Category: computers

Do you remember the Charlie Brown specials that taught valuable life lessons to a generation of kids? Well here are some new episodes:

Peanuts specials for kids of the 90’s:

We learn about VD in:
“IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN”

Charlie and the little redheaded girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in:
“I’M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!”

Is Linus gay?
“ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN”

Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in:
“OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?”

See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in:
“NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!”

Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:
“IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN”

What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen’s twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego “Mr. Clean” in:
“GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN”

Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in:
“ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!”

Charlie Brown gets his first job in:
“WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?”

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in:
“GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN”

Peppermint Patty ‘goes to town’ on Marcie in:
“WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?”

You know you are addicted to the Internet when…

You kiss your girlfriend’s home page.

Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster par connection to the net: 28.8…ISDN…cable modem…T1…T3.

And even your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as “Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you’ve never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone else’s links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.

You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you he’s had the beard for 2 months.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed.”

You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with Netscape 2.01or higher.”

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP…because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, “This is a special day. I’m celebrating.”

“I’m celebrating, too,” she replied, clinking glasses with him.

“What are you celebrating?” he asked.

“For years I’ve been trying to have a child,” she answered, “Today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“Congratulations,” the man said, lifting his glass.

“As it happens, I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they’re finally fertile.”

“How did it happen?”

“I switched cocks.”

“What a coincidence,” she said, smiling.

The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.

Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where III” means the order of third (3rd).

By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:

B I L L G A T E S (III)

66+73+76+76+71+65+84+69+83+3 = 666 (!!!)

Some might ask, How did Bill Gates get so powerful?”

Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind’s ultimate and total enslavement? You decide!

1) When you add a third modem to your dedicated phone line.
2) When you access Microsoft’s web page every Sunday for brother
Bill’s Sermon.
3) When that 3Gb hard drive is full.
4) When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer
peripherals.
5) If you have an “online” light installed on your car to tell
you when the engine is running.
6) When you discover that in order to drive your car somewhere,
you do not enter an http:// or ftp:// address.
7) If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner
of envelopes.
8) If you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary.
9) When you insist on seeing the movie “The Net” for the 43rd
time.
10) If you maintain more than 6 e-mail address.
11) If you use more than 20 passwords.
12) If you set up your own web page.
13) If you set up a web page for each of each member of your
family, including the pets.
14) If, instead of a phone number, ask for a person’s e-mail
address.
15) When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather
Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out
the window.
16) When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.now@home.
17) If you have a heart attack when you forget to pay your phone
bill and recieve a “pending disconnection of service” notice.
18) When you order ALL of what you buy, including food, online.
19) If your fingers quit moving because you’ve been online for
36 hours.
20) When you find yourself going out with someone you’ve never
met, except through e-mail.
21) When you log-off from a session in you favorite newsgruop
and your log reads: Online time: 56 hours 24 minutes.

Random Access Memory – When you can’t remember how much you spent on the new deer rifle when wife asks about it

One day, a man complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.”

The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant….twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

And…. if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

Are you having a hard time finding the right gift for the computer addict whose PC has everything? Not another Dilbert necktie, or King’s Quest XLVIII. Try one of these:

– CD-ROM rewinder. (For blondes only.)

– Virtual reality beer.

– NoseBlaster smell card — the latest in multi-media technology. The deluxe version comes with direct-feed nostril tubes for the ultimate in virtual olfactory experience.

– True-Type font modeled on my handwriting. The last word in non-reversible encryption. (May not be exported from the country.)

– 72-inch monitor.

– 20-foot mouse extension cord

– a must for the 72-inch monitor.

– Michael Jackson-to-Michael Jackson Morph screen saver — endless variations.

– Bedpan — Why leave your computer just for that? (Not for use with NoseBlaster.)

– The secret to what this emoticon means – }:{o

‘There is an upgrade path from the Old to the New Testament, but it’s difficult and unsupported.”We were only able to get the first seven Commandments on the stone tablets. The last three will be in Commandments ’98.”You can’t get your bush to burn? Have you tried sacrifice?”The ‘virgin birth’ is not a bug, it’s a documented feature.”You’ll need more RAM to run all four horseman concurrently.”The first semaphore is being dropped, the second is returning an olive branch.”I.S. says it will rain for exactly 20 days.”Kai’s Revelations Tools produce some really cool effects but they’re difficult to understand and use.”We killed the process, but three days later it came back.”The walls of Jericho won’t fall without a 100% fully compatible Soundblaster Card.”The voice of God is a standardized protocol, but each prophet implements it differently.”My wife looked at K&R and now she’s a pillar of salt.”Each loaf and fish comes with an AOL disk!”Yes, the documentation is poorly organized, contradictory and written by committee. It’s still better than UNIX man pages.”Adam & Eve would still be in the garden if they’d eaten the Windows.”Who told you that? Lucifer? Of COURSE he’d say heaven has heating problems.”Ah, no sir. No, I’m afraid not. We stopped honoring indulgences hundreds of years ago.”No. I’m afraid not. That’s NOT what the Rapture is all about. In fact, that’s still classified as a sin’.’No, no, no. That’s NOT what was meant by ‘Love thy neighbor as thyself’.”The Apocrypha? I’m sorry sir. We don’t support third party additions.”Yes we do offer a lifetime guarantee. As long as you registered yourself with us via baptism, you’re covered. Yes, even then. Yes, we know it’s quite a good deal. Why thank you, we like to think it’s the best deal around.”Did you read the release notes for Godly service? No? Well, it clearly states that ‘Celibate’ was a typo. It should have been ‘Celebrate’…Sir? Sir?”Yes, there’s an SDK and we have done some limited partnerships in the past. In fact, some developers had access to the Miracles SDK for awhile. However, we ran into some problems with legal, so it was pulled.”I’m sorry. There currently no way to extend the beta period for an individual human.”The office of God has no official comment on the use or existence of other ‘companies’, past, present or future.”We simply provide a tool called ‘life’. It’s neither good nor bad. What you do with it is up to you. However, you may want to get in touch with our marketing department so we can use you as an endorsement or case study if things go particularly well.”Satan called in again, pretending to be a customer.”Man, I hate taking those walking on water calls, especially when they’ve already fallen in a few times.”I’m sorry sir, but we do not support life on Mars.”You killed your son to prove your faith? Didn’t you see the addendumto the readme.txt?”We have seen problems with receiving the Holy Spirit, so we need to re-initialize your COM port.”I’m very sure that if it’s got serial number 666, it’s not our product.”You’re feeling lustful for your neighbor’s wife? We have a technote for that.”Worshipping a false idol certainly is in violation of the support agreement.”Ma’am, yelling at me isn’t going to make Him fix the problem any sooner.’

why did piglet look in the toylet

to look for poo

Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:

10. Tommy Lee’s———- Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit’s—— Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tanya Harding’s—— Camp Wackaneenee
7. Kenneth Star’s——- Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn’s—– Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson’s——- Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson’s—- Camp Wannabewhitey
3. President Clinton’s– Camp Getahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneras’s—- Camp Lickacoochie

And the number one camp not to send your kid to:

1. Monica Lewinsky’s—- Camp Suckapeepee