Category: computers

1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. “Yeah, I got me a couple of friends,” the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, “Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.”

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”

12. 1st Person: “Do you know anything about this fax-machine?” 2nd Person: “A little. What’s wrong?” 1st Person: “Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.” 2nd Person: “How did you load the sheet?” 1st Person: “It’s a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn’t want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.”
13. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?” Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?” Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?” Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?” Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.” Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?” Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.

After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95.
I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?” Bill asked.

“I’ll leave that up to you.” God replied.

“Okay then,” said Bill, “let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

“This is great,” he told God. “If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven.”

“Fine,” said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told God.

“Fine,” replied God, “as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

“How’s everything going?” He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. “This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can’t believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water?”

“Oh,” God said, “that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note. A window was something you hated to clean and ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights. Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. And if you had a 3 inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public, you’d be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did, with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue. A web was a spider’s home and a virus was the flu.

I guess I’ll stick to my pen and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!

Home on the Web —————– (to the tune of “Home on the Range”)
VERSE: Oh give me a site where the links all work right — one that doesn’t take too long to load — where the text can be seen on my 13-inch screen — one that offers a “no-Java” mode.

REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM. Please take pity on me — I’m still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!

VERSE: Though your video files give your pages some style I can’t read them upon my PC; Massive graphics and sound crash my system, I’ve found, so please put in some “alt” tags for me!

REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me — I’m still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!

VERSE: Please don’t ask me to “chat” with your favorite cat; I don’t have an IRC code. And don’t ask me to buy games for Win 95 — My PC is way too darn old!

REFRAIN: Home, home on the Web on my 486 IBM Please take pity on me — I’m still on Netscape 3 with a 14.4-speed modem!

Some will say that this is definitive proof that Bill Gates is the devil:CNN: – Microsoft, Barney teaming up – August 19, 1997 http://www.cnn.com/SHOWBIZ/9708/19/barney.ap/index.html——————————————————————– Upon reading the above-referenced web page the following scenario burst full-fledged into my brain…——————————————————————–‘Hello, and welcome to the Microsoft ActiMates Barney Help Line. My name is Alan. Would you please read me the serial number printed on the battery cover under Barney’s tail?”Thank you. Could you please describe your problem?”I see. Have you tried removing the batteries and reinstalling them?”Have you used the ActiMates Barney PC Pack to connect Barney to your computer?”OK, what version of the PC Pack are you using? It’s printed on the CD.”Kids do the darndest things. Well in that case, would you please cover Barney’s right eye with your hand, squeeze his left hand three times, and tell me what he says.”I’ll repeat that: ‘LOVE PLAY HAPPY.’ Is that correct?”Thank you. That error code indicates that there may be an incompatibility between the Barney’s firmware and the PC Pack. Normally, I’d tell you to upgrade the PC Pack, but without the serial number on the CD I’m afraid you’d have to buy a whole new copy. Can you possibly send in your Barney for a firmware upgrade?”Eight to twelve weeks.”Please don’t yell, ma’am. Under the circumstances, the best I can suggest is that you try a firmware reset. Do you know how to place Barney in Maintenance Mode?”Yes I can, ma’am, but I have to read you this warning first: ‘Using Maintenance Mode incorrectly can cause serious problems that may render Barney completely unusable. Microsoft cannot guarantee that any problems resulting from the use of Maintenance Mode can be solved. You use this mode at your own risk.’ Do you agree to these terms?”Please state your full name slowly and clearly for the tape.”Thank you. Is the child in the room?”That’s good, this could be rather traumatic. I’d like you to reach way back into Barney’s mouth with your finger. You should feel a small round button under the fabric. Press the uvula — excuse me, ma’am, I meant the button — and hold it for at least three seconds, then tell me what Barney says.”’LOVE LOVE HAPPY LOVE FRIEND,’ is that correct?”That means your Barney was made in Singapore, so you should twist Barney’s head to the right about 120 degrees, until you hear a click.”Now press both of Barney’s feet with one hand while you suqeeze his right hand three times. He should say ‘LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE’.”What was that, ma’am?”He’s not supposed to have *that* in his vocabulary! One moment, please…”Thank you for holding, ma’am. I’m sorry, but apparently your Barney has the VERMIN virus. Do you have a copy of Norton Playmate for Barney, or McAfee’s Barney Gets His Shots?”I’d recommend you purchase one of those products at your local toy or computer store and use it to remove the virus. If that doesn’t help, please call back, and reference case number 022161-DDL.”Thank you, and have a good day.’

IBM: Institute of Black Magic

Here’s a story about a guy who got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. Next month he got another, did the same thing. The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn’t send them $0.00.

He called them, talked to them, they said it was “a glitch” and told him they’d take care of it. The following month he tried to charge something and couldn’t.

He called the credit card company who again said they’d take care of it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent. The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn’t worry.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection. He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company’s computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full.

A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said, “uell, your $0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. We now can’t process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort.”

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he
created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God
separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

3. And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let
the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and
hard disks and compact disks.

4. And God said – Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put
floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created
computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big.
And told them – Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said – I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will
make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God
showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the
volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said – It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a
bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look
up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things
the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it
was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill
said to the User – Did God really tell you not to run any programs ?

11. And the User answered – God told us that we can use every program and
every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User – How can you talk about something you did
not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God.
You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your
mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier
to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless – since Windows
could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the
Programmers that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And
God asked him – What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered
-I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS.
And God said – Who said you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the
Programmer said – It was Bill who told us to !

16. And God said to Bill – Because of what you did you will be hated by
all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And
you will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User – Because of what you did, the Windows will
disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use
lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmer’s help.

18. And God said to the Programmer – Because you listened to the User you
will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will
have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and
secured it with a password.

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT.

A friend was thinking of a password to login to his computer,
after a while, he chose the word “penis.” After typing the word
in, the computer read, “Password rejected, not long enough.”

Q: What is the difference between Windows 95 and Windows 98?
A: 3 years

Everyone hear the news about Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty being expelled from Disneyland?

Apparently all three were co-conspirators in the kidnapping of Pinocchio.

For several days, they tied him up, and each took turns sitting on his face, telling him to lie, lie, lie!!!

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we’re not exactly sure what it does.