Category: computers

15. Women write in to reassure you that it’s no big deal and that it happens to lots of men.

14. Cashiers refuse to accept your URL as photo ID.

13. It’s no longer just your small circle of friends who know that you have no life.

12. You’ve just committed a murder and now you’ve got to kill all those pesky witnesses.

11. Ex-boyfriends always seem to know exactly which of their shirts and CDs you still have.

10. You get the eerie feeling you’re being watched, even before you start doing bong hits.

9. Much harder to juggle both boyfriends *and* the girlfriend.

8. New higher resolution monitors compel more frequent dusting and vacuuming.

7. Faked orgasms now subject to critiques by impartial observers.

6. Email from strangers telling you you’ll go blind from doing that.

5. The whole damn family logs on right when you start wrapping the Christmas presents.

4. You’re playing solitaire, the phone rings, and it’s some geek saying, “Play the red jack on the black queen.”

3. The “visiting a sick friend” excuse doesn’t quite work when millions of people know that you were really playing Freecell in your jammies.

2. Web-savvy Jehovah’s Witnesses aren’t fooled when you don’t answer the door.

1. Rip-off artists in Toledo are living the exact same life as you without giving you credit.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. All of your friends have an @ in their names. When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. Your dog has its own home page.Your dog’s homepage is actually good.You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.

Sing this to the tune “walking in a winter wonderland!

Doorbell rings, I’m not list’nin’,
From my mouth, drool is glist’nin’,
I’m happy–although
My boss let me go–
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There’s beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, “Yo, man!
Don’t you know tonight’s the senior prom?”
With a listless shrug, I mutter, “No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!”

I don’t phone, don’t send faxes,
Don’t go out, don’t pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I’m happily addicted to the Web!

One day, a man complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.”

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant….twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

And…. if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all?”

“That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “But the bottle has a hole in it!”

“Why the PC?”, he continued “, “It’s got the latest version of Windows and it’s missing three keys!”

“Which three?” said Lucifer.

“Control, Alt and Delete!”

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

“My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf, ” says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!

About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

“My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, “Will you get lost?
I’m trying to take a shit!”

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn”t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer”s mouse.

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED…
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

FREE PUPPIES:
PART COCKER SPANIEL –
PART SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

BILL’S SEPTIC CLEANING
“WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS”

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT…
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.

GEORGIA PEACHES
– CALIFORNIA GROWN –
89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

COMMUNITY HEADLINE:
ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER!

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me?

*********

Dear Sir-

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings – Alimony/Child Support.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs.

System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

* If Oracle made toasters… They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke!

* If HP made toasters… They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread!

* If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

* If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

* If Circuit City made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

* If Thinking Machines made toasters… You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

* If Cray made toasters… They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

* If the Rand Corporation made toasters… It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

* If the NSA made toasters… Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

* If Sony made toasters… The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

* If Timex made toasters… They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

* If Fisher Price made toasters… ‘Baby’s First Toaster’ would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.

* If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster ’02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

* If Apple made toasters… It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier and ten times better!

X-files virus:
All your Icons start shape shifting

Spice Girl virus:
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus:
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Sonny Bono virus:
Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where

Martha Stewart virus:
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop

AT&T virus:
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting

MCI virus:
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back

Redmond, WA — Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling.”The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money,” recalls Gates. “I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times.”Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates’ vision of panhandling for the 21st century.”We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works,” says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. “Except for the fact that they’re stinking rich.”Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. (“This is a little lie,” admits software engineer Adam Miller, “since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn’t embellish a little?”) The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user’s bank account to Microsoft’s. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The “No” button has not yet been implemented.”We’re experiencing a little trouble programming the No button,” Bernard Liu says, “but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe.” Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products.”Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar.” (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.”Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift,” says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. “I mean, in the future, we won’t need laptop computers asking you for change. You’ll have an entire network of machines asking you for money.”Gates responded with, “I know what you are, but what am I?” General pandemonium then ensued.