly Windows NT:
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the
chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and
make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.

1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.

2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you,but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let’s show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?

3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?

4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you’re starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we’ll bring back your buddy list, OK?

5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can’t you just finish up and go read a good book?!

6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?

7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line?

8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord!

9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is??

10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit.

11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn’t think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke!

12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off?

13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already!

14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM… See job application enclosed!